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View Full Version : Getting ridiculous-outside friends and meltdowns


Mamatoto
04-18-2005, 01:17 PM
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :think

This summer is going to give me an ulcer. :mad

Here's my scenarios:

Last week the neighborhood kids had early dismissal so one day I let dd play out there all afternoon while ds slept. Well, once ds was awake I wanted to take him for a walk in his stroller, so I told dd that we would be going for a walk in ten minutes. I came out with ds and dd was on her bike and we began our normal route around the neighborhood. Well, two minutes into the walk dd began whining about wanting to go back and play with her friends. When that didn't work, she began a tirade about how thirsty she was. (she had that entire ten minutes to get a drink if needed) Then she began on her knees hurting. So here we are ds and I trying to enjoy the nice afternoon and dd following us crying and whining. I told her that if she didn't stop that we would go back home and stay inside until dh came home (1/2 hour later). She didn't stop and so I turned around and headed back with a hysterical child following me on her bike. She began screaming shut up to me over and over and I swiftly took her off her bike, left the bike on the grass, and held her hand, firmly walking her while pushing the stroller. I told her very firmly to stop saying shut up but she continued to scream it over and over the entire walk back to the house. I told her that she would not be playing with her friends the next day (sat.) because she was showing me she could not handle things and because we do not say shut up or hurt each other in our family. Then she started swinging at me and I had to restrain her in the community driveway area until I could get her back inside the house. The next day, although her friends came over numerous times, we did not allow her to play with them. She played in our yard with us nearby. Dh made sure she understood that screaming shut up at me and hitting were not acceptable.

Then today...

We went outside and to a playground this morning. This afternoon ds was napping and I told her that she could go outside and stay where I can see her-she knows the designated areas where she is allowed. Well, twice she violated the rules and so I brought her inside and told her that we would go back out when ds woke up and I was ready to go out with her. I got her busy at the table making necklaces and a few minutes later a knock came and her friend wanted her to play. I told the friend that she would be out later and that right now we were busy. Dd started swinging at me again right there at the door. She screamed at me and cried and then began kicking me. I sat on her to get her to stop and firmly told her that we would not be going out to play now.

I will take her on a walk but she is clearly having a horrible time accepting any boundaries that I lay out and I will not let her play with her friends when she acts like this!

So am I going to have to go through this everyday or will she eventually begin to accept that sometimes she cannot go outside when she wants to???????

ArmsOfLove
04-18-2005, 01:35 PM
:hug

This is a transition and a change in her routine. Impulse control is not strong at this age. I'd suggest some very very firm boundaries and a routine that is the same each day so that she can fall into the summertime pattern. Maybe write it up so that she can see it and post it somewhere. I would also make it one time pushing/crossing the boundary and you come in. Go over the rules, what is expected when you say it's time to come in, etc, in the morning and immediately before she goes outside. I would probably start out by ending the current outside session but allowing the next one so that she can have practice at being successful and not harbor resentment at losing time with her friends. Rather she can come to rely on them. Does that make sense?

milkmommy
04-18-2005, 01:37 PM
Are you considering her feelings? Like when your going on a walk are you just saying were leaving and thats it?
Now don't get me wrong sometimes things need to be done because they need to be done but it sounds like your not allowing you DD a voice of her own. SHe probably didn't display her anger properly but I would have tried reflecting her feelings and trying to get her more involved.
I don't have a big issue with you bringing her inside after she violated her boundries thats dangerous and says only with me is perfectly fair. However I don't agree with how you stopped her from kicking. You used your power to over come her and thats not wise. Again you DON'T need to be her punching bag but you need to be the grown up. I'd get down at her level and say. I see your angry and don't like my answer, however you may not kick me, you need to go have some time alone in your room untill you calm down. IE this isn't a timeout its not a punishment but rather a TIME IN a time to gain composure and to vent some frustration.
:hug Don't feel bad its hard sometimes but I promise things are sooo much calmer easier and better if we try to get our selfs outta the punitive mind setting. I'm sre others with more experience than I can offer great advice.

