My mornings are getting worse!

[Heather]

:( I just don't know what to do with Holden when he acts like he did this morning. I got them up plenty early enough to get ready for school. I gave him his clothes, asked him to go potty and then come back and change. He went in the bathroom and I went to check to pack bookbags. Well - after about 5 minutes I still didn't hear anything out of him, I went to check - he was making faces in the mirror in the bathroom. I asked him if he had used the potty, he said no - so I asked him if he could do it alone or if I needed to help him... he screamed "NO!" (This NO! thing is really starting to grate on my nerves lately) He told me to close the door. So I stepped out and stood by the door. After about a minute, no "potty" sounds, I went back in, "NO!" he screams again... :rolleyes I reminded him not to yell at me, because it hurts my feelings - and I then asked him if he could get ready as fast as Dash (the boy from the movie "Incredibles"). He got excited and said yes. Buzzer went off on the oven, I went to get the bread out.

He ran into the kitchen in a minute, still not ready. I told him he needed to go get dressed like Dash too. Off he went. 5 minutes later, I found him in the living room laying on the couch - still no clothes. I asked him if he could get dressed alone or if I needed to help him, he said "I need my privacy, I will do it by myself!!!"

So I went out to check on Angela - she had already gotten dressed, and brushed her hair. I got her breakfast for her.

Went back to check on Holden - still nothing - I told him I was going to help him. He runs from me. This big old pregnant body barely caught him and tried the bear hug- he was kicking and wailing so badly that I couldn't hold him without getting hurt. So I started helping him get dressed I tried to take his shirt off and he went limp and started throwing a fit. This knocked me over. I told him that we had to get ready now - we were going to be late.

And this went on for what seemed like forever. Every time I told him we needed to do something - he would SCREAM at the top of his lungs "NO!" and run. I try not to respond to these screams because it just makes it worse. Finally I got him dressed, and drove them to the bus stop. He didn't have time to eat so I took his food for him to eat in the van. He didn't like eating in the van but I reminded him that tomorrow we should get ready faster so we can eat at home.

When the bus ran, he gave me a hug and a kiss and said - Mommy I'm sorry I didn't listen this morning. :shrug

What should I do? We seem to get into a cycle of this all the time. I just don't know what to do. I'm really trying to concentrate on NOT being punitive and remaining calm because it gets so frustrating for me and it is quite a challenge to keep my calm. Help! :banghead

[MarynMunchkins]

Doug's not a morning person either. :) :hug

Does he have his own alarm clock? That helped Doug feel like he was more in control of waking up in the morning and going.

:tu on the Dash thing! I might have to steal that idea. ;)

Oh, and I don't argue about clothes. Doug knows how to get dressed and can do it himself. If he doesn't want to do it, I'll take him to school in pajamas. It doesn't matter one way or the other to me. :) He usually votes for getting dressed. :P

[Heather]

Yeah - I thought about sending him to school in pj's but because he likes to sleep in boxers and a tshirt - not really an option. :)

I would put an alarm clock in his room but Alex sleeps in there - and gets scared pretty easy. Alex normally sleeps later than him.

[wuzzie]

He's manipulating you. Not in the bad I am going to be a bratty kid way, but in the if I tell her I need my "privacy" she will go away and I can do what I want way. While making it fun is certainly helpful, you should start with that and if it isn't working go to the 5 steps. You are letting him get away with it by asking so maky times and giving him so many chances. And it may seem like things will go faster if you can just ask him to get gressed on his own, but it really isn't working. I would say that first thing when you wake up you get him dressed. Something alomg the lines of "Good morning son. How did you sleep....Do you need to go potty? OK, here are your clothes, let's get dressed like Dash first, OK? Here you go." and you STAY there and make sure it gets done. Or maybe step right outside the door and wait. And then if doesn't get done then youhelp him. What used to take 20 minutes, now takes 2 and you can move on to other things.

[Heather]

Yeah, helping him would work... but it seems to make things worse. He winds up throwing a fit screaming and flailing - I cannot restrain him. I am pregnant and achey - and I don't want to get kicked/hit in the stomach.

