breaking my heart... and driving dh nuts

[Havilah]

James is 17 months and we are starting to have some trouble :( Please help! He's making me sad, and he's making my husband crazy.

He's pretty okay when we are home alone together. There's a little fussing here and there when he can't do something he wants to do (like stand with the refrigerator open and empty the shelves... or run around the house eating a banana...). He usually recovers from these within a few minutes. I try to reflect feelings, and offer alternative things to do.

When my husband is around he is a different child. He'll often have *nothing* to do with me unless he wants to nurse. Otherwise he clings to Geoff if I try to take him. He usually wants Geoff to hold him and walk around the house, giving a running commentary. Or he wants to go outside or to the basement to play. He gets so angry if Geoff tries to do *anything* else, and it's wearing G out.

Both mornings and evenings are tough. Geoff has a hard time getting ready for work because James wants to be held the entire time. After work James ambushes him and won't let up! He has resorted to watching videos with him just because it's so much less work... but neither of us think that's the best solution :( I can "kidnap" him to another part of the house while G tries to sneak around under his radar, but I'm not sure dragging him away crying will help *our* relationship.


Of course, my feelings are hurt. I'm trying really hard to be objective and look for areas where I might be pushing James away. I'm actually tearing up now... <sigh>

As a side (but related) note... my mom and I never bonded very well, for reasons that I have never understood. Whatever happened occurred at such a young age that significant damage had been done to our relationship by the time I was two. We've always struggled with this vicious cycle... I would do (unknowingly) something that made her feel rejected... then she would feel hurt and pull away... then I felt she wasn't a "safe" person... so I would pull further away and make her feel rejected... We've both been so hurt by the dynamics in our relationship, and I don't think either of us really know what went wrong. :cry I don't want to make the same mistakes, but I don't even really know what mistakes I'm trying to avoid. Obviously my pursuit of AP and GBD are attempts to thwart this cycle.


I guess to summarize this rambly post...

1. What are practical ways to change the dynamics between James and my husband? He told me to ask... and he's open to suggestion :)
2. Is James' preference for his daddy a developmental stage, or do I need to be concerned? If I should be concerned, what should I be looking to change? I feel like I've tried so hard to be doing the "right" things, but I still feel rather disconnected :(


Thanks.

[ArmsOfLove]

:hug

I don't think this is a repeat of your relationship with your mother. I really don't. It's also very normal for toddlers of ds's age to really love and want daddy. Around 18 months they really understand they aren't still part of mom and it's time for them to bond with dad! He's a normal little guy and he's doing what he's supposed to do :)

It might help if dh can set some routines and boundaries with ds. Include him in the getting ready in the morning--have him run for and bring socks, have him hand you things, throw stuff away . . . actively include him. And develop some routines for the leaving and coming home--maybe a song they sing, or a special handshake or a certain number of kisses and hugs, etc. To begin with (and even for some time) you may need to hold him while daddy leaves--but set the very firm boundary that daddy will go to work, you will help him with his feelings, and daddy will return.

having some more structure to daddy's time there will help with the changes--and a routine so that he knows what will come next will help him relax into it :)

and he loves you! there will be several shifts between preferring daddy and preferring mommy--they are normal. Try to not take them personal :) :hug

[Havilah]

sniff, sniff.
Thanks, Crystal. We'll work on some routines with Daddy.

I'm really trying not to take things personally. I have often wondered if some of the cycle with my mom started when she took normal toddler behaviors too personally, so I try to be conscious of that. It's just easier said than done.

[ArmsOfLove]

(((((hugs))))) You might also cruise by the library and grab Ames and Ilg's "Your 18 month old" ( I think they have one :) )

[MidnightCafe]

I would say that this is totally normal behavior. My DD has always been this way. She far prefers DH when he's home, unless she gets hurt or wants to nurse (well, we're done nursing now, but that's the way it used to be). I've never thought this means she doesn't like me. It's just that she doesn't see DH as much & I'm home with her all day. She knows she's going to get plenty of time with me. She wants as much time with daddy as possible when he's home.

It *does* wear my DH out sometimes & he's learned some things from me about how to make things a little easier. For example, DH can sit on the floor with DD & a bunch of toys and she's satisfied that he's there. If I come & sit on the floor, too, DH & I can have a little time to chat & DD is happy that we're down at her level. We also use the bathtub. We plunk her in the tub & hang out in the bathroom. Then she's not all over either of us, is pretty happy & we can both relax a little. (And no, we don't have a deluxe bathroom. We have a little tiny bathroom. DH usually sits on DD's step stool by the tub & if I'm there, I sit on the floor or on the *closed* toilet).

