My punitive Mom and sharing GBD --- vent!

[TraceMama]

Warning: Same post exists in another thread as a response, but I wasn't sure if anyone would still be reading it. Sorry :blush

The Bean-Dip posts hit home for me today. I need to vent about a conversation I had with my Mom this morning. She was babysitting someone else's kids, made them sit at the table until they finished eating 5 bites of hot dogs (the child is not yet 3 and no one else was at the table); at bedtime, my Dad went into the room with the wooden spoon to make sure they got the point that it was time to be quiet; the boy had to sit again at breakfast and eat his pancakes. It just scares me that this is my Mom's mentality and that she'll be spending so much time with my ds. She also reminded me of the time that my younger brother had to sit at the dining room table because he refused to eat dinner for about 2 hours while getting spanked every 15-20 minutes until he finally ate ---- my brother was not older than 4! My Mom said AGAIN today that he was just being rebellious and needed to be spanked.

How do I NOT address GBD with her? How do I expect her NOT to spank her grandchild when she's willing to spank and punitively discipline other people's kids?!

This is going to be hard.....

[ArmsOfLove]

I think you need to first make sure you're not in denial and admit that she *will* spank and punish him unless you do something very firm with boundaries. And you may need to realize she's not going to be a safe person for watching him alone :( :hug :pray

[sadie]

Ditto what Crystal said. Please don't leave your children in their unsupervised care. It sounds like she would not hesitate to spank/punish them. :( :pray

[TraceMama]

I definitely plan on setting some serious boundaries and informing her and my Dad that they are in no way, shape or form allowed to spank and/or punish ds. However, how do I go about this without having one of those long, drawn-out conversations? Can I simply say, "Ds is not to be spanked by you. He is our child and we will discipline him as we see fit. Please respect our wishes." Is that enough? Has this worked for anyone else and their parents/in-laws?!

[snlmama]

Is that enough? Has this worked for anyone else and their parents/in-laws?!

It could be or it could not be. Did she have permission from the parent's of the child you are talking about to spank them and enforce the eating rules, or did she just assume she had that right? The answer to that would say a lot to me. Honestly, I'd start there and ask her if you don't know already. Then I'd tell her what you just said. From there you'd have to decide if that's "enough" or not. :think My fil, just telling him something is not enough. He is not allowed to be alone w/ my children. With parents, like with children you have to use discernment to know what they can and cannot do w/o help. (in this case, your supervision)

[sadie]

Well, in my case, I tried the long, heartfelt conversation, and it failed. :/ Because of our overly gentle approach, and our willingness to explain/defend our choices, my IL's believed they could still act however they wanted to. Finally, we simply and briefly stated what was and was not acceptable, and that's that. What they think about it is irrelevant, and we are no longer interested in their opinions or in an open dialogue about why we have made these choices. We set the rules, and they can choose to follow them and be in our lives, or not follow them and therefore suffer the consequences of their own actions. And they are not allowed any unsupervised contact with dd whatsoever. You have to decide what you think is the best approach with your situation.

Either way, i am glad you are going to set firm boundries and protect your little one. :)

Edited for clarity.

[ArmsOfLove]

Can I simply say, "Ds is not to be spanked by you. He is our child and we will discipline him as we see fit. Please respect our wishes." Is that enough? That's basically what I would say and then if they try to argue with you you don't have to justify yourself. If they question you about it you can offer to get them some books or websites and you'll see quickly if they are interested in learning more. Ultimately you may have to simply ask if they can respect your wishes or not :shrug

[Radosny Matka]

:eek :eek :eek :eek :eek

I hope they respect your wishes. I imagine that they won't get any unsupervised time if they don't.

[Dizzy Blond]

Hi Tracey,

My mom was punitive, too. She said that she appreciated that she could count her mom to swat us when 'needed' to keep us safe. I was planning on just telling my mom "I don't spank dd. If you think that you need to, just know that dd won't understand this is discipline and you will ruin your relationship with her. Please do ____ if she does ____ and do ____ if she does ____. Can you do this?" If she argued with me, I'd say "you're the grandmother, I'm the mom ... be the grandmother" (or get my big brother to help me out in this). I live 3000 miles away from my mom, so I think she knows darn well that if she doesn't comply with my wishes, she won't see much of her granddaughter. So far, she has come to babysit when I've needed her, but she knows I'll figure something else out if she doesn't do as I ask.

[TraceMama]

Thanks for all the help and support. I'm just SO dreading the conversation. I'm going to get a lot of "so you think you're better than us" vibes, if not verbal confrontation. It's also going to be hard, because my sister and my brother (both of whom now have or are expecting children) will probably spank just like my parents did without even thinking about it. So, we'll definitely be the odd ones out.....but what else is new, huh?! : )

[Dizzy Blond]

:hug Tracey. I'm the odd one out in the family, too. My older brother seems to be the only one who really understands me (or tries to). My mom thinks that everything I do differently than her is a way of rebelling against her. :rolleyes Oh well, I'll just say "There is a lot of new material out and studies showing how parenting choices affect children that wasn't available in your day" if she says anything. Maybe if I approach it like she didn't have another choice because all the experts were punitive back then, she might lighten up on me.

[Vipers_Princess]

I think you need to first make sure you're not in denial and admit that she *will* spank and punish him unless you do something very firm with boundaries. And you may need to realize she's not going to be a safe person for watching him alone :( :hug :pray


agreed. I'd seriously reconsider letting her have any time alone with your dc....

[chelsea]

Wow, that is old-skool! I can remember always having to eat what was on my plate when growing up, it must be that generation! To this day, I have a problem with overeating...even if I can't stand a particular food I will eat every drop of it because otherwise I feel like I am being wasteful! Still trying to get over that whole way of thinking, and I will NEVER teach it to my son!
Anyways, I would definitely approach your parents about the discipline thing. Maybe they didn't think twice about punishing someone else's child because that's how they have always done it and they didn't realize it was wrong. A lot of people from the older generations "shared discipline" and it was an unspoken agreement that people could punish not only their own children, but whoever else's children they were looking after. :shrug Let them know that it is unnacceptable, and watch their reaction. It should give you a pretty good indication if they can be trusted.

[mrsramjet]

Maybe they didn't think twice about punishing someone else's child because that's how they have always done it and they didn't realize it was wrong. A lot of people from the older generations "shared discipline" and it was an unspoken agreement that people could punish not only their own children, but whoever else's children they were looking after. :shrug


i think ideally this would still be the case, just that everyone would be gentle with children!
i long for a group of people me and my children would be safe enough with that we would all be looking out for each other and each other's kids. that it would the 'tribe' idea spoken of in longing terms amongst many groups of people.
church should be that place.
*sigh*
it ain't and i am VERY choosey who i leave my kids with, and make sure they know EXACTLY what our guidelines are......