I have tried staying with him and the same thing happens - he screams and throws an absolute fit. I feel like I am an absolute failure with him at times. The only thing that has worked so far is incentives like telling him he can pick what kind of jelly he wants, etc. - or making it fun and silly.

:shrug - anyone? please help me!

[MarynMunchkins]

Honestly, I'd still take him to school in the boxer and t-shirt. I'd bring clothes in the car, and let him change there if he wants too. You have to leave for school. :shrug How he wants to handle it is up to him, and 6 is old enough to realize that kicking and hitting mom aren't okay.

What about an alarm clock with a light? Like those for the deaf/hearing impaired? :think

:hug Leaving in the morning drives me nuts too. I LOVE summer vacation! ;)

[Katherine]

Could he articulate for you why he's having such a hard time? Is he still sleepy/groggy and just slow at "waking up"? Does he really crave that alone time in the morning.. is he an introvert? Is he nervous or worried about going to school? Does the process of getting ready stress him out... what's the hardest thing about getting ready in the morning? How much is your pg. affecting him? Is it possible he's getting frustrated by your decreased ability to help him and do things with him, or just upset in ways he can't explain about the obvious changes to your body and the impending changes to your family? How much has he talked about it to you?

Would doing almost everything at night (having HIM do it) help things? For instance, he packs his own bookpack with your supervision, picks out clothes and lays them out, etc. He could have a checklist of things to be done in the morning, and have a certain amount of time to accomplish his goals before you step in, or you could schedule some "private time" into his morning... wake him a little earlier and tell him "it's your private time now. Do whatever you want. I'll set the timer, and when it goes off, you have 20 min. to potty and get dressed before I will come to help you." When you discuss these impending changes with him and let him know he can elect to have some planned private time in the morning, you can also let him know this will require going to bed and getting up a few minutes earlier to allow for it.

My thoughts are coming from a place of being a rather slow, methodical type of person. I get side-tracked easily and I HATE being rushed. That's why I'm wondering about his personality and stress level in relation to "getting going."

Here's another thought: I was thinking to myself "What would happen if he just didn't get to go to school one day? If you kept him at home... no tv or toys, but he could be allowed to help with chores or read books or do homework... maybe 1/2 an hour of outside play just like recess... then back inside." Then I figured that was pretty extreme.. maybe even a bit punitive, and it would be very stressful for you to enforce... so my next thought was the positive flip side of that scenario.

What would happen if you let him take a day off just to spend time with you (or plan it on a Saturday) do fun things, bond, get ice cream, go to the park, talk about what he's struggling with, talk about his concerns with the new baby, and spend some extra time with him.. Maybe you could share with him some of YOUR struggles and how you're feeling.. how wonderfully helpful it is when he takes care of his duties and gets himself ready.. etc. You could let him know that going to school in not optional, and tell him what you need from him and ask him for suggestions on how you can help him to accomplish that.

[ArmsOfLove]

Okay . . . this is coming from me not at all being a morning person and feeling for him ;) I'm also terrible at routines and tend to get easily distracted.

If he sleeps in boxers and a t-shirt I'd let it be the t-shirt he wears to school. The night before help him put out pants and anything else he needs to weear right next to the bed and teach him to get dressed as he's getting out of bed. Then it's time to stop at the toilet and get some relief ;) Move right to the sink and brush teeth and then off to the bathroom. This process can literally take less than 10 minutes and I'd explain we're going to learn a new routine together and do it with him until he is able to do it all with you standing back and not participating. After he's ready it's breakfast time and let him know he'll have more time to dawdle over breakfast with this routine :)

[Heather]

I've been having a very bad day or so... I am just at the end of my rope. Everything I ask Holden to do - he does the opposite.

But - to answer some of the questions - I don't think it is an issue with him not being a morning person or not being awake. By the time his eyes open he is talking 20 miles a minute and running all over the place. I don't have a problem getting him out of bed -just really getting him to get ready.

