Meli
04-11-2005, 06:23 PM
Background
my dd (4yo) has been voluntarily trying to give up thumb sucking and doing very well, but occassionally gets upset - wanting to suck her thumb, yet not wanting to, etc. A couple of months ago we were cleaning up and came across an old deflated dummy which she wanted for her dolls. She played with it for a couple of days, then lost interest and it was put up on top of a cupboard and forgotten about again (I was going to throw it out but never got round to it). :doh
Sunday night DH was out, and dd was crying about not being able to suck her thumb. She remembered about the dummy and asked if she could have it. I knew it was deflated and would be uncomfortable to suck, that she was just looking for a distraction and would forget about it again in a few days, and given I was home alone trying to get 2 other kids to bed, I let her have it. I kind of looked at it as a way to be a stepping stone between thumb and no thumb.
Last night she had, as I predicted totally forgotten about it. But I made the mistake of checking she wasn't sucking her thumb (she wasn't)and putting a band aid on her thumb (her idea as a reminder) because it had fallen off during the day. That reminded her about the dummy and she asked for it, and dh totally flipped out. He told me off in front of the kids, told dd that "Mummy was wrong to give it to you", left dd in a screaming crying mess :hissyfit, and eventually gave in to her and let her have it anyway!! :doh
Now I recognise that letting her have it on Sunday night was probably not the wisest option :O, and I admitted that. But he undermined me in front of the kids, caused a massive tantrum, and then gave in to that. I am frustrated because I know she would have forgotten about it if he hadn't made such a big deal about it, but sure as heck she'll remember it now from the big blow up!! :banghead
We talked about it later, and lots of other discipline stuff came up. He was saying we are too lenient with the youngest, he doesn't want him in our bed (which is pretty rare now anyway, and when he is in our bed early morning crying for a feed and I am trying to stick to our night weaning - he is out of sync from daylight saving still - dh is going "feed him for goodness sake, I just want to sleep"), that we let eldest ds cry it out and he is none the worse for wear (eldest ds is a wonderful child, and was a very easy baby - we let him CIO once when he was 10mo and he slept through from then on). I argued that they were different personalities and that's why we parented differently (not that I would CIO with eldest given my time again) - our youngest would scream for days before he gave in! - ie that we adjusted our parenting to meet our children's individual needs. He argued instead that it was because we APed with the youngest that he is difficult. I am not permissive with the youngest, but I don't smack him either. DH thinks because I don't punish him, I am letting him get away with it. I argue that not giving into the tantrums means I am not letting him get away with it - I don't have to punish him as well - learning that they don't work to get what he wants is natural consequence enough.
When I talk about GBD ideas like the five steps and using "When, then" statements, reflecting feelings etc, DH nods and smiles as if he agrees, but when it comes down to it I think he just wants well behaved kids he can show off, so when they don't act as he wants he resorts to punishment, empty threats and even worse, bribery. :/
Thoughts?
my dd (4yo) has been voluntarily trying to give up thumb sucking and doing very well, but occassionally gets upset - wanting to suck her thumb, yet not wanting to, etc. A couple of months ago we were cleaning up and came across an old deflated dummy which she wanted for her dolls. She played with it for a couple of days, then lost interest and it was put up on top of a cupboard and forgotten about again (I was going to throw it out but never got round to it). :doh
Sunday night DH was out, and dd was crying about not being able to suck her thumb. She remembered about the dummy and asked if she could have it. I knew it was deflated and would be uncomfortable to suck, that she was just looking for a distraction and would forget about it again in a few days, and given I was home alone trying to get 2 other kids to bed, I let her have it. I kind of looked at it as a way to be a stepping stone between thumb and no thumb.
Last night she had, as I predicted totally forgotten about it. But I made the mistake of checking she wasn't sucking her thumb (she wasn't)and putting a band aid on her thumb (her idea as a reminder) because it had fallen off during the day. That reminded her about the dummy and she asked for it, and dh totally flipped out. He told me off in front of the kids, told dd that "Mummy was wrong to give it to you", left dd in a screaming crying mess :hissyfit, and eventually gave in to her and let her have it anyway!! :doh
Now I recognise that letting her have it on Sunday night was probably not the wisest option :O, and I admitted that. But he undermined me in front of the kids, caused a massive tantrum, and then gave in to that. I am frustrated because I know she would have forgotten about it if he hadn't made such a big deal about it, but sure as heck she'll remember it now from the big blow up!! :banghead
We talked about it later, and lots of other discipline stuff came up. He was saying we are too lenient with the youngest, he doesn't want him in our bed (which is pretty rare now anyway, and when he is in our bed early morning crying for a feed and I am trying to stick to our night weaning - he is out of sync from daylight saving still - dh is going "feed him for goodness sake, I just want to sleep"), that we let eldest ds cry it out and he is none the worse for wear (eldest ds is a wonderful child, and was a very easy baby - we let him CIO once when he was 10mo and he slept through from then on). I argued that they were different personalities and that's why we parented differently (not that I would CIO with eldest given my time again) - our youngest would scream for days before he gave in! - ie that we adjusted our parenting to meet our children's individual needs. He argued instead that it was because we APed with the youngest that he is difficult. I am not permissive with the youngest, but I don't smack him either. DH thinks because I don't punish him, I am letting him get away with it. I argue that not giving into the tantrums means I am not letting him get away with it - I don't have to punish him as well - learning that they don't work to get what he wants is natural consequence enough.
When I talk about GBD ideas like the five steps and using "When, then" statements, reflecting feelings etc, DH nods and smiles as if he agrees, but when it comes down to it I think he just wants well behaved kids he can show off, so when they don't act as he wants he resorts to punishment, empty threats and even worse, bribery. :/
Thoughts?