Joanne
04-08-2005, 05:26 AM
There have been several threads lately (Nanny inspired, to some degree) about apologies.
Many GBD moms don't use them or don't agree with them.
But, I do and I've changed my mind on them. I wanted to post a link to my blog about the topic. I think it's important for people to know that GBD parents aren't clones and that GBD can look different and still be GBD.
http://happyhomeschooler.blog-city.com/read/249847.htm
(cut and paste)
Over my years of parenting, I've researched a lot of different parenting models (and here and here). I've even considered some that are completely counter intuitive. I've embraced and discarded many paradigms, ideas, tools.
One firmly held belief I had early on was that a child should never be forced or encouraged to offer an apology. They should offer one if they felt moved to. They would learn about apologies through life experience. And they would be surrounded with the loving, honest, sincere and empathetic model my DH and I demonstrate.
I held that belief into the first few years of my oldest's life. And I have one thing to say to those involved in my son's life at that time: I'm sorry.
I finally realized and admitted that my thinking was flawed and my son and his people deserved better. I realized that in my adult life, I often have to *act* my way into the right thinking. I have to clean the toilet before I feel like cleaning toilets. I have to start rubbing my DH's feet before I want to rub his feet (sorry, dear, for that juxtaposition). I have to rub my children's back and read them a story even when I am exhausted from a long day.
My children need to develop the character that enables them to do the right thing regardless of their *feelings*. Looking back, when I started parenting, I was coming from a self-centered, immature place where one's feelings were elevated to degree where feelings were given too much power and attention. I believed the self esteem lie.
I honestly believe than any mature long term relationship (marriage, friend, child, parent) will at some point include apologies that aren't "sincere". They will sometimes be muttered as a social nicety. Sometimes they will be offered simply to keep peace. Other times, the function will be to keep peace but the level is higher. We decide that our need to be right is less important than our need to be "happy".
I expect my children to learn the intricacies of apology the same way I expect (and demand) they learn other things: through consistent training, attention and progressively higher levels of expectations on my part. That, and lots of grace. :)
Many GBD moms don't use them or don't agree with them.
But, I do and I've changed my mind on them. I wanted to post a link to my blog about the topic. I think it's important for people to know that GBD parents aren't clones and that GBD can look different and still be GBD.
http://happyhomeschooler.blog-city.com/read/249847.htm
(cut and paste)
Over my years of parenting, I've researched a lot of different parenting models (and here and here). I've even considered some that are completely counter intuitive. I've embraced and discarded many paradigms, ideas, tools.
One firmly held belief I had early on was that a child should never be forced or encouraged to offer an apology. They should offer one if they felt moved to. They would learn about apologies through life experience. And they would be surrounded with the loving, honest, sincere and empathetic model my DH and I demonstrate.
I held that belief into the first few years of my oldest's life. And I have one thing to say to those involved in my son's life at that time: I'm sorry.
I finally realized and admitted that my thinking was flawed and my son and his people deserved better. I realized that in my adult life, I often have to *act* my way into the right thinking. I have to clean the toilet before I feel like cleaning toilets. I have to start rubbing my DH's feet before I want to rub his feet (sorry, dear, for that juxtaposition). I have to rub my children's back and read them a story even when I am exhausted from a long day.
My children need to develop the character that enables them to do the right thing regardless of their *feelings*. Looking back, when I started parenting, I was coming from a self-centered, immature place where one's feelings were elevated to degree where feelings were given too much power and attention. I believed the self esteem lie.
I honestly believe than any mature long term relationship (marriage, friend, child, parent) will at some point include apologies that aren't "sincere". They will sometimes be muttered as a social nicety. Sometimes they will be offered simply to keep peace. Other times, the function will be to keep peace but the level is higher. We decide that our need to be right is less important than our need to be "happy".
I expect my children to learn the intricacies of apology the same way I expect (and demand) they learn other things: through consistent training, attention and progressively higher levels of expectations on my part. That, and lots of grace. :)