We pack up everything the night before and lay out clothes - all he has to do is potty - get dressed - eat & brush teeth. That's it! I asked him why he was having a hard time in the mornings and he told me it was because he doesn't like me. :shrug I've tried getting up earlier so that he has some private time or alone time - but that makes it even harder. He doesn't want it to stop.

I told him this morning that if he didn't get dressed that he would have to wear his pajamas to school - he thought this was cool! Plus - I couldn't really do that b/c he has night time accidents and wears boxers that are night time diapes made to look like boxers. I can't let him sleep in the t-shirt he is wearing to school b/c sometimes his diaper leaks and his shirt gets wet. As far as "special days" for just me and him - we do it all the time. He has special days with Daddy too.

:shrug - I just don't know. For example - I'm feeling short tempered with him today - so I'm getting a "time out" at the computer right now. So - he is refusing to use the potty before bed - he had an accident because he refused to go potty earlier. The underwear he had a pooped in was then smeared on the floor because he got mad. We told him he needed to finish going potty and then clean up the mess. He started screaming. I went through the five steps with him and held him in a bear hug for 15 minutes. With him kicking and screaming - I just couldn't handle him anymore. So - DH stepped in to give me my time out. That was 30 minutes ago - and we can't get him to listen. Right now he is screaming "NO!" that he is not going to get ready and he is not going to bed and he is not cleaning up his mess. I have tried being silly, being empathetic, being stern, etc. I honestly don't know how long I can keep dh convinced that GBD is going to work. Because right now - it's not.

Anyone?

[ArmsOfLove]

Okay, you are really describing some over the top things that I would absolutely never tolerate from a 6 yo. Does he have any special issues? How long has he been like this? Was he behaving this way before you stopped punishing? This is not a result of GBD--and we can figure this out--and it's not okay! Keep working with me, here, I need to get a better picture of things. Also, what does his typical day consist of and how does he do on weekends when he doesn't have school? Oh, and have you explored dairy allergies with him? Dairy allergy can lead to nighttime wetting and aggressive behavior so I'm curious about this in conjunction with the other questions. thanks.

[Heather]

Holden has always been my special kiddo... I know that this is not caused by GBD - I'm just kinda running out of answers here. He is very bright and actually advanced in all levels of education (he is in public school) - he has some speech delays which are almost resolved - he has always had severe issues with bladder control and occasional problems with constipation leading to soiled pants. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, he has asthma. Ummm... that's about it.

I always refused meds for him but finally came to a breaking point and put him on meds. Things improved dramatically, I still don't like meds and have tried taking him off during school breaks - and things get worse fast. So - he is still on meds for the ADHD.

Holden has had these issues for quite awhile. Long before I started GBD. I found GBD while searching for help with him on the internet. (PRAISE THE LORD!)

Here is a typical school day for Holden - Wake up 6:30 - fight with me over everything from potty to even not liking the clothes HE picked out. Finally getting him done and at the bus stop at 8:00am. He goes to school where I get great reports from his teacher and he seems to NEVER get in trouble there. He loves his teacher and does great. 3:30 he gets off the bus I meet him there and we go home. He wants a snack - he gets a VERY small snack & juice b/c otherwise he will not eat supper. He loves his homework so he normally pulls this out and starts it on his own. He doesn't want my help with homework unless he gets stumped on something. Sometimes I will sit with him just to keep him company (Angela does her homework beside me at the same time)

After homework I start getting supper ready. Sometimes DH will take them to ride their bikes and sometimes they play in the back yard with DH. If it rains they normally just play inside. Then supper is ready - luckily, b/c of advice here - we RARELY get any complaints from Holden at suppertime where this used to be one of the worst parts of the day. After supper I try to get the kids to alternate who helps with dishes, but sometimes - I just let the dishes wait. My parents live next door and normally the kids want to go visit and get desert with them. After this we either play outside some more or just hang out. I give a 10 minute warning that it is time to get ready for bed.

Bedtime routine - Lay out clothes for tomorrow, get bookbag & etc ready for tomorrow, bath, pjs, brush teeth, read stories, pray and bed time. He normally goes to bed around 8 or 8:30.