Our DD is very intense, and it's difficult for us to get time with each other when she's around. So, we've developed some little tricks, as I mentioned for getting her busy and spending time together. Some days are just hard, though. Some days are totally demanding. DH can't do anything but have one-to-one interaction with her. We know she'll grow out of it. As she gets older, she gets less demanding & can understand more about interrupting and waiting.

[DogwoodMama]

Charlotte is becoming a big daddy's girl right now as well... At lunch today she finished quickly, got down and then pulled dh the hand upstairs to go play with her! :rolleyes :lol I've been telling dh he needs to get ready for a more intense period with her.

But I'm glad, really. I want her to have a really strong, loving bond with dh, and *I'm* ready for a little down-time myself, which I can actually forsee happening. ;) :D

[Katherine]

My boys tend in the opposite direction, and reading your post *I* got teary at how precious it was for your ds to want his daddy so much! :) Even though they often "want" me even when daddy is around, they still are deeply affected when he leaves the house, travels, or is unavailable a lot. I wish more Daddys understood how important they presence is in their children's lives.

:hug Momma hearts can be so tender and sensitive. I know I've gotten my feelings hurt before over normal, healthy toddler behaviors. :O :shrug I think it would be great for you to support his love and attachment to Daddy, while also understanding the fact that sometimes they have to separate and that's just life.

I know on those rare occasions ;) when I actually get to sneak off for a shower by myself or a private phone call, my toddler gets really upset and dh just has to deal with it, b/c I need an occasional sanity check. :) There is no comforting him, but if dh just starts playing a game with him, he usually snaps right out of it. In those hard moments when you just *have* to pull him away, comfort yourself with the thought that you are giving your dh some much needed peace and get your ds involved in something he really likes to do/eat/play. :) :hug

[Havilah]

MidnightCafe, thanks for the suggestions. I think we'll try the bath idea later this afternoon :)

I've never thought this means she doesn't like me.

Yeah, I think this is my own neurosis :rolleyes I'm working on it. This thread has helped.

But I'm glad, really. I want her to have a really strong, loving bond with dh, and *I'm* ready for a little down-time myself, which I can actually forsee happening.

BP - as usual, you have such a good attitude. You are a blessing. :)

reading your post *I* got teary at how precious it was for your ds to want his daddy so much!

Palil, thanks for that perspective. I'm so blessed that dh is such an awesome, gentle and attentive daddy. Heck, if I were a baby I wouldn't be able to get enough of him, either. :hearts

[Chris3jam]

Yeah, I think this is my own neurosis I'm working on it. This thread has helped.

Trust me, it's not your own! My mother took it VERY personally with ANYTHING developmentally normal! And she showed it BIG time! I, too, am trying to break the same cycle of which you speak. :O My way of trying to deal with it, though, is just burying it, and telling myself that it's NORMAL for them. Don't know what else to do. :shrug I just hope my kids aren't seeing it my face or attitude, somehow (they're pretty perceptive). You are SUCH a good and caring momma to even be seeing this and being aware of it! :highfive

[Havilah]

Chris - thanks for the kind words. I'm sure half the battle is recognizing the pattern so we can choose to respond differently. I'm figuring it gets more difficult when they are more verbal and actually articulate hurtful words, and I'm preparing myself for that.

I think my mom put up walls to protect herself from me. I think (and this is purely speculation) that if she had made herself a little more vulnerable with me I would have felt more free in opening up to her. IOW - I think she didn't reach out to me in fear of rejection, but I think a little more transparency on her part would have set me more at ease.

:pray

[CelticJourney]

If all else fails, try to reverse the flow from a mommy/daddy split to a mommy/baby focus on daddy. Get excited yourself when daddy comes home - make I LOVE DADDY this great thing you have in common. Maybe make him cookies one afternoon (takes the edge off for daddy as well :D) and talk about blessing daddy when he comes home.

Some children get stuck with an idea (though normally older) that they can only 'love' one person or group of people at a time. For example, my newly 3yo nephew thinks he can only love those people who live in his house. You have your time during the day, maybe he is try to give daddy his time.