Deanna

Mamatoto
04-18-2005, 03:44 PM
Crystal, I was thinking that today I needed to re-do our picture routine chart to include the outside time now. I think that will help a ton to make certain times outside times. That totally makes sense. Neither dh and I liked taking it over into the next day but at the time I wanted her to see how *major* this behavior was and how unacceptable she was acting! :hissyfit But I totally agree with you-it is better to keep it to that session and it makes more sense to her that way. When she had a fit the first day about coming inside we did a "try again" session and actually replayed the way she needs to respond when I tell her it is time to come in (yes, mama, instead of shut up!). It worked extremely well. She responds so well to "try again" sessions!

Milkmommy, when dd is in her rages I need to restrain her to keep her from hurting me or her baby brother. She throws, she hurts, she won't calm down unless I stop her. I look her in the eyes when I am holding her legs and I calmly tell her that she needs to stop and that I will not allow her to hurt anyone in our family. I do not put her alone in her room because it doesn't work one bit with her. If I put her in her room she gets angrier and angrier and kicks the walls and throws things and breaks things. She needs me there as a strong and calming presence to stop her. I am definitely trying to consider her feelings while keeping everyone else safe.

milkmommy
04-18-2005, 04:13 PM
Milkmommy, when dd is in her rages I need to restrain her to keep her from hurting me or her baby brother. She throws, she hurts, she won't calm down unless I stop her. I look her in the eyes when I am holding her legs and I calmly tell her that she needs to stop and that I will not allow her to hurt anyone in our family. I do not put her alone in her room because it doesn't work one bit with her. If I put her in her room she gets angrier and angrier and kicks the walls and throws things and breaks things. She needs me there as a strong and calming presence to stop her. I am definitely trying to consider her feelings while keeping everyone else safe.


Thats good I know some DC do better twhen the parents remain. That "bear hug" can be diffrent depending on the child. I was just making sure when you said you sat in her. ;) Sounds like your doing whats best for your child, I should have made that more clear in my post.. Brain meltdown :blush.
I like Crystals idea on the schedule I know my DD works so much better on one. Also if shes aware outside time is when DB naps she might get used to that time frame, rather than develop some resentment that when DB is up I have to stop playing.. Thats kinda the vibe I was gettig earlier.
I can play out side but when brothers up I have to stop
I have to come in side because brother is napping...
Does this make sense? I know thats NOT whats happening but I could see how it could be inturputed to a young child that way. How old is she BTW?
SHe also sounds like she might benifit from some playful parenting, and maybe getting her a little more involved. Like asking if shed rather ride her bike on a walk or push the stroller? Maybe let her pick the route to walk? I'd also consider a transitional snack before the walk. Like I'm gong to assume baby wakes you change possibly feed baby before the walk? Bringing DD in for a piece of fruit and some water might be a good way to transition into the walk. Or maybe having a special sports bottle with water to bring on the walk? I know shes might not REALLY be thirsty but it might help her feel special. We all need to feel special at times.

Deanna

Mamatoto
04-18-2005, 05:43 PM
She always has the option to walk or to ride and always wants to ride. ;) My dd thrives on routine and wants everything done the same way every single time we do it-I hold that together or all chaos on earth breaks through. She also has an awful time with transitions and I think that is the issue here. I am going to have to really structure our summer days so that the same things happen every day the same way at the same time. That's how we function best here. ;)

I know my OP makes me sound like a mean mama but IRL it's not as mean as it sounds typed here. :eek

milkmommy
04-18-2005, 05:57 PM
I know my OP makes me sound like a mean mama but IRL it's not as mean as it sounds typed here. :eek


:hug :grouphug Oh you'll have to try much harder than that to make us think your a mean momma :lol

Deanna