Now - this would be a perfect day with no problems, but I don't remember it happening. Holden has meltdowns constantly over anything. It could be that his favorite pajamas are in the wash or it could be that he wants to do his homework at grandmas. I'll give an example of his fits for the past 2 days.

Yesterday - just didnt' want to get ready for school (at the beginning of this post) He finally got ready and we barely made it in time for the bus. After school - he came in and did all his homework for the rest of the week. As I started supper I told them that we could go outside after they picked up their things (bookbags, jackets, etc.) I reminded him once - but I didn't push the issue, if he didnt' want to go outside - oh well. He finally did pick the stuff up, so we went outside. (supper was ready so I went out too) I told them that we could only stay out for 20 minutes and then we would have to eat supper - after supper we would go outside if we had time (again he is a slow eater - this helps him finish sooner) When it was time to go in, he got mad - threw his bicycle helmet at me and started throwing a fit. I again said "it is time to go inside now, after we eat we might come out later" Didn't work - he threw himself on the driveway and screamed louder. I asked him if he needed my help - still screaming. I told him I was going to help him - starts flailing & kicking. I did the bear hug - this continued for 10 minutes until I simply asked my husband to help him inside (carry him). DH started to pick him up and he got worse. When inside we put him in our "cuddle corner" I sat with him. He was still throwing a fit. So - not knowing what else to do - I just started talking - I talked about everything from "why do toenails grow" to "when will we get to pick mulberries off of our bush" Nothing - finally I said supper was running late and said I needed to set the table - He stopped crying and calmly said "Mommy - can I put the silverware on the table?" I said it would be a great idea, and off he went. While he was setting the table, he said "I'm sorry I was grumpy - I love you mommy" :eek :shrug We ate supper and all was calm until time for bed. Same cycle of a LONG fit because he didn't want to use the bathroom. After we resolved this - we told him it was bedtime - he started crying that he was hungry. So we offered him 1/2 of a bananna - he ate it and we finally got him in bed. He was back up 8 times asking for various things from water to a hug. We gave no water but did give him a hug. Told him it was bedtime, not to get up again. Finally after the 8th time he went to sleep.

Today - Woke up - same fight about not getting ready - but not quite as long as yesterday. I lost my cool and screamed at him to listen :( Apologized and told him he had to listen because we were running short on time because of the long time getting dressed. Gave him breakfast and told him he was responsible for eating b/c I had to get the babies dressed (they had an early therapy appointment) He ate really fast and came to help get the babies ready. He helped get them dressed and then even helped put them in the van. (Angela was helping too) We all went to the bus stop where he told me how much he loved me and thanked me for the yummy breakfast. Big hug and he was on the bus. After school - he started crying that he wanted to go to grandmommys. I told him that he needed an invitation - We got home and b/c he did all of his homework yesterday - he had none. I started Angela on her homework and found him watching TV. I reminded him that we don't watch TV unless we have our chores done, and turned it off. He started to scream but luckily wound up saying "Ooooookayyyyyyyy"

He decided to read some books - so I sat with him and I read 4 books to him. By this time Angela was done with homework. So - we all went and played in the back yard while DH grilled our supper. We came in, ate supper and then went back out to play (we can't get enough of this 80 degree weather!) They rode bides, and Holden came in without a problem this time. When he came in he said he was hungry - I offered him some of the potatos from supper - he said no. This is when we started bed time routine... we only do baths every other day, so no bath tonight. This is when the fit I described earlier happened.

Thank you Crystal for your help... any advice you can give would be great!

[fourbygrace]

Heather,
:hug

I was thinking along the lines of what Crystal said in regard to food allergies or sensitivities. She mentioned dairy. My just turned 7 year old is allergic/ VERY sensitive to corn syrup and this causes his behavior to plummet into total lack of control. He screams, hits, and is uncooperative. I have noticed that it affects me too. One glass of Sprite and I am irritable and crabby the next day. Corn syrup is in everything imaginable. It is very hard to avoid, but we have really been working on it for the last 6 months. This means no more Mc Donald's because they have CS in their hamburger buns, but my son is now very careful about avoiding it (even though it is hard) because it makes him feel so much better.

