discipline

[Embracing Grace]

DH and I are discussing how we will discipline ds. He is okay with spaking on rare, extreme occasions, and I am not okay with it at all. His main concern is this: take an instance when (and if) ds willfully and systimatically goes against us, what do we do? In dh's mind- spank him, ofcourse! He presents me with specific behavioral issues that might come up and asks me of a way other than spanking to correct them. I don't know of any! It seems like spanking is a solution to every problem. :mad He wants me to do a thourough research (and write him a paper!) on why I think spanking is not a way to discipline a child, including the views from the "other side" on why it is necessary to spank. sigh... I don't really know what I am trying to accomplish with this post, but I guess I just wanted to say that I feel pretty overwhealmed by all this. There is so much information out there. Mainly what I want to do is present him with the study on the word/concept of the biblical "rod". Our ds is only 6 months old, so there is a way to go until we need to actually address behavior issues. So, I guess my question is: Have any of you mamas had to convince your dhs to convert to GBD? Did it work? I really want to be in agreement about discipline with dh, but it already has been difficult for us (I don't CIO, he wanted to, etc.). He has "given in" to me regarding AP (after reading many articles/arguments I presented), but I really don't want to argue with him about this in front of ds, we always end up doing that. :shrug I just really have a heavy heart about this.

Anyway, sorry, this is a ramble. I hope it's coherent enough!
Thanks for any and all encouragement. :)

[4blessings]

Can you tell us some of the specific behavioral issues he has brought up? I can tell you how I would handle them. Sometimes it's hard for me, though, when people say "What would you do instead of spanking if your child does X?" They're looking for an alternative punishment(and a "quick fix") and I don't have one. For DH and me, it's a totally different mindset. Our goals in discipline are completely different from parents who spank. And, I have to say that while my children are far from perfect, many of the "WWYD" questions don't apply to my kiddos b/c we just don't have those issues here. My children are very, very rarely defiant. They don't need to be b/c we don't have antagonistic relationships with them and there are few, if any, power struggles going on.

I feel like I'm just rambling now. LOL!

[Embracing Grace]

Now that I think of it, bringing up specific behaviors and asking WWYD instead of spanking is kind of unfair, actually. How on earth am I supposed to know, when it's all in the future? So many things could happen before then, and our ds might be a completely different kid. It seems so useless to rack my brain about it.

I'm just thinking out loud... bear with me!

[4blessings]

Acutally, I think it's great to think about it now, before you're faced with those issues. The time to decide what to do if you child runs in the street is not as he's on his way to the street, LOL! Better to think about it now while you'r calm. :) I admire you for educating yourself and trying to be prepared. I wish I had done that when my first was a baby.

[sadie]

I think a major aspect of this is how one considers the entire of paradigm of parenting. Like the idea of "willful disobedience." What a punitive parent swears up and down is an act of purposeful defiance, a non punitive, GBD parent would see as perhaps, age-typical behavior that needs to be addressed, or an inability to check impulse control, a situation where they need to step in and help their children be successful. GBD parenting does not focus on how defiant and disobedient the child is and how to "make" them obey, but rather, on practical applications to help the child comply and be successful at meeting the standard.

Your dh's whole way of thinking about parenting and what it is supposed to accomplish needs to shift to truly understand GBD, KWIM?

The focus of punitive parenting is to, "Make them obey" and with GBD it's, "Helping them be successful."

We don't look at unwanted behavior as a personal attack against our authority but rather as an indication that our child needs our help and guidance to successfully stop the behavior.

[4blessings]

We don't look at unwanted behavior as a personal attack against our authority but rather as an indication that our child needs our help and guidance to successfully stop the behavior.

You said that SO well! :tu

[ArmsOfLove]

I would probably approach him with the differences between an adversarial parenting relationship and a team-approach. Don't make it about spanking/not spanking because GBD is so much more than that. It's an entire paradigm shift--and once you make that shift then the spanking issue becomes irrelevant.

[Embracing Grace]

wow, thank you all so much. your comments are very helpful! i think i am understanding this more myself.

[akmyilee]

It's an entire paradigm shift--and once you make that shift then the spanking issue becomes irrelevant.


This is what I am dealing with with dh as well, the whole shift from two sides to one. I truely think that he and Kyle think that the other is an obsitcal in their respective paths to happiness. Changing the way that you think about discipline at it's core is hard. Learning that with GBD we work together to produce the apprioate behavior as apposed to us against them. I dont 'know if what I am saying is helping you work it out with your husband but I would too encourage you to take it to him like, "we are on the same team as the kids" and then the other stuff seems to fall into place easier....kwim?

[Dizzy Blond]

Hi Olga,

My dh and I are having the same discussion. He mentioned people are born with a sin nature and that boundaries are necessary. And I agreed, but I didn't say all I wanted to say about the subject. Hope to do that tonight. But here's what I want to cover:

The reason we need to know that we have a sin nature from birth is so we realize we need Jesus. Romans 6 and 7 gets into details on that. In addition, we know that we need the Holy Spirit to curb our own sin nature. So if I have a bad reaction over something, I need to think how my own sin nature is playing into my reaction and my behavior.

How does this apply to my child? It really doesn't. It applies to me.

The ultimate goal is for our dc to accept Jesus and become conquerers over their own sin nature with the help of the Holy Spirit. How to do this is to model Jesus to them and show them the victory you have in your life and share with them how to have the same victory.

I'll have to figure out how I move from this point to the "team approach" that Crystal mentions. I think the team approach is going to work so much better toward the goal of them finding Christ than the adversarial approach.

Good luck to both of us! :)

[Radosny Matka]

Is he willing to do any reading? I love this site.

http://www.nopunish.net/pwp-ch1.htm

[sadie]

Sara, that is one of my favorite sites. :)