How to handle my cousin's aggressive dd! (Help me)

[Desert Rose]

On the old board I once posted about a cousin of mine that I was considering calling CPS on. Well, the result was just that I decided to try to help and intervene more. She is really overwhelmed, married to an unemployed, ex-con nazi, and has 3 dc ages 2 1/2 and under!
So I have been trying to talk to her more on the phone and I'd like to see her and the dc more. A month or so ago, I invited her and her dc over for pizza and a movie. I figured the dc would play in Junior's room and we could watch the movie. My son's room is completely visible from the living room. So my cousin, her baby, & I sat down to watch the movie.
It was a nightmare. We didn't get to watch the movie because I realized that my ds was not safe with the 2 1/2 yo. Over the course of an hour, she choked him, hit him, knocked him down, yelled at him, and was just generally horrible. My cousin's reaction was always to yell at her dd. I tried some 5 step intervention and advising my cousin, but to no avail. Just when it seemed that she was calming down, she'd start again.
Well, I'd like to try again. Would you? What would you do in this situation? How can I make this better? Help!

[Irene]

well, for starters, I know you know this now ;) I wouldnt be leaving a child with a 2 1/2 year old ;) My dd was very aggressive at this age too and yeah, it gets embarrassing. Im assuming the cousin is probably even more aggressive because of the whole situation she is in :(
I guess I would just be very actively involved in playing with them. no movies (I know I get frustrated with my kids when I am distracted, or think, c'mon, just watch the movie) and be more proactive than reactive. assume positive intent, teach how to share etc. Im sure she was probably very overwhelmed with another child in her house... kids dont automatically know what to do. (a lesson I am learning myself ;) )

[ArmsOfLove]

I would probably invite them over but bring a few toys into the living room and not have any other activity planned but parenting and watching them. She needs some good mothering modelled to her and normal toddler behavior is over the top because of the issues in that home :( She's acting this way because she doesn't feel safe--but you can make it where your home is one place she does feel safe and you'll find the effort very worth it :)

[MarynMunchkins]

Some outside play to help get rid of some energy would be a great idea too. :)

[Desert Rose]

That's all good advice.
I will not allow them to go into ds's room again like that. We have toddlers over often and it's never been a problem before. I have a tiny house. The distance to the back of ds's room from the couch is probably shorter than the span of many people's living rooms. :/ My cousin wanted to put the movie in and let the kids "play." I never put it in, because I just didn't feel like ds was safe. That sounds terrible to say about a little girl like that. :blush
I guess I am confused as to how to set boundaries and use GBD with this girl. Or do I just not even do that? Should I be simply modeling with ds, or do I actually do/say something to the girl?
The only thing I did was to show her how hands are for nice things and tried to show her how to be "soft."

Im assuming the cousin is probably even more aggressive because of the whole situation she is in
True. It's hard to show her "gentle hands" when her daddy teaches her wrestling and hosts fight parties in the backyard! :eek (But that's ok, because the kids don't know about it. :rolleyes)

[ArmsOfLove]

That sounds terrible to say about a little girl like that It doesn't sound terrible to me. Anything less would sound like denial.

I would use GBD tools with her. They will not violate boundaries because they are kind and firm and this little girl needs someone to be an authority in her life. You can say things like "In this house" and "Our house rule is ".

[Desert Rose]

Thanks. :)