HELP!!!!! EVERY HUMAN FIBER IN MY BODY WANTS TO BE PUNITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Beyond Blessed]

5 year old "d"s (d is in quotes because he's not feeling very dear right now! :mad) This morning he came to me and told me that his 2 year old sister had colored on the wall with red ink (playroom in basement). I went to look and Jeanna is entirely TOO short to have reached it even if she had climbed up on a nearby lego table. I waited till ds#1 got home from school and made Jeanna climb on the table in front of her brothers and try to reach the marks - simply couldn't. ds#2 still saying it was her. Denying that he did it - for over 15 minutes. Man, is he a good liar!!!!!! I am BOILING mad! THIS website helped me hold myself accountable. We were spankers before, and boy did I want to spank him. I didn't - it's wrong and it just gives me an outlet for my temper. Okay, so I'm not doing that. He is sitting in my recliner waiting for me. Um, I did tell him to get out of my face :blush I am fit to be tied. WHY in the world would a nearly 6 year old boy do this? And he blamed his sister. And he lied SO well. I feel like natural consequences should be:

no pens/pencils/markers for the next week exept for homework - AND - he should not be allowed downstairs (into the playroom) for the next week. He can still have computer time in the kitchen, ride his bike, etc...

Please help me here. I am TRYING to see straight!

[Joanne]

no pens/pencils/markers for the next week exept for homework - AND - he should not be allowed downstairs (into the playroom) for the next week. He can still have computer time in the kitchen, ride his bike, etc...

First, it's not outside of normal or expected at his age. Inappropriate, yes. But not in need of outside intervention.

To the quote above, I'd add that he needs to clean up/earn the money to pay for clean up.

And, given his age, I'd consider some work from the Bible on lying and creating trouble for siblings.

[ArmsOfLove]

Also, if you know the answer, don't ask the question--that sets them up to lie. I will tell my children, "You did X" and if they deny it I will say, "You wish that was the way it happened. I'm not discussing this with you . . . you need to help clean up" (or whatever). I've also found that if I ask them, "Is that the truth or the truth the way you want it to be?" I often get very different answers ;)

sometimes, in homes that were previously punitive, children learn to lie so that someone other than them gets in trouble. it's important to hold him accountable and teach him while reassuring him that you are there to help him.

[Beyond Blessed]

nak - great points joanne - ty. we will do appropriate verses and have him clean it off. i didn't know what to do so i told him to sit in my recliner - he fell asleep. it's so hard for me to see this as normal behavior for his age - i would have thiught that this was a toddler issue. oh - i need to add - when i told him that i really thought this was him (before his actual confession) - he stomped his feet and said "that is not fair" and started to run upstairs. it scares me how well he lies :sa it's not like i try to blame everything on him. i have a headache now. my inlaws will be here soon to take the boys for the weekend - it's like he gets to escape from the consequences of his actions :rolleyes

just saw your post crystal and i will try to use that approach in the future. i said that i knew one of them did it - i just couldn't prove it was aidan until he confessed.

please pray - this is a very hard transition - and i do understand why he tried to blame it on her - thanks for pointing that out :blush

argh! :O

[BeckaBlue]

(((HUGS)))

I TOTALLY KWYM!!!!!!!! I'm in this same position (not at this exact moment though) kenz still draws on the walls and places she knows better. she contantly lies about EVERYTHING, whether it matters or not :hissyfit

[ArmsOfLove]

He is at the outside edge of a stage called "words as magic" and in that stage they believe if they say it it makes it so ;) It's not intentional lying in that they aren't out to decieve--but really want to undo things with their words and say things the way that they want it to be.

[Beyond Blessed]

:heart i knew there was a reason i loved this board - ty ty ty for the great info. aidan and i talked - i will update when the baby falls asleep.

[BeckaBlue]

ok, how do we get through this stage without losing trust in them? im honestly at the point where i believe very little of what she says and i hate feeling that way :( i need to find my 'forgive and forget' devotional i think

[4blessings]

"You wish that was the way it happened. I'm not discussing this with you . . ."

Love that! I'm going to use it myself! Thanks!

[This Busy Mom]

sometimes, in homes that were previously punitive, children learn to lie so that someone other than them gets in trouble. it's important to hold him accountable and teach him while reassuring him that you are there to help him.

You know, what he did wouldn't even make me bat an eye now...

"Hmmm.... what happened here?? Someone taller than (little sister) got carried away on the wall... We're going to have to (whatever it is... paint, use a solvent (which I would NOT let them help with so maybe I'd use a solvent and THEN have them help me paint)) in order to fix this." And, if he continues to still deny vehemently and I know who the guilty party is, then I would tell him something along the line of "well, until this taken care of, no more __________." or "You can go back to doing_________ when we've taken care of the wall."

Usually if mine's done something they know they shouldn't of and I don't react by blaming or setting them up to lie, then they are relieved to let go of the guilt.

My oldest did 2 things when he was younger that totally flipped my lid. One of them was that he took all my pysanky eggs as I was making them (each one took 14-24 hrs to make) and he either hid them or broke them. The only thing I would change is how I reacted... God was teaching me something then and I knew it, but instead I lost it. He was probably about 4 or 5 at that time.

The other thing he did, and I did loose it at first, but then I got a handle on it and understood what happened wasn't from him being malicious, but he was trying to fix something he did. I had just bought my mom's extended cab ford truck from her 3 days prior. I just cleaned it up and brought it home. It was in the spring (this time of year) and it was really muddy out. He was 6 and I let him go out to play. We lived out in the boonies, so this was an ok thing to do. I went out about 5-10 minutes to check on him, and there were scratches down to the primer all over the passenger side doors of my new truck. I lost it. Then, I thought about it and asked him what happened. He'd thrown mud all over the side of my truck and then felt bad about it, so he used a shovel to scrape it off :eek :eek :eek :wow :wow :wow :doh :doh :doh. I really didn't do anything to fix that... he still has to see it to this day 3 years later. He's well aware of how those scratches got there.

[Lois]

man....isn't it nice to own old stuff! ;)