Was this 'ok' or 'punitive'?

[Micah]

Please be gentle I am new!! I am new!! :shifty

My 3.11 year old today....we went to church, had lunch, then he played outside for a bit...he's tired.
He was getting really grumpy (understandable) I told him that it was time to come inside now and he got angry said I don't want to and spit! :doh

Then he pushed his brother 13.5 months and I told him 'we don't push people' to which he got irrate and blew up once again.

So not really knowing what else to do the 'old' ways were all I could think of so I gently scooped him up in my arms and said 'you need a nap, you'll feel so much better when you wake up and then you can be nice too' and I put him in his bed, which to my suprise didn't bother him 1 bit! NO fussing...just simpy 'when I wake up can I watch Bambi'? :wow

Now I didn't put him to bed with a punitive mindset, he was tired, I was not wanting to deal with being spit at and him pushing baby...I will not tolerate that...I could not think of a logical consequence other then it was a fact he is tired so off to bed.

So...how did I do? Was putting him to bed after those 2 circumstances not good as it may seem punitive to him or?

[ArmsOfLove]

:clap I think you handled that just fine!

One suggestion--rather than saying "we don't shove" because clearly he does ;), I'd say, "I will not allow you to shove" and move him away.

You saw the real need--tired--and you met it--nap :D

[MarynMunchkins]

Sounds like you did great! :tu

[Micah]

rather than saying "we don't shove" because clearly he does ;), I'd say, "I will not allow you to shove" and move him away.


LOL! I never thought of it that way. ;)
Thanks!

[poetmom]

rather than saying "we don't shove" because clearly he does ;), I'd say, "I will not allow you to shove" and move him away.


LOL! I never thought of it that way. ;)
Thanks!


Don't feel bad...I said "We don't...." with my oldest all the time...and it worked....but with my middle one....one of the first times I said "We don't...." to her, SHE said "Yes, I DO!!".....So then I HAD to say "Yes, I suppose you DID...but that's not acceptable to me." Kids....gotta love 'em!! :lol

[Katherine]

Great job! :tu

When we were transitioning from punitive parenting, dh got started with threatening "If you do X, I'm going to put you to bed!" :td I did it a few times too out of frustration, but I knew I didn't want to make going to bed a punishment, so I had to work really hard to get in the habit of doing what you did.... or--even better--putting him down before he got *that* tired, which is easier said than done. ;)

[gracefuljourney]

Please be gentle I am new!! I am new!! :shifty

My 3.11 year old today....we went to church, had lunch, then he played outside for a bit...he's tired.
He was getting really grumpy (understandable) I told him that it was time to come inside now and he got angry said I don't want to and spit! :doh

Then he pushed his brother 13.5 months and I told him 'we don't push people' to which he got irrate and blew up once again.

So not really knowing what else to do the 'old' ways were all I could think of so I gently scooped him up in my arms and said 'you need a nap, you'll feel so much better when you wake up and then you can be nice too' and I put him in his bed, which to my suprise didn't bother him 1 bit! NO fussing...just simpy 'when I wake up can I watch Bambi'? :wow

Now I didn't put him to bed with a punitive mindset, he was tired, I was not wanting to deal with being spit at and him pushing baby...I will not tolerate that...I could not think of a logical consequence other then it was a fact he is tired so off to bed.

So...how did I do? Was putting him to bed after those 2 circumstances not good as it may seem punitive to him or?


I think you did great. One of the "items" in my gentle parenting toolbox is called HALTED. I think I learned this from someone on here . . . but now I can't remember who . . . but it is a series of questions that we ask ourselves when one of our children is misbehaving.

Is the child
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
Embarrassed
Depressed

We believe that we meet the need then we deal with the behavior. With a young child, it may be as simple as saying, "I am not going to allow you to spit on me, that is not appropriate. I think you may be tired. Let's go lay down for awhile." For an older child, I may meet the need and then later, have a teaching session on how to express the need appropriately.

My youngest son caught on to this principle very early. We would communicate with each and say, I think he is H or I think he is T. We were at a friends house one day and he was very tired. He started acting out a bit, just being grumpy mostly. He came and asked me for food . . . well, he was whining for some food . . . though he had eaten just twenty minutes before. I said, "I don't think you are H, I think you are T." He stiffened his little body, screwed up his eyes and yelled at the top of his voice, "I am NOT TTTTTT, I am HHHHHH." :wow Well, that certainly was confirmation. We quickly got our things together and left for the drive home. He was asleep before we got to the end of her road.

Many times I will just ask them . . . are you hungry? are you angry? are you lonely? etc. It opens up communication between us.

It sounds like you understood he was tired and that he was acting out because he was tired and you put him to bed. It wasn't punitive, it was meeting the need. At another time, you can begin teaching appropriate ways to express needs . . . and that we don't spit and push when we are tired.

[Micah]

When we were transitioning from punitive parenting, dh got started with threatening "If you do X, I'm going to put you to bed!" :td I did it a few times too out of frustration

Thanks for sharing, it is SO HARD to break old *habits*. ;)

[Micah]

One of the "items" in my gentle parenting toolbox is called HALTED.

Is the child
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
Embarrassed
Depressed

We believe that we meet the need then we deal with the behavior.

Thank you!!!! :tu

[Blessed2bHsing]

:tu