<<IOW - I think she didn't reach out to me in fear of rejection, but I think a little more transparency on her part would have set me more at ease. >>

Hard as it may be, this might be exactly what you have to do for yourself and your son. Give him the strong message that "I'm here, I love you and your rejection of me is not going to change that". Getting our hearts stomped on is a risk we all take as mothers, it sounds like you were already more vulnerable than most.

Hang In There!!!

[MarynMunchkins]

:hug I understand the whole mother/daughter dynamic. I'm not sure I will ever be able to have a real relationship with my mom. :(

Anyway, it really does sound normal. Not that any of my kids want daddy, it's mommy all the time. :rolleyes But I know several people whose kids only want to do with one parent. It just depends on the age which parent it is. :)

[Havilah]

Hard as it may be, this might be exactly what you have to do for yourself and your son. Give him the strong message that "I'm here, I love you and your rejection of me is not going to change that".

Thank you for posting that. I needed to read it :heart It's so true.


Get excited yourself when daddy comes home - make I LOVE DADDY this great thing you have in common.

Hey, that's a great idea. Especially since I really am thrilled when Daddy comes home :jump


Mary, :hug and :cry about your mom. She's really missing out on a great daughter :heart Thanks for the reassurance on the age-appropriateness of his behavior, too.

[GodisGood]

Both of my boys from day 1 (and to totally blow the 18 month leory out the window) have been attracted to daddy. They simply LOVE to be in Daddy's arms and to follow him around, etc. At times it wears my poor dh out but he does take it all in as much as possible. I am happy to let them bond. I don't feel left out at all as we have time together every day. Daddy is working on boundaries though as he tends to give them free reighn.

DS #2 is driving us nuts now, however, as he SCREAMS "DA DA" "DAAAAA DAAAAA" whenever dh leaves his site. He pretty much drained almost all the fun out of today with his incessant "Da Da!" :eek

[Havilah]

NurtureMama... that sounds so familiar! Especially the incessant "DAAAAA DAAAA". When they go through a moody teenage phase we'll pine for these days, I'm sure :)

[GodisGood]

Yes. I think that's why dh is so patient with them. His dad was a bit of a bully. :rolleyes

[jujubnme]

Julius adores being with his daddy too. Dh plays with Julius in a way I don't. They do plays and puppet shows and make up complex stories and games together. Dh's time with Julius is also limited because of his job, so Julius is very jealous of their time together. He's learned to watch the calendar for the "brown days" (weekend days) when Daddy doesn't go to work, and by the end of the day he counts the minutes till Daddy comes home. While he can self-entertain quite well when it's just the two of us, he doesn't ever want to play by himself when daddy is home. Like other dh's mentioned in this thread, mine loves spending time with Julius but is having to learn boundaries. However, even when daddy is home, I remain the preferred source of comfort for disappointments, hurts and going to bed. We have lots of our own bonding time and are pretty connected in our own way, so I'm usually don't feel threatened by his strong love for his dad. The times I have to remind myself not to take it personally is when he tries to exclude me from their play. ("No, no! Don't go in that room! She's a *mean* dinosaur!")

[milkmommy]

HAven't read the replies yet .. but it sounds like he cherishes quality time my DD is the same way. I began to notice a while ago that shes be more whinny with me but laughing and coperative with DH :cry sice I stay home with her I couldn't imangine she wasn't getting enough "mommy time" but since DH doesn't get to see her often when he comes home hes willing to put everything aside to play with her. (While I'd "watch her play but countiued doing dishes paying bills etc) Once I started implementing some SPECIAL quality time (were going to the park twice a week, take an evening stroll daily and I take her to get an icecream once a week, we also plan one art or cooking project a day we do together) I suddenly began having the same relationship she has with DH. She still loves DH comming home, I just get to share in the joy. It also fixed her clinging to him shes excited and has fun but no longer uses daddy to fill this need.

Deanna

[GodisGood]

Sounds to me like our children have a bunch of great dad's! I continually remind dh that I wish my dad was with me the way he is with the boys. :hearts Dh was so excited about filling the boys easter baskets on Saturday night. My dad would have (maybe) noticed it on Sunday morning. :rolleyes

[Dizzy Blond]

:hug Havilah!

I don't think what will happen with your mom will happen with you & your ds. Your mom for her own reasons (maybe her relationship with her parents) was never the adult in your relationship. She should have let you express your emotions without taking it to heart. Sorry that you went through this (I did too), but it won't repeat in your relationship, b/c you'll do everything to ensure it doesn't.

God bless,
Susan