Just wanted to share something I learned here...

[4blessings]

And what a difference it's made.

I can't remember if I read it on this board or the old one, but I'm almost positive it was Crystal who said it. The discussion was about "forcing" a child to apologize (or something along those lines.) Crystal said that she works on having the "offender" ask the "offendee" (my words, not hers, LOL!) for forgiveness. I can't stand "forced" apologies, b/c I think they're meaningless. However, to have the child who has hurt another child ask for forgiveness is completely different. I was dubious at first, but after trying it for a while, I can't believe the difference it makes. I can see it in both children when one asks the other "Will you forgive me?" I see with my children that they have to put more thought and "heart" into asking "Will you forgive me?" "Sorry!" is easy to blurt out and not mean, but "Will you forgive me?"...well, it's just different. And it's different for the child who's been offended, too. It's easy to ignore a "Sorry!" or to shout back, "Yeah, well I don't forgive you!" But when someone genuinely asks for forgiveness, it seems to change the heart of both people. Am I making any sense?

Just today, my 3 y/o DD whacked my son really hard on the head :eek b/c he wouldn't relinquish a toy she wanted. My children almost never hit each other and I'm always so shocked when they do. Anyway, I followed Coloroso's "you hit, you sit" idea, mostly b/c I was so surprised and I needed time to think about what to do. After I talked to her about it, I could tell she was sorry so I said, "I think you need to ask your brother to forgive you." She walked right up to him, put her arm around him and said, "Can you forgive me for hitting you?" He had to think about it for a minute, LOL, but then his little face softened and he said, "Yes, I forgive you. And here, you can have the toy now." Awww... :heart

I also wanted to add something else that I learned a few years ago that was just eye opening to me. A very wise woman in my church told me that when she was a newlywed, she and her DH got in an argument. She realized she was wrong and she told her DH "I'm sorry." She said he told her, 'I forgive you" and she cried b/c no one had ever told her that before and it made such a difference to her. She said there was a big difference b/t being told "It's ok" and "I forgive you". Since then, I always say "I forgive you" in response to a heartfelt apology and I've taught my children to do the same. It's kind of cute b/c sometimes one of my children will say to another's apology, "I'm just not ready to forgive you yet." :)

[Katherine]

Thanks for sharing that! :heart

It's some great food for thought... I like that much better than asking them to say they are sorry. I say they need to "make it right" a lot, but then I have to try to show them how to do it and it feels like I'm forcing it sometimes. I really love the idea of letting THEM go and ask for forgiveness when they are ready. Very proactive on the child's part, and requiring more thought, like you said. :tu

[ArmsOfLove]

that's so awesome. Thank you for sharing that :) :heart

[chelsea]

That is so true! I have seen way too many kids angrily shouting "Sorry!" and not meaning a drop of it. Asking for forgiveness cuts through the shallow surface and straight to the heart. :heart

[Radosny Matka]

Wow! Thanks so much for sharing. I learned a few things!

[ArmsOfLove]

I posted this in another thread, but wanted to add it here too--it's basically what the old post included but from an email list I'm on I don't believe that "an
apology" should be considered "the right thing" to do. A forced apology is empty
and too many children I see toss of an "I'm sorry" and expect everything to
be okay now. No remorse, not even caring that what they did wronged someone.
I do not force my children to apologize. I actively teach them what an
apology is, when it's appropriate to say it, and the principle of "making
amends" as well as the equally if not more important concept of "forgiving". I
teach them that when you wrong someone you owe them a debt--that you can never
undo what you did but you can make amends and try to repair the damage you
caused. That might include saying "I'm sorry" when you are--it also might
include returning an item grabbed, gentle touches to replace harsh touches, kind
words to repair cruel ones, etc. When there's a conflict the offending child
is removed from the situation, explained what they did to owe the other
person a debt, and allowed to return when they are ready to make amends. I also
often have them ask the hurt person what they can do to help them feel
better. With my children right now this usually results in a round of "Ring Around
the Rosie" LOL Equally, if not more, important imo is teaching them to
forgive--to let go of that debt they are owed by another. So rather than an
empty "I'm sorry" my children are taught to say whatever they want to apologize,
combined with "Will you forgive me?" and *when the offended party is ready*
they release the offending part with, "I forgive you." I do talk to them
about holding onto hurt and the need to forgive for their own sake. I've been
amazed that ever very young children get the concept of "when you forgive them
you let it go and are friends again." We put a lot of emphasis here on
keeping relationship whole and in tact and they are very tight knit. Just thought
I'd offer out an alternative idea for approaching this issue.