Thoughts on keeping children by you at all times...

[4blessings]

I think some refer to this as "Tomato Staking". What are you thoughts on this? Does this have a place in GBD? I don't keep my children within my sight all day long. I'm with them a lot, and they're almost always within earshot. If they're not, I'm checking on them constantly. I can let my children play alone upstairs for a few minutes without fearing that they're going to destroy their rooms. When we're all playing outside, I let them come inside to get a drink (even my 3 y/o), and know that they'll get the drink and come right back out without pulling everything out of the fridge.

In theory, I think it sounds like a good idea, and I do keep a very close eye on my children. However, I want to be able to trust my children when they are out of my sight, too. If I keep them within an arm's reach 100% of the time, how do I ever learn to trust them? I have also observed that children who are TS have more of a tendency to really flip out (behaviorially) when they get out of mom's sight. Why is this? Maybe it's not so much a result of never being out of mom's sight as much as it's a result of that uber-punitive parenting style that tends to go along with TS. You know, the relationship is more adversarial. Kids behave when mom is watching but once she turns her back and they know she can't see, they let loose. Is it that once the threat of punishment is gone, they don't know how to act? Is it that they're controlled by force rather than developing self-control? I don't know. I'm kind of talking out loud and I'm really getting away from my initial question.

Any thoughts?

[ArmsOfLove]

You're on the right path with your thinking :tu

As for Tomato Staking--there are elements of it that I believe have a place in GBD, but the practice is punitive because of what motivates it. The idea behind TS is "Because I can't trust you I am going to keep you with me at all times" and the purpose for it is to administer punishments immediately and as often as necessary to stop the behavior. And, as you observed, once out of mom's sight the child usually does the behavior anyway--or even worse. And that is because they have been trained to rely solely on external control and have not developed internal control at all (or not enough).

I love to have my children with me--it makes it easier to model appropriate behavior for them and to teach and correct them in their behavior. It builds relationship and if your purpose isn't to "administer immediate justice" then it's a great practice. I don't call it Tomato Staking because of the strong connotations that idea has :(

I would suggest that TS is a fabricated attachment where the attachment was broken early in the child's life through detached parenting practice. Because the child was shoved away, locked away, kept away they now need to be tied next to you to correct bad behaviors that might not be a problem if the child wasn't detached :( In an ap home it's going to look a lot different to have a child spend more time with you so that you can keep them successful rather than so that you can catch them being unsuccessful.

[4blessings]

I would suggest that TS is a fabricated attachment where the attachment was broken early in the child's life through detached parenting practice. Because the child was shoved away, locked away, kept away they now need to be tied next to you to correct bad behaviors that might not be a problem if the child wasn't detached

Ahhh...that makes a lot of sense.

I think it's the motive behind TSing that bugs me. It's the implied (and often spoken) message that "I can't let you out of my sight b/c I don't trust you." :(

Like you, I love having my children with me. But there are times when they play in a room away from me. They also play in our fenced (with locked gates) backyard while I'm cleaning the kitchen. I can keep an eye on them through the window, but I don't feel like I have to be right beside them to ensure that they're behaving appropriately. It's not that they never make a bad choice when I'm not with them, but in general, they know the boundaries and they respsect them.

Thanks for your thoughts, Crystal. As usual, very interesting. :)

[Katigre]

I always thought the concept of TS was to keep your children near you to teach them better so they could see appropriate behavior modeled and issues could be dealt with at the beginning before they escalate (i.e., if i have my 3 year old and 5 year old both helping me cook and they start fighting over something, i can help them resolve the conflict right away instead of me not knowing about it until it's escalated too much).

I never saw it as punitive, though if you're using it from the mindset of 'punish right away' vs. 'be there to mentor' it could be. I also thought it was just something you did as needed/with your kids (especially when younger) and not something you had to do full-time with each child until they were adults. Just a 'tool in the tool box' type of idea.

(I.e., if my 4 year old was really struggling with sharing i wouldn't leave him to play with his siblings along b/c that's setting her up for failure and fighting among them is inevitable. But if i play with her and the siblings i can help model appropriate behavior and teach her to share gently without the 'mom as referree coming to break up the fight and dole out punishment b/c you didn't do it right' aspect.)

Does that make sense? i can see the concept of TS as being either positive or negative depending on the mindset behind it and how it is used.

[mom2threePKs]

Great explanation, Tsunadae! I love your example of children learning to share. That is the spirit of GBD in a verypractical example!

When my DD3 was between 18mos and 2 years I knew that I literally couldn't let her out of my sight or she would find someway to get into something I hadn't thought to childproofed. It just wasn't safe to leave her alone. Was she TS? You bet!! But only because tht is what we both needed to stay safe and sane. But it certainly wasn't so I could punish at the first sight of trouble! Reminding, redirecting and modeling teaches so tht by the time she was developmentally ready to be more on her own she had a better understanding of our boundaries.

Magan