Have you heard of the Feingold Program? Here is the web address: www.feingold.org This has helped many children with ADHD and other behavior issues. We have tried this program, fallen off of it and then back on it again.

I know some people think that food cannot affect people in negative ways, but I am sure it does in both my son and myself! Personallly, I think it is worth trying to see if it makes a difference.

Praying for you.

Blessings,
Mary

[Heather]

Yes, I'm looking into food sensitivities - but this is what confuses me. I know diet can affect people. But, Holden can be very set in his ways with his foods - so he often eats the same things. And so far, I can have one good day with him, and one horrible day the next. Even if he has eaten the same foods. :shrug - I don't know.

Anyway, I just got him off to the bus stop. He was very slow going this morning, but not bad at all. I did a few things different. I asked him to get dressed quickly because I needed his help. He kept asking what it was, but I just told him to hurry up because only he could be my helper for this task. Well, after he got dressed - I had him take the trash outside for me. It was a small bag... but he did it with pride and then ate afterwards. No - the morning was not seamless, but it went much better with no fights. :) :clap

[Katherine]

Wish I had some great advice to give, but mostly just hugs! :hug

I am reminded of the description of a tantrum in The Explosive Child... the author goes into great detail about the stages of emotion that happen before a meltdown starts, and focuses a lot on learning to read the signs and intervene before a child is past the point of no return. You may already be familiar with the book... I'm re-reading it now b/c my dh and ds are both prone to meltdowns.

My 3.5 had shown a lot of improvement with diet changes. Our struggles with pooping all over the place ended like magic, his eczema has improved, etc. We are still transitioning, and not totally consistent yet, but I hope to continue seeing good results.

Hope you get some helpful suggestions. Honestly, it sounds like you are working so hard and really doing a lot of good things. :heart

The thing that really jumped out at me from your post was the difference b/t school and home. :think It seems significant that he is cooperative at school and about doing school-related things like homework. I'm not sure what to make of it, though. Maybe he's extrememly intelligent and very bored/frustrated with the mundane parts of life...? I dunno.

Hope things get better!

[Quietspirit]

(((hugs)))

His behavior sounds very typical for an ADHD child. Could a med adjustment be needed?

Also, a great book I've used often is called "The Difficult CHild" by Turecki. It has lots of practical helpful way to parent a child who is prone to tantrums, sensitivities, and difficulties.

[ArmsOfLove]

Also, "Living With the Active Alert Child" by Linda S. Budd, PhD. We've adapted a few of the tools she offers into GBD tools, but lots of great ideas and helps understand kids like me ;)

But, Holden can be very set in his ways with his foods - so he often eats the same things. Classic sign of food allergies. After a few days of elimination children often start eating all sorts of things.

And so far, I can have one good day with him, and one horrible day the next. Even if he has eaten the same foods. - I don't know.
Yep--very normal. Although, after discovering and eliminating the culprit(s) you will probably find that what used to be your good days are not your bad days ;)

Also, another reason to suspect dairy is the asthma. Many people find that asthma goes away, or at least drastically improves, with giving up dairy. Also, corn can be a big thing and I've heard that lots of adhd dx children improve greatly when taken off of corn.

[Heather]

Okay - I'm still looking into the food allergies - but still not sure how to start. I have severe allergies to fish and mild allergies to meat. And quite a few others. I remember that when they were trying to pinpoint what meats I was allergic to they took me off all meats for 1 week and each week introduced a new one. :shrug

So - milk/dairy is in SO many things. Correct me if I'm wrong here.... Milk, cheese, cream, yogurt, ice cream.... What else? Aren't most breads made with some milk? What about using milk in cooking? How do I keep milk away from him at school?

Too many questions I know... anyone? Any good places to start?

[ArmsOfLove]

Milk is in a lot of things :( Can you send him with lunches? There are lists of all the hidden names of dairy and lots of help several of us can give you if you want to try cutting it out.