Feeling guilty for all the times I've been harsh, out of control, and mean.

[Learninggentleness]

At times I struggle with selfishness and anger with my son. Sometimes I just don't want to be bothered and I feel like he should just go keep himself busy with his toys and books. If he persists in wanting my attention I can sometimes get very frustrated and rude. I have also been physically abusive to my son, pushing, squeezing, spanking in intense anger, threatening, etc. :cry I feel immensely guilty about all this and I still struggle with feelings that come up where I feel tempted to act this way. It HAS to stop. I have read Crystal's book, The Discipline Book, Heartfelt Discipline, and several others. I am also reading Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline ( I picked it up from the library). I feel like a horrible mother (not all the time, but enough of the time).

Yesterday Caleb accidentally bonked my nose really hard with the back of his head and I thought it was definitely broken (it wasn't). It hurt so bad and I cried a lot. But what made me cry all the more at that moment was thinking about how I had behaved earlier in the afternoon with him. I was not nice at all, to say the least.

FYI: Caleb is the sweetest, most thoughtful and adorable boy I know. Everyone he knows is amazed at what a happy, sociable, funny little guy he is. I don't want to be this way anymore...and I'm about to have another baby - and hopefully many more children in the future as well. I want to be a gentle, nurturing mother to my children, which is why my username is learninggentleness.

[joystrength]

I can relate on some level, mama. I have a VERY intense almost 3 1/2 year old.I pray for grace every day. I'm not going to offer any "advice." I'll let the non-newbies do that. Just wanted to let you know that your post sounded familiar, in some ways. I'm not pregnant, though. At least not that I know of, HA!
May God give you grace EACH day and ease the transition to a foursome GRACEFULLY! Savor each day.

:pray

[MarynMunchkins]

Oh, I can relate. :hug I'm mortified to think how I've treated my children at times. :blush :( :blush And than calling myself "gentle" !!! Oh, my -- I don't think so.

It's easy to get it in your head that you're a failure and that you can't change. But GRACE is the fundamental key to the Christian life - it exists so that we can begin again, fresh and new. Forgiveness is extended fully for every mistake, every unkind word and harsh act, because of the blood of Jesus Christ. :dance

Grace is there for everyone. :hug

[chelsea]

None of us are perfect, just keep close to God and with His help do your best! When you are feeling crumby about your own "slow progress" as a mother (as I feel a lot!) just remember that the grace we strive to show our children is the same grace that God gives freely to us!

[Close2MyHeart]

I am crying as I read this. Not because of how you are to your son sometimes, but because how honest you have been. I couldn't be so honest I think. :blush I am having a really rough time right now and struggling w/ this immensily. (especially w/ my 3 yo son) I will be praying for you. I know how difficult this is and how hard it is to change.



It's easy to get it in your head that you're a failure and that you can't change. But GRACE is the fundamental key to the Christian life - it exists so that we can begin again, fresh and new. Forgiveness is extended fully for every mistake, every unkind word and harsh act, because of the blood of Jesus Christ. :dance

Grace is there for everyone. :hug


And I want to say thank you to bananabugtatertot for this... it helped me a lot too.

[MarynMunchkins]

(((Becca))) :hug

Reading Ephesians has really helped me realize how fundamental grace is. :D It's overwhelming most of the time.

[findingjoy]

I have dealt (and am still dealing) with the same feelings of guilt. All I can say is to keep praying and keep reading those gentle discipline books. It takes time to establish new habits. I find that I do much better when I keep putting those good ideas into my mind on a regular basis. It takes time, but it does get easier. I still struggle with being gentle with my spirited 4 year old, but I am doing better and better. I think we hit some really low points between age 3 and 4. Things are looking up though! I am understanding his age appropriate behavior and his personality better. The guilt from my past offenses still creeps up at times too, but I know God can and will forgive me and wash away those sins. :hug

[fourbygrace]

:hug
I can relate to that feeling of guilt too. I have been reading many of the books you mentioned and today I was reflecting on the question "Why am I not more gentle after reading these books?". I am coming back to one answer that keeps speaking to me. I am not spending enough time reading the one Book that can really help me. I need to be spending more time in the Word of God.

