no punishment ever?

[GodChick]

nak

ok, i'm a totally no spanking mom. but i had considerred using time out before i found the gcm way of thinking. i'm also really big on natural consequences rather than punishment. . . but what about situuations w/ no natural consequence? like when dd#1 (2yo) refuses to let me look at a book, and keeps pushing it shut? (i wasn't ignoring her to read a novel, i was trying to look up something in hale.) i guess i could have stood up to read it rather than sitting on the couch, but i was holding dd#2 (3 weeks) and trying to cross-ref and flip pages and besides, i just wanted to sit down for a bit while i looked it up, is that really to much to ask? shouldn't i be able to sit and look at a book for about 5 min? i think other moms do. so what do i do? telling her mommy wants to look at tae bookj for a min or that no, you can't close mommy's book, etc. or that it's mommy's decision and not hers when to close the book all had no effect. soon she was screaming because i kept opning the book. what should i do? i ended up taking dd#2 and the book to another room to read it, which upsets dd#1 and makes her cry/yell. that's been my solution for lots of stuff latel.y, esp tantrums which are upsetting my 3 week old. but it seems kind of punishing to keep leaving the room when she misbehaves--like i'm rejecting her. got any better ideas?

[sadie]

Just want to let you know, all the mamas (including me) who have viewed this but not answered are not ignoring you. We (well, me at least :) ) are waiting for Crystal and Joanne to respond. They are the resident GBD experts, and can explain things to you perfectly! :)

[MarynMunchkins]

Well, frankly, I think getting up and leaving was the natural consequence. No wants to be around a person who is screaming and insisting on having their own way. :shrug I think it's perfectly acceptable to say "I'm not going to stay here and allow you to speak to me that way. I'm busy, and you need to wait." Her screaming/yelling is a response to that, but it doesn't mean you have to stop it. She can be upset if she wants to - you don't have to fix it or sit and listen to it.

Whether you choose to leave yourself or put her in a seperate room is up to you. But I don't think it's a punishment to leave her alone until she can chill out. I think that's the point of the comfort corner. :)

(And if I'm wrong, Joanne and Crystal can correct me. ;) )

[jujubnme]

:hug I know this is an overwhelming time for you and your kids. I don't think "punishing" means keeping your kids from getting upset, it means not adding a negative, unrelated consequence that is *intended* to make the child feel bad about what s/he did. So moving to another room to read your book wouldn't be a punishment if that's the only way you can read it! You might want to read the stickies on why no time-out and setting up a comfort corner for some of the nuances of what's punishment and for other ideas about dealing with your dd's "big feelings." :hug :hug

[Joanne]

You don't need me as an expert. What I would have said has already been posted. :clap

[sadie]

Also, this thread might be helpful to you

http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb/index.php?topic=4505.0

Where we discuss toddlers behaving while we use the phone. The same advice applies to your situation. :)

[GodChick]

nak

so i'm guessing leaving the room is an acceptable consequence? i also leave the room when she tries to hit or kick me. i read the link about talking on the phone---but giving her special toys for when i'm doing something else causes her to tantrum because she wants to play with those toys even when it's not time, so they're not special toys anymore. as far as waiting to talk on the phone or look somethingf up, etc until she's sleepng--she doesn't nap, and i'm just no longer willing to postpone everything until bedtime, because that's the only time i have to work on my wahm stuff. so......as long as it's not to punitive, i guess i'll keep doing what i'm doing. :shrug

[sadie]

I understand if the special toy thing doesn't work for you in this situation. :) I do think leaving the room is a good natural consequence. Also, waiting for naps or when she goes down for the night is a good option b/c at two yo, you can only expect so much consistency. No matter what you do, punishment or not, life with a toddler is just like that...it's tough to get stuff done and take your eyes/attention off of them, KWIM? ;)

Of course there are times where you have to read something very important quickly and you can't postpone it, and I think leaving the room is a good solution. As far as her feeling rejected, it would be good to explain things to her keeping it short and simple. "Mama needs to do something important. You need to be quiet. If you cannot be quiet, mama will leave the room to do it, and then I will come back." Said gently and matter of factly. :)

[wuzzie]

I think another problem is all the explaining you did. It's enough to set up a boundry. This is Mommy's book, she is reading, leave it alone. Much more straight forward. Not confusing.

[milkmommy]

Seting up ahead of time can help.. Mommy is going to sit at her desk and look up a few numbers she needs to write down. Lets find something for you do do while I'm working.
We incorpurate "special" things like I might set her up with a piece of paper and a crayon, or two small bowls and a spoon one with dry cereal that she can eat or practice scooping from one container to the next, even a video or TV if needed on occassion. The idea is to change things up and not abuse the use of any. The special toys takes some teaching. 1) We don't take it away right after "we" ae done I don;'t say okay I'm off the phone put the colors up... WHen shes done though we rejoice and then return the stuff into their special place (in a cabinet outta sight) at first she whinned but we just said. I can see your upset and want to play with those toys. Those are going to stay their well take them out at another special time.

Deanna

[ArmsOfLove]

I agree with Joanne--you guys are doing great :) :clap

My reminder is that happy isn't the only acceptable emotion and doing something she doesn't like isn't a punishment just because she doesn't like it.

[Irene]

My reminder is that happy isn't the only acceptable emotion and doing something she doesn't like isn't a punishment just because she doesn't like it. yeah my dh struggles with this.. he thinks if she is screaming about something he is punishing her and he really feels like hes in a quandary about it :shrug