Boundaries with Kids Punitive?!

[TraceMama]

I was just reading through the recommended books list and saw that "Boundaries with Kids" may be punitive in nature. Can anyone confirm or deny this? DH and I are signed up for "boundaries" workshop this weekend and since the original "Boundaries" book came so highly recommended, I thought the "kids" edition might be good. But, if it is indeed punitive-based, I might want to skip it entirely. Any thoughts or recommendations?!

[MarynMunchkins]

I did the book before I knew anything about GBD. It is, indeed, punitive. :( It's MUCH better than Ezzo/Pearl, but is a lot like Dobson. I'd skip it if you're likely to be influenced by the punitve stuff. :/

[Mother Duck]

I'm just reading the book ... and yes unfortunately it is written from a punitive mindset :(

[mrsramjet]

it's more adversarial.
us against them.
who's going to win.
kids will keep at you and at you until you give in.
that kind of thing.

some of their stuff might work well with teens, but i have given it big swerve now.
:smile

[TraceMama]

Thanks for info! Now I have to decide if I'm going to the workshop of not. Not looking forward to it if I do end up going.....ugh!

[ArmsOfLove]

"Boundaries", the regular one, is a book I highly recommend! I believe it does talk about spankings :( in the chapter on kids, and that is why I've never recommended the kid book. But "Boundaries" is an excellent book and teaches a lot--even non-Christians I've recommended the book to rave about it. I'd probably take the workshop if it's the general book :)

[mrsramjet]

i was flicking through the boundaries with kids book the other day and didn't see any mention of smacking/spanking. even to say for or against it.
i think they would see themselves as non punitive.
my humble opinion is that they are stuck in an adversarial paradigm with kids.

the adult books i have found very helpful.

[ShowersofBlessings]

I've read part (most) of the book for kids and thought it was actually pretty good. They do agree with spanking, but don't really promote it like other punitive authors do. I think that book was much better than Dobson's Strong-Willed Child. It may be seen as punitive/adversarial for young kids, but I think that it could actually work for older kids. (I wouldn't use it on my baby/toddler yet.)

I kind of look it at like Crystal's theory of protecting a young baby from all consequences to moving to an adult having to deal with all consequences. They are really big into natural/logical consequences and not forcing the parents or other family members to accept responsibility for a child's mistakes. One of the stories in the book deals with a teen who doesn't do his chores until he has been nagged several times. So the authors suggest that the parent reminds the teen of his responsibility and then allow the teen to accept responsibilty for getting the chore done without being reminded a dozen times by mom. If the work is not done then the teen suffers by not getting to go on a family outing.....

I also think that they did not really expect FIRST time obedience. They suggested that parents tell the teen the latest a chore can be done. (The garbage is picked up at a certain time on a certain day, so it needs to be taken out before then.) But then allow the child to do it in his own time frame (not necessarily when you think it should be done, or even right away....)

I would recommend it for parents of teens and preteens because it teaches the parents how to allow children to accept responsibility for their actions. Sometimes it is easier for parents to keep the responsibility themselves instead of teaching their children how to handle it.....

So if you do have to go, look at it in that light. It would not really apply to your dc yet, but someday it might be a good tool......

[DogwoodMama]

How Showers is describing it really reminds me of Coloros's "Kids Are Worth It"... she has similar ideas but is non-punities. I've read Boundaries, but not Boundaries for Kids, btw. :)

[DogwoodMama]

Okay, I just found out a friend from church and her dh are co-leading a Sunday School class going through this book. :scratch She *really* does not strike me as punitive, and I can't imagine her spanking her ds (same age as dd), so I'm sort of surprised by this. I'm really surpised, also, because what I have read here is that this book is more appropriate for pre-teen to teens, and my friends' have a 2 yo, and the other couple's oldest is 7. So I'm feeling kind of ehhhh about this. I'm wondering if I should read it so I can talk with my friend about it in case she asks me why I'm not doing the SS class with them? (it's geared to ummm, people like me apparently.)

[UltraMother]

The authors are punitive, but they refer to punishments as "negative discipline" to make them sound good. For instance, if your teen stays out too late, you should take away her phone privileges. I see nothing wrong with having a consequence for this type of situation, but the examples they give are punishments (something extra) and not consequences. There are better and worse books out there. :shrug

[DogwoodMama]

:think I don't think parents of teens would take this class, I get the feeling parents of toddlers would. Therein lies my concern. *sigh*.

[Mothering by Heart]

My moms group is going through the book right now. I don't like it at all. I get the feeling that the authors made up some of the scenarios that they present as real :/ And yes, it is punitive.

The chapter from last week talked about a mom and dad who were set for date night. the 3 yo starts crying when the babysitter comes and the mom says she can't leave. The dad gets mad and the authors say the child just needs to learn to deal with mom being gone.

[DogwoodMama]

:td How are you handling it, Amy? Are you saying anything or just sort of staying out of it? :hug I would considering doing the SS class since my friend is leading it, but honestly I'm afraid it would stress me out to much and that I wouldn't be able to be tactful (something I'm struggling with) if I really disagreed. :blush

[Mothering by Heart]

And there's the rub.

I do speak out :tu You would think I have three heads when I respond to some of these things. Saying I would never leave my kid crying in SS makes the moms who do defensive :sad2 That is not my intention, so finding the fine line between sharing and hurting is hard.

We had a discussion after reading a chapter and a mom was so conflicted because her 5 yo forgot to grab his lunch off the counter. The other moms said he should go hungry at school so he 'learns his lesson" I said, "Well, if I forgot my lunch, I would certainly go back for it."

A couple of moms said, "That's true" :think SO, I hope to get the wheels turning without being a turn-off.

Sorry if this is too OT :O

[mrsramjet]

I said, "Well, if I forgot my lunch, I would certainly go back for it."

that is such a great example of what i have realized about punitive parenting. good call.