I am going to start reading Ephesians tomorrow for my quiet time becasue I want to learn more about His grace and I have seen this suggestion several times on the boards tonight.

Another thing that came to me today is that I have been depending on myself ( and the books that I am reading) to try to become a "Gentle Christian Mother", when I need to rely on the strength of Christ. I have been struggling with this for about a year. I like to be in control and releasing that "I can do it if I try hard enough" attitiude is very hard for me to do, but I am realizing that I CANNOT do it myself. I need Christ to do it through me.

I want to be perfectly gentle tomorrow, but that is not how God works, I know. I have to allow Him to change me as I stop trying to change myself.

I am saying a prayer for you right now.

Blessings,
Mary

[boysmama]

I can totally relate! (My username on the old board was still-learning) And I am in awe of your honesty. I am sure you are well on your way of becoming a totally amazing mom :D

My oldest is a very intense, outgoing and high-spirited boy, and I think we have been down every route with him. First gentle, almost laissez-faire, then more disciplined (because I wanted to be more Godly :blush) and finally realising Grace is the only way.

One turning point for me was once I was so frustrated that I yelled at him 'For Gd's sake, behave like a grown-up', and ten seconds later thinking, what do I demand from him? He was about 5 or 6 then, I think. Not a grown-up at all.

I often wonder how I would have reacted if it were my children who tried to push their way to Jesus. Would I have wanted them to sit quietly with me in the back, to be seen and not heard? Jesus said: Let them come to me! It's like he said: Give them space. Let them be children.
My daily prayer to Jesus is to give me the wisdom and grace that he had to rejoice in my children's childishness.

[akmyilee]

All I can say is..........I totally understand, and it is HARD! :hug

[JJsMom]

:hug I could have written your post! You have gotten some great words of encouragement. I hate to spout out advice when you didn't really ask, but I struggle with the same thing and the only thing that has started to help me is that I made a comfort corner. There have been a few times in the last couple days that I have needed a break. I explain to JJ that Mommy needs a break and needs help calming down. We snuggle and I read a book and I feel so much better. It doesn't always stop the freakouts, but it helps. Sometimes being a mom is so hard and it feels like I have given so much, I deserve ______ (sleep, a few minutes to read, time to talk on the phone, etc.). I think I'm going to have to go back and read the encouragments from the other ladies when I am feeling that way.

[canadiyank]

Oh ((mama)) - and you're bursting pregnant! I often struggle, and I've been GBDing for three years! Just yesterday I yelled and grabbed her arm roughly - umm, not one iota of gentleness there. :cry And now I'm struggling since I have the baby and a preschooler and I expect *so* much from my preschooler. It's hard to remember she's just tiny, too!

One book I would like to recommend that's helped me immensely is "The Other Side of Love," by Gary Chapman. He wrote the Love Languages books. I found it very helpful and loved its Christian perspective of anger.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0802467776/qid=1113247477/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/104-4556625-1962321?v=glance&s=books

The thing that helped me the most is there's this "tipping point" where you choose your reaction - for example, if I had been at church surrounded by people I would not have grabbed my child that harshly...I CHOSE to react that way and I can choose to MODIFY that reaction. Same thing, I wouldn't have done that in front of my MIL, my mom etc.! Yeah, she was pushing my buttons, but I chose that reaction...so that's one thing I like about that book is it made me aware that nobody "makes" me react a certain way and I can choose my reaction depending on the situation...so now I'm learning to choose the gentle reaction each and every time. :)

I've been there, mama. One thing I always do is apologize to my child and talk about what should have happened, that mama made a mistake and is sorry. Most of the time I scared her so badly all she remembers is my anger - great, that's a lesson learned, eh? :rolleyes Point being, children aren't learning when they're afraid—she doesn't have a clue why I yelled, any "lesson" I could claim was learned flies right out the window b/c she's just plain scared—and those moments are a poignant reminder of why I choose (most of the time!) to employ GBD.

