How do you do gentle discipline with an 8 yr old???

[peacefullone]

I have been praying to learn this for a long time, but sometimes it seems like I get hardly anywhere with it. In some ways, I think I've made progress and in other ways, I feel like I mess up so bad. How can I learn this way? What do you all do? I need help.

Thanks,

Holly

[Joanne]

I'm glad you are here.

GBD is a relationship, not an event. We would need more information in order to share with you specifics of what we do.

[peacefullone]

Ok, I understand it must be a relationship. sorry. How about for example, my 8 year old, Kyle is running around very active. Sometimes it seems it takes me more than once to get him to calm down. Then I get all worked up and tired out, sometimes of saying things more than once even more than 1 topic during that night. He might also be getting on Timmy about something he thinks Timmy's not supposed to be doing. Sometimes he gets rude in his wording and tone of voice. He's not always this way. I also think he feels like I don't spend enough time with him. He says, "I'm always on this computer." I feel like this is difficult to explain. I hope this helps you to understand what I need help with.

thanks

Holly

[ArmsOfLove]

A little more specifics would help but I can offer some ideas :)

I would suggest introducing some rituals and routines that are about connecting. Determine his long language(s) and make sure to speak them to him.

With regards to correcting his younger brother--this can be turned to good :) I teach my older children how to help me with the younger children but assure them that I don't need help from them with parenting. So teach him to remind his brother of the rules, but he's not to do the actual disciplining--initial teaching or enforcing. I have taught ds1 to help ds2 be successful and to help with things he's not big enough to do.

Because I've taught ds how to talk to me and know he knows how if he gets a rude or argumentative attitude I have instituted that he must sit on the couch until he is ready to speak respectfully to me--and I make sure that when he is speaking respectfully I will hear him out and consider his requests as well as share with him why I'm making the decisions I am.

hth

[peacefullone]

Determine his long language(s) and make sure to speak them to him.

What do you mean "his long languages" ??? I have already been doing better with trying to have patience with him, and reminding him that he's choosing to obey or not obey.

thanks,

Holly

[peacefullone]

Oh, lately I have been having him redo things when he's speaking disrecpectfully, I say to him, "No, try it again." He gets tired of doing this, but I hope I'm giving him the right point. What do you think? Is this also gentle discipline? Also, when he's having a bad attitude about something, I also have him redo it. I tell him go back to where he started the bad attitude and try it again.

Holly

[4blessings]

Holly, I think Crystal meant love languages, not long languages, LOL! Have you read the Love Languages book? The actual title escapes me at the moment, but it's all about determining what "acts" make your child feel most loved. Judging from a couple of things you said, I'm thinking your son's love language might be quality time.

[ArmsOfLove]

:lol Sorry--yes, that was supposed to be "love language" :) Oh, lately I have been having him redo things when he's speaking disrecpectfully, I say to him, "No, try it again." He gets tired of doing this, but I hope I'm giving him the right point. What do you think? Is this also gentle discipline? Also, when he's having a bad attitude about something, I also have him redo it. I tell him go back to where he started the bad attitude and try it again.
This is great! Just make sure that you've taught him what the appropriate and expected way to speak *is*--offer scripts if necessary :)

[boysmama]

The love-language idea is great.

I also have a boy your age that I am always trying to be more gentle with. He also has younger brothers, and sometimes he complains that I am only 'disciplining' him.
I think it is tough to be the oldest sometimes.

Take care to shower him with as much attention and love as you do your youngest. He needs it just as much or more.

I try to sit down regularly and talk with him, give him lots of hugs.
Give him praise for what a great son, big brother and friend he is.
Respect his personality and support his interests.

I still struggle with my temper when he gets out of hand, though. But the thing that helps me the most is to remind myself that he is a child, he needs to be childish. I am the grown-up and I have to behave accordingly.

[peacefullone]

Thanks everyone, I am trying to spend more time with him. I think this is also one of the ways that he feels loved.

Holly

[ArmsOfLove]

Holly, maybe you can pick one frustrating situation and describe it for us, beginning to end, and we can go through it and share how we would have handled it at different stages, worked to prevent it, or applied a consequence, etc.

[peacefullone]

Holly, maybe you can pick one frustrating situation and describe it for us, beginning to end, and we can go through it and share how we would have handled it at different stages, worked to prevent it, or applied a consequence, etc.


Ok, ummmm.... I'm thinking. Ok, one thing that really gets me is when we are talking about something and he might say something that will sound rude to me. He will exaggrate something. It's hard to remember exactly now. But something like we would be talking about something like doing dishes, and he might say " I suppose you want me to do them all the time now." And he may be saying it in a sassy way. Or other times he would say, that I'm always on the computer. (Though he hasn't said this lately, because I'm not on here like I used to be. I've been working on not doing that so much.) He would also say that in a unacceptable way. Sometimes it would sound that way to me, even if he was trying to say them in a good way. So I wonder if some of this may be how I understand him????

Hope this helps? And thanks for your help.

Holly

[ArmsOfLove]

Sounds like something I'd say ;)

I would actually respond as playfully as possible. "Yep, all of the dishes from now on are yours--I even talked with the neighbor lady and assured her you'd be happy to do hers too" :lol

The computer comment sounds like he might be asking for more of *you* and I might do some active listening/feelings reflecting. "You think I've been on the computer too much lately. You're feeling neglected and missing me." And I'd make effort to do something together :)

[peacefullone]

Cool, thanks. I will try that.

[peacefullone]

Just a little update: We have been doing a lot better lately. Thanks everyone!

smiles,

Holly

[SingingPraise]

I've lived through 8 and just wanted to tel lyou...

it'll get worse. LOL

only kidding.

My oldest is turning 16 and we've had our ups and downs with speaking disrespectuflly, eye rolling, door slamming, talking under her breath and other just downright rude stuff.
The BEST defense is indeed a sense of humor and playfullness.

Chelsey "i can't wait til zoey is old enough . then you'll make HER do the dishes. I hate doing dishes"
me " yah, but zoey wont' be in charge of dishes. You'll be doing dishes here when you're fifty. Seriously, I'm going to make arrangements with your husband and after you do the dishes after dinner at your house you'll need to drive here and do ours while zoey sits on the couch watching and eating bonbons"
Chelsey cracked up for a good ten minutes over that one.
Then we had a conversation about chores and talked about if she really hated doing dishes then we could give her a break from them for a while and come up with something else helpful. Like cleaning her bathroom? lol

By the time the conversation was over we were both laughing and came up with some compromises.
She actually COOKS at least one night a week (with mom helping walk her thru stuff) so that she cooks, i do dishes ;)
We are including baby sister in the dishwashing experience twice a week so she learns how to help. She is very good at drying dishes to be put away. And we keep communication open - so that she's not feeling like she's being punished or my "slave child" and I'm not feeling like I'm the slave to this house and "no one ever helps me willingly". lol

Anyway - older kids are hard to GD but its so cool when you stick to it. Mostly i find its about me stopping what i'm doing, really listening to her and talking thru what we can do about whatever it is thats bugging her. Cuz the preteen and teen years? They have alot of stuff going on in their heads and we WANT them to talk to US

good luck. I'm glad to hear its going better :)

[ArmsOfLove]

You know, Barb, you are so right that the key to teens is *listening* and making life fun. When I watch Lifetime movies or things about teens and their issues the parents are always talking--and when the child tries to talk the parent jumps in to boss, invalidate, change the subject, fix things, tell them what to do :( And the teen stops talking--just like we all do when we try to share and are met with that.