I'm so frustrated, will I ever "get it"?

[LoveToReadMommy]

Well, I just had this huge post and somehow lost it. I'll be more brief this time.

I cried a lot today. :hissyfit I'm trying so hard. So is dh. I just don't get it. I'm permissive one minute, punative the next, and all the while I'm reading tons of stuff to learn how to discipline with grace. I argue with dh about what he does or says, or expects, yet I don't know what to do! It's so hard! :banghead

Should I get specific or just ask my questions? I don't know. I"m tired of hurting my girls feelings by my tone, volume and words. Am I wrong to have expectations? Like listening for example, how do you get a child to listen? Is it punative to think "She should listen." "She shouldn't yell at her parent" "She needs to go in the comfort corner because she's disturbing us" Is it abusive to force your child into the car by dragging them by the arm while they scream at you and talk rude? (all because you told them to get their shoes on)

Giving up isn't an option, I know God led us to this concept and lifestyle. But sometimes I want to give up.

[Irene]

:hug Im so sorry you are having a rough time :cry have you read any books from the list? we are going to do the 7 week thing starting the 18th you can follow along with us with that.

I would say just post specific things and then everyone can help you out brainstorming together. sometimes there are other things we cant really see whats going on unless you tell us specific things.

like the shoe incident, can you just explain what you did/she did a bit more?

:hug

[milkmommy]

How old is your child? Much would depend on your childs age.

Deanna

[LoveToReadMommy]

Irene, yes, I am in the middle of that book, "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline." Maybe that's why I'm overwhelmed, there is a lot to remember! I'm very much interested in that thing going on with that book starting a few weeks. I just read "Relational Parenting" by Ross Campbell. I have many books coming, either that I ordered or from the Library. Here's the list.
Kids Parents and Power Struggles (own the abridged cassette) and couldn't survive without Raising Your Spirited Child on hand
When Anger Hurts Your Kids
How to Really Love your Angry Child
How to Really Love Your Child
I Love You Rituals
Families Where Grace is in Place
Ames books about 4 and 6 year olds
Playful Parenting

Plus I've read Crystal's book, twice, Heartfelt Discipline, twice, I browse through Dr. Sear's Discipline book often, Spirited Child often. I read the articles from Crystal's website also.

See, I'm serious about this thing!!!!!!!

[LoveToReadMommy]

Oops, let me finish answering the questions

The shoe incident...

Well, she's having a rough morning, and I knew it. I should have just been helping her a lot more, instead of barking orders to get us out the door. By this time I am completely frustrated with her, for making the morning so hard, and I feel guilty about that, because I want to be empathetic to her. Anyway, I came in from loading the car and she (going to be 4yo in 2 weeks) is sitting by her shoes and in a snotty voice says, "I'm not going to put on my shoes because you were rude to me." (I had told her two or three times to get them on, but I didn't offer to help, mostly because I am VERY PREGNANT and uncomfortable.) So I just grabbed her arm and shoes and marched her out to the car, buckled her up and handed set her shoes next to her. She was screaming, I ignored her and went to get other dd, as we drove, she screamed, I turned on some music, she said it hurt her ears, I said she was hurting my ears and I'd turn it down when she turned her volume down. Took a minute, she did, then she even put her shoes on. They stayed ont he wrong feet all morning!

[ArmsOfLove]

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) You are struggling with changing out the tapes that play punitive messages. It can be very hard to change your way of thinking--your entire paradigm.

With the shoe issue, it sounds like she was trying to get you to acknowledge her feelings. All of that is her crying for attention to her feelings. You're looking at the behavior but she's operating at an emotional level. I know when I'm in a mood if someone focuses on my behavior I get angrier and angrier and more and more resistant to them :( And it's not really conscious--I just get MORE emotional until someone addresses my emotions. It's like they start screaming that they need attention until they get it.

How does she respond when you reflect feelings?

And maybe more importantly, how comfortable are you with her feelings--and with your own?

[Irene]

okay, just a thought, seeing your list of books ;)

I know that when I read a book I feel extremely overwhelmed by it and suddenly my self esteem goes down the toilet and I really start messing up and then the guilt gets piled up on my head and then I parent even worse....
so not saying books arent good, but maybe not try to remember everything every single time. :shrug dont try to conquer this all at once and try to be a super parent :mrgreen


You are pregnant! give yourself some grace :)

I have also heard 4 gets better... she will be on her equilibrium soon :highfive

[milkmommy]

One of the biggest things that helped me was to not soo much dwell on askng my self What am I doing wrong when DD misbehaved but rather What am I doing right when things go well. After a bit I started to notice a pattern, like in her diet or how much time we spent playing together even how I had talked to others in front of her. It wasn't long before I could expand on the good making the bad times fewer and easier to deal with.

