At my witsend and desperate!

[Gentle Journey]

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[ArmsOfLove]

:hug and I'm glad you're here! Grace-Based Discipline is an entire paradigm shift for approaching children. I'd encourage you to check out my website at http://www.aolff.org and read some of the articles there about what GBD is. It won't make a 3.5 yo stop being 3.5 (and I would also encourage you to check out "Your Three Year Old" by Ames and Ilg--most libraries carry it or can get it interlibrary loan) and read what is normal for this age.

We've got a good start on some archives here but I know a lot of issue are missing. . . the best way to take advantage of this forum is to post specific issues you're facing and we'll share how we've dealt with it or help you brainstorm solutions for what might work in your home :)

[Danette]

:hug I'm sending hugs because I find that I have the hardest time raising 3 year olds. It's been the most difficult year with all of my children. Most behaviors that I found really hard to deal with were outgrown by 4 or 4 1/2. Yet you need to have a plan and stay consistent through this year. Crystal suggested that you give some specific examples of what goes on in your home and then we can help you brainstorm. I always find it encouraging to see how other moms handle certain situations.

[MarynMunchkins]

Yes, 3.5 is hard. I think it's my least favorite age so far. :(

:hug It gets better, and this board has far better advice that TTUAC. :tu

[Gentle Journey]

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[ArmsOfLove]

Honestly from what you're saying you have two normal children who are doing exactly what I'd expect from kids their ages. Ames and Ilg have a great series of books called "Your One Year Old" all the way up to 10. I ignore the discipline ideas after age 3 ;) but the lists of developmentally age appropriate behaviors are great!

When a child says "I can't" they aren't necessarily saying "I lack the knowledge or skill to do this." They are sometimes saying "I lack the maturity to do this without your help." The crying and whining and neediness sugges to me that she's overwhelmed at those times. I would suggest checking out The Five Steps sticky at the top of this forum. And "help" really does mean help :)

For the 18 month old it's his job to explore--that's how God designed him. So it's best to create a safe place where he can explore. Child proof the house by putting away stuff you don't want broken or that isn't safe for him and gate off rooms where he can't go, then teach him how *to* explore his world safely. Often they are capable of much more than we allow ;)

[MarynMunchkins]

It really does sound normal. :hug Read the 5 steps, and help. It seems like a lot more work, but I've actually found that it usually less. My kids understand that I will help them when they need it, and trust me to respond. :)

[LoveToReadMommy]

Hang in there, your children are normal! I wanted to add that I chose to *wait* awhile before officially starting "homeschooling" because my dd's aren't emotionally ready for a sit down lesson time. We're trying to function in normal life, with learning GBD, etc. and don't need anymore stress! We read a lot, play outside, and have games/crafts/learning materials accessible at all times, and they both have learned how to write their letters, and stuff, without "lessons". I feel like I need to focus on our relationship, and changing myself before I'm ready to tackle anymore issues, like listening to mom "teach".

I just don't want you to get completely stressed out, you have two young kids at hard ages. :hug

[Gentle Journey]

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[MarynMunchkins]

My dd has that ear-piercing shriek. :rolleyes And we're in an apartment! ;)

We do a lot of reflecting feelings and reminding what is appropriate. For example, this morning she was screaming because I told her to put on her tennis shoes instead of sandals to play outside.

"I know you are upset. You want to wear your sandals."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"Stop. Screaming hurts my ears, and it's not okay to do inside. If you're angry, use your words to tell me. Say "I'm angry because I want to wear my sandals."

*sob* "I'm angry because I want to wear my sandals." :mad

"I know you are angry."

"I don't want to wear tennis shoes. They're stupid."

"Yes, your princess sandals are pretty. They'll get wet and dirty because the grass is wet. Your feet will be cold."

"I want to go outside."

"Do you want me to help you put on your tennis shoes?"

"Ok!" *runs off happily*

:wow Fun, huh? It drives me nuts too. :P FWIW, we also discovered she has a dairy allergy, and forbidden foods make the screaming and tantrums 100 times worse.

As far as your ds goes, you are teaching that stuff isn't okay when you remove and redirect him. If he doesn't get the chance to do it, he gets the message it isn't allowed. :)

[Katherine]

Mary pretty much said what I was going to say, so I'll just say ditto on reflecting feelings (if you haven't heard a lot about this, tell us and we'll give you some examples or find some threads for you to read) and the food allergies. We just confirmed this morning that my ds is allergic to EVERY kind of nut imaginable, and I believe he is sensitive to other things like perhaps dairy. We are in the process of transitioning to a vegan diet, and the eczema he's had his whole life has been dramatically better... UNTIL this weekend. He ate some dairy/egg stuff at his Nana'a house, and it flared up again. :( Coincidence? I think not. ok.. sorry.. getting off topic. But seriously... check into the food allergy possibility!

Also wanted to add another voice to reassure you that you are not the only one dealing with the screaming/shrieking behavior. You could easily have been describing my boys, who are the exact same ages. One thing that has helped with my 3yo is using "Try again" and giving him an opportunity to restate his feeling or request without the screaming or whining. You have to elaborate when you first start doing this. "Try again--use words instead of screaming to say what you want." And sometimes you have to demonstrate the proper tone or suggest the wording and then prompt them to say it. Sometimes--especially when it's new--it takes several tries to get it "right." I will also let him know that I AM listening to him but I don't understand him when he is whining/crying. I remind him OFTEN to use his "normal" voice... sometimes if he's upset I end up following every phrase by quietly reminding him "normal voice." He'll quiet down a bit, get a few more words out, and then escalate to a shriek again... "normal voice." etc. etc.

The other thing that is a HUGE factor in our house right now is the relative ages of the boys. ds1 was starting to make progress with the screaming until ds2 got big enough to be territorial, have his own opinion, compete for toys and space, etc. Once they started interacting in a "play" sense, we had a major setback. I still try to "coach" ds1 to use words instead of his body with little brother... to ask nicely for a toy back, etc. It's hard when little brother doesn't have near the same level of verbal skill OR emotional maturity. (not that it feels like 3.5 is emotionally mature :wow :lol) I have started working with my younger son, too, using the same phrases I say to the older one, and giving him one-word responses to substitue for his screams. "L. use a normal voice. Tell C. 'back'" or "L. quiet your voice [demonstrating with my own tone]. Say 'juice please'"

What book do you reccomend that specifically tells you what to do when a child is misbehaving and what to do if that doesn't work.

This struck a chord with me b/c I was looking for *specific* answers for discipline problems when my ds was young, and it opened the door for me to get sucked into some very punitive, destructive parenting, mainly TTUAC. On one hand, you can and probably will get a lot of great, specific suggestions from the ladies on this board. (This is the best resource I've found for specific situational help) On the other hand, there is no magic bullet or a neat, organized list that will equip us as parents to handle each and every situation that arises with our kids. Emotional, mental, and spiritual health develop in much the same way as physical health. There are no real shortcuts or quick "fix-it" approaches that are good for us in the long run... it's time-consuming, demanding, and often complex. I think if you post more situations, you'll get some great responses here, but also know that there's not always an answer that is BOTH easy and healthy.

I am glad you're here, too! :hug The ladies on this board have been such a source of encouragement and learning for me... I hope you will find the same support and guidance that I have! :heart

[Gentle Journey]

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[ArmsOfLove]

One caution--I try to avoid the idea of "you made" or "he made" when it comes to feelings. I believe in teaching personal responsibility and that no one can 'make' us anything. Instead I just say, "you are . . . "