Need specific help with 2 yo DD

[SansSouci]

Hi, ladies. I'm glad to have found you again, from the old board. I really do need you! :hearts

My DD is 2 y/o (next week - yay!). I'm having the worst problem getting her to come when I say "come here". Like if we go check mail, she's great to the mail box, and then coming back home she does great, and then she doesn't want to come inside the house. Even if I let her play out on the lawn for forever, she really will refuse to eventually come back inside (1/8 times she'll listen and obey). Sometimes (1/3 times) she'll even run away from me down the sidewalk. She will even look back at me and smile/laugh. :doh This will happen in the grocery store, at a restaurant, or anywhere else where she feels like not doing what I'm saying. :hissyfit I get soooooooooooooooooo frustrated. If I ask any of my friends, the friends who spank tell me "just spank her!", and the friend who doesn't spank will say she has no clue and she has the same problem. :shrug

Please help. The other day I was so fed up, and Emily was running off down the sidewalk while I was trying to get her into the car, and we were at a friend's house (who spanks). My friend asked if she's been doing it a lot, and I said yeah, so she said I need to go home and beat my kid. (her words not mine) She said it sort of sarcastic b/c I think she knows I don't spank, but she did mean it... and that makes me so sad.

Any specific advice for a 2 y/o? I read the thread about the 8/6/3 y/o that said to talk about their feelings, etc. But I can't imagine that Emily talking about her feelings (when all she says are nouns: milk, blankie, dog, cat, etc.) is going to be effective with her. Any advice is very welcome!!!!!

Thanks so much.

love,
Elizabeth

[ArmsOfLove]

Well, first this is a normal 2yo thing so getting frustrated isn't going to change things--usually when I get frustrated I need a perspective change which is why I share that :)

Second, if you were going to spank her what would you need to do? Go and get her first. So go and get her and then take her where she is supposed to go--just leave out the spanking. ;)

For a child who is a persistent runner I don't drop their hands--running away isn't an option unless it's a safe place and I say it's okay. Before saying "come inside" I'd have my hand on her. Also, being playful gets them to want to play with you in the lead. "Playful Parenting" by Cohen has some good ideas. If it's a safety factor and she's persistent about running I'd have her on a tether when out.

hth

[sadie]

The first thing I think of is that a two yo cannot be expected to do something like this consistently. I don't believe that is an age appropriate expectation for her. ;)

I think at this stage, more important than teaching her to come when called, is to recognize the importance of getting up and going to her and getting her when you need to. The logic behind this is you cannot reasonably expect your child to consistently follow your command at 2 yo, but you can expect yourself as an adult to get up and go get her immediately. :)

A shortened form of the five steps is a good way to handle these situations. Example: She is trying to climb up a table. You say, "You need to come down from the table," while you walk over there and pick her up off of it. Skip the asking if they need help step, and go right to helping, while verbalizing what you want from them.

As far as the situations you specifically brought up, regarding not coming inside when it's time to, I would not make compliance an option. My advice is to tell her it is time to come in ten minutes, then five minutes, then two minutes to the time. Then when it is time to come in, say, "We are going inside now." And pick her up and take her inside. :)

As far as running away in the sidewalk, I would make a basic rule. Walking instead of being carried means hand holding is a must. Period. If you are not holding her hand, then she is not walking. This is a safety issue. It is not an opportunity to teach her to come to you when she is called.

Other moms may suggest those harness thingies. My opinion on them is :shrug If they will work for you, great. If not, oh well.

Mainly, I think this is about changing expectations and focus. It's not about teaching her to come when called on a consistent basis. It's about setting boundries and being willing to physically, immediately enforce them (I don't mean spanking when I say physically, I mean actually getting up and making it happen by picking her up, carrying her, etc.) Especially when it comes to running on the sidewalk, it's not a good idea to rely on a two yo's obedience, but rather one should rely on the immediate action of the parent in enforcing the safety rule/boundry.

Does that help? :)

ETA: I didn't know you posted, Crystal, until I had already posted mine. ITA with you. :)

[snlmama]

When my kids are at a stage where they are running away a lot I simply don't give them the chance to do it. My 2 year old has a choice at the store. He can hold my hand, hold onto the cart of go in the cart. If he can't hold onto my hand or the cart he goes in the cart. If there is not cart or stroller, I carry him.

If the issue is just not coming when you call, but at times that it's OK to be running around, like playing in the yard and such, what I do when they are at that stage is go to them, take their hand or start to pick them up and say "it's time to come inside now." and take them in. If you already have a hold on them, they can't run away as easily. This stage will pass and it's best to just make sure she knows (as Crystal says :)) that your words having meaning and if you tell her she is to come in, she *is* going to do it.

[MarynMunchkins]

Giving a 5, 3, 1 minute warning helps my kids too. :) Colin has no idea what time is, but he understands that the warnings mean we will be leaving soon. And I often carry him off crying. ;)

And I reflect feelings with Colin even though he's not very verbal. Saying "I know you don't want to go inside. It makes you sad." will help him verbalize that feeling once he *does* have the words, even though it seems pointless now. :)

[snlmama]

Wanted to add that the time warnings work w/ my older son, but my 2 1/2 year old was like the OP's child for awhile and would run if he had any warning that it was time to leave or come in. So, I'd be careful on the warnings if advance knowledge is giving her a chance to make a getaway.
Like at the park a month or so ago I fell into doing what I had always done w/ my oldest and said "we're leaving in 5 min," at which point ds (who had been playing in the rocks next to me) ran away, climbed to the top of the playscape and "hid out" until I sent another child to get him for me. :blush
It just works best to grab his hand, say "time to go" and leave before he gets away. :)

[jujubnme]

Crystal and Sadie's posts were right on. I just wanted to add some ideas that can help with cooperation. First, sometimes it helps during transitions to give a little advance warning ("five more minutes till we go back inside" or "one more turn down the slide and then it's time to leave"). You can also make a little game out of it, like "let's hop like kangaroos to the front door" or fly like an airplane or.... Also, it sometimes helps to talk about the next thing on the agenda. "We need to get home so we can see Daddy!" or "We're going to go make supper now. Would you like to help wash the potatoes?" But definitely, in the end, I often needed to just step in and physically help ds get to where we needed to go. At that time, if he had big feelings I'd reflect feelings, "You're sad. It's hard to stop playing when you're having fun," etc., but continue on carrying him where we needed to go. Hope that gives you a few more "tools" for your toolbelt :).

OK... three more people posted since I wrote this, so this is a little redundant, but I'm still going to post fwiw ;).

[SansSouci]

Good advice, ladies. Thanks so much.

I didn't realize it was an inappropriate expectation at this age, but of course it makes sense once you say it.

And thanks for the ideas on helping her cooperate (or at least setting up the situation so it results in cooperation). I'm really going to take that to heart.

I never believed in the "leashes" for kids either, until I had my DD and she started running off in the store. It's the scariest thing to not know where your child is. So, I do now have the leash, though we have yet to use it successfully (both times have resulted in tantrums and thus I have to carry her out of the store).

Thanks so much.

-Elizabeth
P.S. You may not see me post a lot, but I do lurk often - so I really value your advice!