Deanna

[LoveToReadMommy]

The funny thing is, most of my frustration and daily blow ups revolve around a different child than the one we're discussing!!! My oldest dd is almost 6, she's spirited and has BIG feelings about everything, is VERY verbal and we butt heads a lot. She's not into cuddling like youngest dd, and I don't feel as close to her. :(

I should focus more on what is happening when things are good. We just had a big day out yesterday, so of course it was hard to go out today again...transitions.... dh just realized that he's been working outside the home for 11/2 weeks, and he's been working at home all winter also.......

Anyway, you're probably right about the book thing. I felt so great after reading Relational Parenting the other day, gleaned some good stuff. But this Baily book....definitely one that needs to be discussed with others, a lot of info!!

Crystal about the feelings, well I don't really know how to do the reflecting feelings thing. I tried it today with ddalmost4yo when she was crying for her special chips that were leftover (a treat when we run errands) and I wanted her to wait until after dinner, I tried to be fun about how I wanted her to be a big piece of chocolate and I pretended to munch on her and tickle her, she laughed a little, but went right back to nagging about the chips. I even said, "Asked and answered already!"

The feeling question you ask is interesting, because it was mentioned a few days ago in a post about the bear hug, and I realized that a lot of friction around here is because my girls and I both have BIG feelings about things, they aren't violent and out of control, they are expressive and loud. I'm not really comfortable with all the crying and yelling, I want peace!!!

Not realistic is it?

[ShangriLewis]

I will offer my big tip if you haven't seen it before! I always offer it.

When I first started down this road about 6 years ago, I found the AP list at yahoo and I would post questions. I would print out the answers and put them in a prominent place. That used to be the fridge because my oldest couldn't read yet. Inside your closet door or with the socks is good. Just so you see it everyday. When you got that down then move on to a new post. Pick your battles one at a time.

Now everytime you see something that you know applies to your life or a post just really makes you think..print those out. You can notebook them if you want and then read a new one everyday...like a grace based devotional.

This really worked for me because I saw what to do in certain concrete situations with real people. Crystal made the point of those tapes in your head. If you know what to do and you write it down then you can do it. And, repeat it until you start thinking in a gentle way.

Heather

[ArmsOfLove]

Reflecting feelings requires that you learn how to identify and get comfortable with feelings, but it also helps that happen :) It is like holding a mirror up to the individual and helping them see what they are doing--not behavior wise, but feelings-wise. "you are angry" "you are sad" "you are so happy" With younger children you can teach them how you know by using descriptive praise which states what you see. "You are angry. Your hands are tight like fists and your eyes are very squinty and small. You have tenseness in your whole body." 'you are sad. I see tears and your shoulders are sagging." "You are so happy. Your face is bright and your eyes are shining and you are bouncing like Tigger." Sometimes it helps with my own children if I stop and ask myself, "If I were acting that way, how would I be feeling?" With emotional people if you try to address the behavior before you address the emotions you're not just wasting your time, you're making things worse! Address my feelings and I'm unlocked so that I can figure out my own behavior changes that are needed.

I was really thinking and praying about your situation last night and the thing that stood out to me was that you've read and studied so much and have the information in there. I'd suggest you set aside the books and spend the month being a student of your children. Get to know *them*--their feelings, what motivates them, what upsets them, how they think about things. Play with them--get playful with them. Cry with them, laugh with them, reconnect with them. And see how things are at the end of the month. :hug

[LoveToReadMommy]

You are absolutely right Crystal, that is what I got out of reading "Relational Parenting" (which I believe he just re-published under "How to Really Parent Your Child".) Anyway, they need to feel loved. It goes with what you say about if a child feels good, they act good. I had just gotten off the phone with dh before I read your post yesterday and I told him that we need to back off a little and stop trying to "do" things everytime there is a situation. I think my dds feel so frustrated and confused and unloved because we're on this passive/aggressive/punative cycle while we're trying to learn and apply concepts of GBD.

So I will take your advice, except I will read a little :O I'm dealing with swelling in my feet, so I have more time to puyt my feet up while waiting for baby....

One thing I want to ask for help about..... like you said, I have the information, (some of it sticks in my brain after I read, not all of it!) Yet whenever we're faced with a situation, I just don't know how to respond! I feel scared, worried, etc and just wish the conflict would go away. I know that I am naturally a permissive person.I think dh responds punatively ("You have to listen the first time" "You can't say no to your daddy" "Stop crying") So a lot of my stress is coming from my trying to "police" his responses, and not knowing how to respond myself.

But we're having a good day today, they let me know when I'm hurting their feelings by my tone of voice, and I'm spending time with them. I love them so much! :heart

Thanks everyone for your help, prayers, etc! This forum is the best! :hearts

[ShangriLewis]

My husband and I are alot like that. I, personally, do not police my husband because I don't want him to police me ;) What has really helped us is after a situation or when we are getting in bed we talk about that day. What do I think I could have done better? It opens up the dialouge, so we can both talk without getting defensive.

Heather

[ArmsOfLove]

Many people have found Heather's idea of putting things all over the house to be very helpful. If you know that there are GBD ideas up in every room then if something happens and you pause a moment and read what's posted you have a fresh reminder of what you're doing and why. It can really give you confidence as well as equip you in the moment.