dealing with strong emotional reactions

[greenemama]

does anyone know of any good online resources for helping toddlers deal with strong emotions?

specifically dealing with anger, aggression, and frustration.

and perhaps some dialogue here would be good. :idea

example:
"i want fruit snacks, please." :yum
"no fruit snacks, we're having dinner soon. you can have cheese while you wait."
"I WANT FRUIT SNACKS!!!" and proceeds to beat the cabinet or the parent who said no.

what would you do? particularly from a playful parenting POV.

[ArmsOfLove]

you might want to do a search on emotional intelligence; and read "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by Faber and Mazlish.

at the point where they repeat themselves I'd say one more time--we're not having fruit, you may have cheese. and then I'd switch to reflecting feelings :)

[TulipMama]

I have found that the reflecting feelings has worked well. Not in all situations, but many.

Also, exaggerating things can help make it playful, like "You really WISH you could have the fruit snacks. I bet you wish you could have fruit snacks ALL the time. For breakfast, lunch AND dinner!"

And then our conversation usually goes onto other, though related, topics. And then it's dinner! *L*

[Miss Priss]

I can use all of the above steps with my 4yo, but she is *so* persistent that she is still having big reactions after those steps (repeating myself, reflecting feelings, trying to redirect). Quite often I have to use the 5 steps- You are hurting Mommy's ears with your screaming. I need you to do that somewhere else. Can you go by yourself or do you need my help? Sometimes she runs to her room after me telling her my ears are hurting, other times she needs help getting there.

[Irene]

hmm i never thought of using the five steps for feelings like that. My dd has a hard time calming herself down and it just gets ridiculous. no amount of reflecting feelings or walking away or anything helps. drives me crazy. she will scream and cry and chant. ARG

[MarynMunchkins]

All my kids do this to some extent. :rolleyes Ana is the most frequent (I was going to say difficult, but I switched to a more positive word.) ;)

Often, it works just to have a meltdown with her. "I want fruit snacks."

"Not now - after dinner."

"But I WANT FRUIT SNACKS!!" :mad

"But I WANT YOU TO EAT DINNER FIRST! Wahh...I want it now!" :hissyfit

She'll be so shocked that I'm screaming too, that she'll stop. It doesn't work all the time (usually if she's really tired or hungry), but it's a nice playful way to lighten the mood. :)

[ArmsOfLove]

switch to "asked and answered" and keep your cool while just saying that
start singing your answers and even dance around ;)
look confused and say, "What? Hunh? I can't hear you. What was that?" but do it playfully.

[Irene]

see crystal, (sorry mollie Im trying to to hijack ;) ) I have tried the "asked and anwered" and calmly walk away or whatever, and it seems to amp her up even more :/ Because I know you have said this before, and everytime I do it I think "Crystal says this is supposed to work!" ;) and it doesnt for me

[ArmsOfLove]

she might just be one of those intense kids who will get upset unless she gets her way. :shrug I've learned that it's okay for them to be upset ;) I do try to structure things so that if it's reasonable and possible I figure a way to get them what they want--lots of "as soon as" or telling them when it will happen; I think about the situation and ask if I'm going to say no as a habit reaction or if I really have a reason--for example, if my child wants ice cream and my initial reaction is "no" then I might stop and think, "Why not?" If I don't have a good reason then we will have ice cream :)

[Katherine]

I have really REALLY struggled with this with ds1. He is so "persistent" that it gives new definition to the word. ;)

I have also been through a lot of the steps discussed. I like Mary's playful idea :) but as she mentioned, it only works if he's in a good mood to start with. Having a scenario exactly like the one being discussed develop into a full-blown, drawn-out crying, screaming, laying on the floor melt down is bad enough, but when it happens over and over and over again throughout the day, it takes an incredible toll on everyone. :wow

I try to phrase things in the positive as much as possible. "I want fruit raisins."
"oooo.. that sounds good. We'll have some after dinner. Dinner will be ready in 15 min." (and usually before I get to the end of that sentence, the wailing has begun) :rolleyes I usually make a more direct effort to communicate and repeat what I said, so I'm SURE he knows my answer... and then....