[The Tickle Momster]

:hug You are not alone. I also could have written some of your post. I struggle with these things too. Thanks for having the courage to be so honest!

[Lois]

:hug

[Learninggentleness]

I wrote a long reply to many quotes from this thread, but after I previewed it I pressed the back button and lost the whole thing. :hissyfit

Oh well, I don't have the time to write it over again, but I will say a big THANK YOU to all of you for your advice and encouragement :grouphug. I definitely realized once again that I need to daily renew my mind by reading God's word :idea. That's the only way I will truly change. (Thanks for reminding me Mary :)).

And here's a quote from a birthlove.com forum post that I thought might be interesting (especially to JJsMom). I'm going to make one of these boxes (I don't have an extra drawer) in addition to a comfort corner for my son (and me :lol) :

"Here is part of the outline for the presentation I did... Basically a comfort drawer is a place to keep special treats that are all for you. On a day when you need refueling, you go to your comfort drawer and take the time to savor one treat. It's a way of pampering yourself a bit so that you have something to give to others. Here are some ideas I passed out:

*IDEAS FOR YOUR COMFORT DRAWER*

A little bit of what you fancy does you good. –Marie Lloyd

When you’ve had an especially draining day it’s important to steal away just a few moments to rest and recharge. We know these days will come so plan ahead by filling a special drawer with a few indulgences that you save just for these occasions. You can clean out a junk drawer or use a pretty box. Make sure that you line it with some nice paper or pretty fabric. You can even wrap each item in a little tissue paper and tie it with a bow. Here are a few ideas of what to tuck inside: Chocolate, (not old Halloween candy, the good stuff!), bath treatments, a bottle of bubbles to take outside and blow, you can watch them drift away while you listen to nature, a book by Erma Bombeck or another humorous author, magazines that you never have time to read, Homeopathic “Rescue Remedy” for calming down after stressful situations, a satin eye mask to shut out distractions, scented bubble bath and talc, old love letters or thank you notes that make you feel loved and appreciated, inspirational sayings, a scrapbook of personal mementos, a tin of fancy butter cookies, assorted teas, or decaffeinated coffees."

[fourbygrace]

Sarah,

Thanks for posting the info about the Comfort Drawer. That is such a great idea! I love it. I am going to work on making one.

I am glad my post encouraged you to get into the Word more. I needed the reminder for myself. :)

Blessings,
Mary

[JJsMom]

I'm going to make a comfort drawer too!! Thanks! That is a great idea. I think some special chocolate will go in there for sure! And I have some cards and things I can put in there! Thank you for the great idea! How do you feel after posting? I hope that you see that lots of Moms struggle and that you are a great Mama! :hug

[Learninggentleness]

I feel better about my need to give myself grace too. I want to start skipping over the part where I feel horrible about what I've done, and instead tell my son I'm sorry, ask for forgiveness, and move on to how I WANT to behave with him instead. I spend too much time mulling over my sin and feeling horrible about it. BUT, I do recognize the need to not minimize what I'm doing to my son and how it's effecting him. I will be continuing to take that very seriously. I would appreciate everyone's prayers because I know this is going to be a journey for me...that is, to become a truly gentle mama.

[MarynMunchkins]

:hug and :pray

It's not about minimizing it - it's about moving forward. You can't change the past, so don't dwell on how you messed up. However, it's important to look at what happened, what triggered your response, and how you will respond the next time. :)

[chelsea]

If I put chocolate in a comfort drawer, I would soon begin beating myself up hourly to go and get my fix! :blush

[Micah]

Your not alone, I am right there with you...I am new to Gentleness too and the guilt has been setting in more and more the past week....
{hugs}