I never knew what a can of worms I was opening...

[This Busy Mom]

by taking a non spanking stance and being a Christian... because my very devote Christian grandmother NEVER spanked me... what is up with people? Am I dense or is it really that big of a deal to not want to spank my kids??? Yes! I'm frustrated. I had to actually print out a bunch of stuff from Crystal's site about spanking and scripture tonight for my dh... I guess it's good he's willing to look? But... why did I have to PROVE it to him? He had to see it. He was totally stuck on "spare the rod, spoil the child." I didn't even want to get stuck on the whole spanking thing or make it such a huge issue.

So... here I am with a really difficult kid and inlaws and a dh who think spanking would fix him... and on the opposite end of the spectrum my mom who thinks the kids should just go to her house so they can do whatever they feel like whenever they feel like it....

We've been having trouble with my 9 yo managing anger... and he's very good at reflecting it on his stepdad (who gets really fired up without realizing what happened). The more I read (like I'm reading Ross Campbell's Kids in Danger ) the more I realize how harmful spanking or punitive parenting is to kids with emotional issues. I said something this morning about something I read the other day (and it made so much sense). Spanking and punitive parenting suppress anger in kids and it has to come out somehow... that statement made my dh livid and he left. I really wasn't trying to push buttons :( .

My dh goes about nuts when the kids are being loud and he can't handle it... they aren't doing anything wrong... just being kids. is this because he wasn't allowed to show big emotions when he was growing up? According to his mom he and his sister fought all the time but you wouldn't think so now with the way they are trying to parent.

Anyways... I feel we are emotionally out of control right now. Ugh...

[Sara]

:hug

[ArmsOfLove]

:hug I'm so sorry. You're in such a tough situation :( :heart

[shilohmm]

(((((Christa))))))

I honestly think with some people, being spanked conditions the brain and body somehow. It is so imperative that a little child believe "mom and dad love me" that when mom and dad spank - particularly when mom and dad tell the child they spank because they love - the child HAS to believe it. I don't think all people absolutely respond this way - but I do think a lot of kids do. Even as adults, there's something inside telling them they MUST believe this, or their world will fall apart. And there's a sense where they're right - admitting their parents acted in an unloving way will destroy their understand of reality. It can be a huge shift for many.

I believed as a teenager that spanking was wrong and I would never do it, but I still fell for the argument that spanking was Biblical, and it took years of study to break that barrier. If someone has always believed that spanking is right... well, it has to be even harder for them to change than it was for me. :(

Ross Campbell's Relational Parenting is also good. ;) And maybe you could take the pressure off the spanking issue by doing a Bible study on grace with your husband -? I find a lot of spanking parents who have the "spare the rod, spoil the child" have a somewhat skewed view of grace - once they realize how truly deep God's grace goes, they can relax a little about their "responsibility" :rolleyes to beat the child into submission.

:hug

Sheryl

[This Busy Mom]

Yeah, well... it's not the first time. God has a plan for this... it's just not apparent what it is yet. Stuff happens to me for a reason. :P

Right after I sent that in, I made a promise between my dh and I (I, Christa S. promise I will never leave my hubby unless he becomes verbally or physically abusive to my children...), and he promised back to me that he would try his hardest to work on it (not his exact words... but it means a LOT).

I figure the enemy is trying to get to me. I have a bunch of family coming to church... including my ex dh... to see the kids choir program. I can see how he wants to cause problems.

[mommyTay]

:hug glad to hear about the commitment! :tu :pray

[This Busy Mom]

And maybe you could take the pressure off the spanking issue by doing a Bible study on grace with your husband -? I find a lot of spanking parents who have the "spare the rod, spoil the child" have a somewhat skewed view of grace - once they realize how truly deep God's grace goes, they can relax a little about their "responsibility" rolleyes to beat the child into submission.

I think this is true about grace. I understand grace... and unconditional love. I never knew what that was UNTIL I became a christian... now, I'm supposed to teach my kids that I only love them when they are behaving like adults?? It's gotten so hostile around here that i've been a step away from leaving. But, I know my dh and I really like each other. We're responding negatively to what's going on with my son and until we can get on the same page discipline wise we're going to be playing tug of war with each other.

Our elder at church and his wife want to do a marriage bible study with us. We're probably going to start this next week. I'll have to ask her the author again, but I trust her opinion (she picked it).

[This Busy Mom]

glad to hear about the commitment!

you posted as I was typing... whahahaha... I have a book for you guys when I'm done with it.

[Peepsqueak]

I used to pose this question to my parents. They said Martin Luther King was for nonviolence. Does this include spanking or hitting children?

[MarynMunchkins]

Ephesians is a great place to start if you want to learn about grace. :) And my dh is a lot more open to reading the Bible than a parenting book.

:hug I'm struggling with dh right now too.

[This Busy Mom]

I'm going to ask if we can all do a grace study together. We just had another wonderful dad at church who homeschools give my dh some good advice (although... you know... a good paddling never hurt him any :rolleyes... I told him that his pediatrician said it wouldn't do a bit of good, so I don't even want to go there). Over all, he was giving my dh some good ideas... he's also very, very involved with boy scouts so he's got a lot of time handling boys in a positive way.