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mom2_AthruZ
03-25-2005, 08:39 PM
Today I had to a rare outburst from our 9yodd that I had to handle. It started because I shorted her 5min on a 15min heads up that we were going to clean up the living room. The heads up time is usually for my 6yo who doesn't transition well. Hind site says I shouldn't have cut the 5min but I did and from there dd really began to push buttons. She argued every direction, stared me down (I had to keep from making eye contact), and then at one point physically fought me for a piece of paper. Through this whole thing I am keeping my cool and trying not to cry because I was truly hurt that she was, what seemed to me, trying to get me to yell, scream and become physical in the situation. When she became physical I said she needed to go to her room to handle her emotions. She yelled and told me no. I offered help and then had to help her to her room. She fought to stand out in the hallway and I gave her the choice of staying in her room to calm down or going to the comfort corner. I made it clear neither choice was a punishment just a chance for her to calm down. She finally made it to the comfort corner and spent 30min there.

I don't know if she was testing me to see if I would lapse into old habits or what. The old me would have yelled and taken away so many privilages that I wouldn't have been able to keep track. While I feel good that I didn't do those things I can't help but feel that I was permissive. I didn't back down on having her go to her room or the comfort corner though, she HAD to choose so my words did mean something. I haven't talked to her about it at all. I have felt that it would just reap a sour crop instead of produce fruit. She is not my spirited child and I was really thrown for a loop when this happened. Not that she hasn't had melt downs before, just that it has been a while and I totally didn't see it coming.

Anything different I could/should have done? Jumping into GBD with older kids has been a challenge. I feel logical consequence challenged because I can't come up with anything that relates to what has happened. Anyone else feel that way? I mean it is a whole lot easier to take away computer time for something unrelated to the computer than it is to come up with a logical consequence. I know that isn't how GBD works, just saying I am a little slow in that department. ;)

ArmsOfLove
03-25-2005, 09:44 PM
what, if anything, happened when she came out of the Comfort Corner.

Assuming 30 minutes wasn't the exact amount of time that you were cleaning, I'd say you handled this great! And under the circumstances I don't know that I'd have done anything different.

Two thougths I had to consider for future encounters--I might have gone ahead and cried. The natural consequence of behaving that way towards your mother is that you hurt her heart. I would have told her that--"You are hurting my heart. I'm trying so hard to be kind to you and not punish you and you are attacking me and being abusive. I feel like you are trying to provoke me. I don't understand why." Also, I might talk to her and let her know if something like that happens again you are going to save some clean up for her so that she pulls her weight for the family, but you can tell she needed to take a break and want to make sure she can step out of things if she needs to.

mrsramjet
03-25-2005, 11:05 PM
oooh crystal, this part of your answer makes me nervous.....

Two thougths I had to consider for future encounters--I might have gone ahead and cried. The natural consequence of behaving that way towards your mother is that you hurt her heart. I would have told her that--"You are hurting my heart. I'm trying so hard to be kind to you and not punish you and you are attacking me and being abusive. I feel like you are trying to provoke me. I don't understand why."


isn't that being emotionally manipulative? this is a hazy area for me. so i would love some clarity in what crosses the line in using our emotions to influence our kids and what is just being honest and showing them that they do have an affect on people. is it right to make the assumption that i can't say "you *make* me feel...." etc etc ????????

BeckaBlue
03-25-2005, 11:16 PM
isn't that being emotionally manipulative? this is a hazy area for me. so i would love some clarity in what crosses the line in using our emotions to influence our kids and what is just being honest and showing them that they do have an affect on people. is it right to make the assumption that i can't say "you *make* me feel...." etc etc ????????


I think the crying would be ok if it was an emotion she was actually feeling? if it was being done just to prove a point and not sincere then i think it would be manipulation. and id agree that the "you *make* me feel...." would be wrong, but saying "what you're doing is making me feel...." would be ok

mom2_AthruZ
03-26-2005, 09:01 AM
what, if anything, happened when she came out of the Comfort Corner.


When she came out her mood was completely changed and she was very cooperative. I made no mention of what had happened and moved on. That was hard because the punitive, sit for 10min while I lecture you side of me wanted to say something. :hissyfit Like I said in my OP I didn't think it would produce anything positive. Her moods swing so much lately and you never know how she will respond.

I like the idea of saving some work for her to do when she comes out. Our 6yo is usually the one that says she needs a break as soon as I say it is time to clean up. I felt bad if she went to take a break and her sister and I did all the work. So I would usually wind up fighting her to get her to work because I feel like her needing to take a break is due to her allergy to cleaning. ;) Add another tool to my box.

I want so much to stay connected to Alyssa as she approaches her teen years so I am working and praying hard when it comes to GBD. Thank you for the encouragement.

sadie
03-26-2005, 03:15 PM
Well, I have not been in this situation b/c dd (also named Alyssa :) ) is still a baby.

But honestly, it did not seem to me that you were permissive. You stayed calm, you did not get angry or yell, but you made it clear that her behavior was unacceptable, and that while it was okay to be angry and upset, that she needed to calm down and get herself under control. I thought you were very loving and firm. :)

I also have heard from a lot of other mamas on this board that when they first switched over to GBD, they felt like it was very permissive. It is a big change, so I understand how you feel. But I think you did great. :tu

ArmsOfLove
03-27-2005, 08:33 AM
oooh crystal, this part of your answer makes me nervous.....

Quote from: ArmsOfLove on March 25, 2005, 08:44:12 PM
Two thougths I had to consider for future encounters--I might have gone ahead and cried. The natural consequence of behaving that way towards your mother is that you hurt her heart. I would have told her that--"You are hurting my heart. I'm trying so hard to be kind to you and not punish you and you are attacking me and being abusive. I feel like you are trying to provoke me. I don't understand why."

isn't that being emotionally manipulative? this is a hazy area for me. so i would love some clarity in what crosses the line in using our emotions to influence our kids and what is just being honest and showing them that they do have an affect on people. is it right to make the assumption that i can't say "you *make* me feel...." etc etc ???????? I definately try to avoid "you make" because no one can *make* me feel any way. And even if what they are doing is causing me to feel a certain way, I am still responsible for my reaction. Yet I have not found a good reason to not show my real emotions so long as I do not do so in a manipulative or abusive way myself.

I mean, the natural consequence of attacking mom is that she is going to feel angry and/or sad. To withhold evidence of those very real emotions would fall under "blocking the natural consequences" and I don't choose to always do that. There is a time for learning from the natural consequences.

So I don't threaten, "Do you want me to cry?" Or "You are making me so sad that I'm going to cry if you don't stop." But it's true that "you are hurting my heart." See the difference?

I do assure my children if I express a real emotion that I'm okay, that I can handle my big feelings and they are not responsible for them, but we talk about how people feel when we do different things and how we are all responsible for our actions. At some point in the communication with everyone we make the choice to be kind and pleasant or accosting and abusive and we are responsible for that choice.

A lot of punitive teaching talks about emotions being sinful or having to do things dispassionately. Ezzo argues that emotions are sinful. But they aren't! They just are. Jesus wept. He didn't blame God or threaten Him, but He did express His sadness and ask God to remove the cup from his hand if it was possible. There is truth--and then there is what we do with it.

does that help?

mrsramjet
03-28-2005, 08:28 PM
yes that does help.

so it's ok to let them see you feel.
and they also see you manage your big emotions.
they see how they influence, but they are not responsible for you.

have i got that right dyt?