One thing I've been trying lately is *JUST* reflecting feelings.. nothing else, b/c nothing else ever helped anyway. It's VERY hard for me not to tack on a "but" statement or an explanation about how his upset can be resolved, or why it's not so bad.. so it's a work in progress. :P I just say in a very sympathetic voice, "I know you WANT raisins. " [crying.. asking again... etc.] "It's hard to wait." [crying... repeating] "You are disappointed b/c you wanted them NOW." etc. I've been totally shocked when this has worked a couple of times recently. I would never have imagined that ds would willingly "let go" with nothing on my part except sympathy. :highfive

A different approach I've been taking--especially with a request where he is basically following me around the house asking, or just keeps bringing it up periodically over a space of several hours or all day--is to tell him very directly that he needs to STOP asking me.. that he is harrassing me, that I have already answered his question and I am feeling frustrated. I tell him, "Mommy is done talking about this." or "I will not talk about the truck anymore." and I don't. Sometimes one reminder that the topic is closed, plus my actions of ignoring further requests or changing the subject every time he asks gets the point across. If he intensifies the "seige" ;) by screaming louder, more tantrums, becoming physical, etc, then I tell him he will have to play in his room until he is ready to stop fitting and bothering me about it. (not trying to make it sound like a war, but it really does feel like I'm being laid seige to when he won't disengage)

Another phrase I recently picked up from this board :tu is "A loud voice will not change my answer." or... "Screaming will not change my answer." or... "Asking again will not change my answer." (adapt to fit the situation)

Sometimes I offer an alternative... "You can have a drink while you wait for dinner, but he usually rejects it b/c he's upset, and I just say ok and go about my business." Then he realizes that he missed out on the raisins AND the drink, and comes back to renegotiate. ;)

I have the book Crystal mentioned on order, and I know this title is mentioned here frequently, but "Raising Your Spirited Child" was an AMAZING help to me. It really made me recognize that he's not trying to drive me crazy or being emotional manipulative b/c he's a rotten kid.. this persistence is hard-wired into his personality. I KNOW it's true in our case, b/c dh is the same exact way, and b/c ds treats everyone and everything the same way.. not just me.

[ArmsOfLove]

Palil--that was spoken like a true pro :tu

[Katherine]

Palil--that was spoken like a true pro

:laughtears Thanks, Crystal! That made me feel good, but l had to laugh my head off, too... b/c I'm so NOT the pro sometimes. KWIM? :lol

Seriously, I actually meant to add this comment to my first post... nothing has "worked" in the sense of making the behavior stop or his emotions cease to flow when he's upset. For me right now, it's less about making it stop happening, and all about just finding a way to respond to it effectively *before* I lose my mind (and my temper :blush). I do hope he will learn, in time, how to express himself in a less abrasive way, and that he will learn to accept "no" for an answer, but that's a lesson I expect will take quite some time for him to internalize. IOW, I don't think there's a "magic bullet" to prevent the behavior so I'm looking for ways to help ME cope and teach him gently.

[MarynMunchkins]

Palil, I think that has been the key for me too. The meltdowns are going to happen, and I need to make sure that the kids are the only ones having them. ;)

Having these tools just ensures that I keep my calm and my emotions in control instead of melting down along with a 4 year old. :rolleyes

[greenemama]

The meltdowns are going to happen, and I need to make sure that the kids are the only ones having them. ;)

oh, blush blush. this is so me! i totally have a hard time controlling my emotions. and i've been soooooo hormonal the last two months or so as my body gets back into gear after 18 months without ovulating. :O

reflecting feelings is really hard for me. i also tack on a "but" statement and find myself really annoyed that i'm doing it as i'm doing it.

and i've always had a hard time saying "no" to cuteness. and henry will be really really cute saying please and whatnot and i just want to give him whatever he's asking for. i don't, but i have a hard time with no. :rolleyes

[MarynMunchkins]

Have you tried saying something like "Wow, you are cute! The answer is still no." :P It recognizes that they are trying to charm you but that the boundary still stands.

[Irene]

thanks you guys! that gives me more to think about. you are right they are going to have the feelings no matter what... I need to not get caught up in them.

[godsgracegiven]

I try to phrase things in the positive as much as possible. "I want fruit raisins."
"oooo.. that sounds good. We'll have some after dinner. Dinner will be ready in 15 min." (and usually before I get to the end of that sentence, the wailing has begun) I usually make a more direct effort to communicate and repeat what I said, so I'm SURE he knows my answer... and then....
ITA, :tu I try to never use the word "no," even when the answer is no. It just seems like using the words "no" and "you," (and newlly added "but") just set us up for melt downs.

[Irene]

I have tried too not saying no, using all other phrases, but sometimes, she just hounds me to death until I just give a flat out NO. :shrug

[MarynMunchkins]

Irene, Ana did this when she was 3 too. She's actually just growing out of it. :) There's hope...;)

[Irene]

thanks :D

[Close2MyHeart]

I should have read on before posting my "Screaming No!" post. Thank you for all the wonderful advice and encouragment in this thread!! It has helped me too. There are times I want to :hissyfit because of DS2's :hissyfit

[RealLifeMama]

Have you tried saying something like "Wow, you are cute! The answer is still no." :P It recognizes that they are trying to charm you but that the boundary still stands.


:lol Had to laugh at this one!
DD is really, really good at giving DH the puppy dog eyes, and has even on occasion started batting her eyelashes! :eek
I will have to pass this on one to him!

I am the only one that gets the meltdowns. This thread has been so helpful to me!