are you AP because of your upbringing?

[Kaz]

I'm just curious as to how many of us are into AP styles because we remember being left to cry (I do), were spanked and generally bullied? My folks put me into fulltime daycare from 9 months and I'm certain it made me really clingy and stay-at-homey. I know AP is great but I wonder if I am swinging a bit far the other way in reaction sometimes. Anyone kwim? :think

[button_soup_for_4]

I'm ap because of my upbringing but for the opposite reason. My childhood was wonderful and I wouldn't want my children to have it any other way. My grandmother raised me and was retired by the time I came along so I spent my days with grandma. She was also slowin down a bit and didn't mind sitting and reading the same story over and over again.

Cindy

[Kaz]

that's so great, how cool

[AprilBr]

I remember being left to cry at my grandmother's house in the crib. I was about 3yrs old and was scared of the train. They live really close to a train track. I remember being left to cry alot when I was older. No one ever held me. My dad would tell me to stop or he would give me something to cry about...he usually said that after he hit me. Being AP was a way for me to try my hardest not to be like my parents.

[Irene]

yeah, I think so. Im second born and always the rebel ;) lol I followed ezzo at first, because thats what you do if you're a good christian. I just thought this cant be the way... then it came time to discipline and I just didnt feel right about any of the punitive stuff. I just kept thinking "my parents did this stuff with me, and it just didnt work" I so didnt want my kids to go through what I did, and I knew from my own experience it just didnt work. with me, I just found ways to not get caught. :/

[Kaz]

do you know I only heard the term 'AP' on this website, then read Sears etc and am convinced its the way to go because its everything I came up with instictively (homebirth, slinging, co-sleeping etc) without having read or discussed with anyone first. So it was a real WOW for me to discover it all had a name and lots of other women agreed, ie GCM. Such a great boost, as I was starting to feel like a real odd-bod and doubting...Thank you God!

[sadie]

Some parts of being AP for me were the way I was raised, like I was extended bf and carried in a sling, b/c these things were a part of my ethnic background growing up (pakistani). But other parts of AP, like gentle discipline, I am committed to b/c I did NOT receive such kindness in the least bit, and I a determined to raise my daughter and any future children differently, so they don't grow up with the scars and issues that I have.

[jujubnme]

Interesting question. My parents weren't super harsh or strict with me growing up, but I never felt strongly *connected* to them. I love them and enjoy them on one level, but I still don't think they "get" the real me, kwim? When my ds was first born, I was not very AP--I'm embarrassed at how often I let him just sit in his car seat :(. When he was about 7 months old we tried CIO :( :(. Those are big regrets. But as I grew into our relationship, especially through breastfeeding, and began to look more into different parenting philosophies, AP and positive parenting ideas really clicked with me. I really want to maintain *relationship* and *connection* with my ds--the depth of relationship that I didn't have with my parents. So, I guess that's a roundabout way of saying yes ;).

[Wonder Woman]

:hissyfit :hissyfit :hissyfitYES! :hissyfit :hissyfit :hissyfit

And that's all I'll say in a public forum..... ;)

[DebraBaker]

A lot of my childhood is what I would call normitive abusive.

Not much warmth or affirmation.

A lot of guilt. Beatings, coldness.

I chose to ap because I wanted to do things differently, to break cycles of violence and detachment. I wanted to have a family unique from the family histories of either dh or my family.

So far, so good. And my mom agrees with the "results" even though she disagreed with my "methods".

DB

[arymanth]

I don't remember anything about my early childhood, and mom never talks about what it was like when I was a baby, except to say I was a "good baby".... but I do remember feeling very abandoned and alone most of my life. When I had my first baby, I could not bear to hear him cry because it touched something deep inside me that was almost a sense of PANIC. It was as if I could remember being left alone to cry, and the feeling was terrifying. I started co-sleeping with him from the beginning, before I had ever heard of anyone doing it. It just seemed logical to me. Why let him cry for no reason???

I discovered my first baby sling at Penneys, a grey and white ticking striped thing that I never could get adjusted right... but I tried! LOL (I still remember our very first outing at the mall with my baby in his sling... and he pooped all over it! LOL) It just seemed to make sense to keep him in my arms rather than sticking him in a stroller. My babies were constantly in my arms (as much as they would let me!) I don't remember my mom ever holding me, and I just felt "hungry" to keep my babies in my arms. I know this sounds weird, but it was almost as if I was holding MYSELF, through my baby.

When my third child was about 6 months old I had to go live with my parents for awhile. They INSISTED that he had to go to sleep in his crib, by himself. To do this, they gave him a bottle and shut the door, and we all sat in the family room across the hall and listened to him cry himself to sleep. I know I should have done something, but at the time I was a mess (I was living there because of marital problems and I was a basket case! Mix that with overbearing parents and my baby didn't have a chance! :() So I got a first hand example of what it was like for me as a child, and that really freaked me out . Fortunately, God restored my marriage and I was able to go home after six months.

My next child was born at home, and my mom came to the birth. I remember her watching me holding him and she said "I just love the way you love your babies". It was almost as though she was surprised...as though it has never occurred to her that this should be NORMAL.

I was thinking about this subject lately and suddenly I remembered something about my mom.... she has very fine hair, and she always used to have me tease it in the back, because the back of her head is very flat. I never thought about it, but suddenly I wondered.... was it flat because she spent most of her time as a baby lying in a crib and not being held? Maybe, or maybe not.... but the thought persisted. I thought about everything my mom had ever told me about her parents... which wasn't much.... and what I remembered about Grandma. In grandma's house, children were to be seen and not heard. She would send me and my sister off to the bedroom to color, or outside to play while Mom visited with her, and when we got ready to leave, she would give us a big sloppy grandma kiss goodbye... but that was all. Mom told me about a time they went to visit some relatives, and she had to sit on the couch quietly the entire time without moving. Mom was never allowed to have a friend over to spend the night. They never celebrated Christmas (apparently just didn't see a reason to!) and in general it was a very quiet, cold household. I think my mom was even MORE starved for affection than I was, but because of her personality, it made her hard and calloused to the point that she did not even realize that she was SUPPOSED to feel certain things. She did try to overcompensate in some areas... Christmas was a HUGE affair at our house, and she still goes overboard with gifts at birthdays and Christmas.... because she REMEMBERS not getting any gifts when she was growing up. (she never even owned a stuffed toy or doll!)


I know that all of this is speculation, because my mom won't talk to me about it, and probably doesn't even know.... but I am pretty sure that my mom treated me the way she did because SHE had never experienced being loved and held and cuddled as a child, and honestly did not know that this is what you were SUPPOSED to do with babies. I don't know what happened to Grandma to make her the way she was... but I suspect that this is something that had been passed down for several generations. I have been studying late 18th century parenting in Europe, and this is totally consistant with what was "normal" parenting for the times. Grandma's parents immigrated here from Europe in the late 1800's, so they would have been exposed to this kind of teaching.

It makes me wonder, just how will my own parenting effect not only my children, but the generations after them??? My boys already know how to treat a baby. They know that breasts are for feeding babies, and that babies should nurse until they are at least 3 or 4. :D Babies are for hugging and holding and loving on. :D I plan to love on my grandbabies just as much as they will let me!

I hope that at least in this one area I have broken this "curse" that seems to have plagued my family for so many generations.


Stephanie

[schoolofmom]

Wow, Stephanie, I'm sad for your mom, and you, but happy for your kids!

Yes, I AP because I want different results than my parents achieved. They were very influenced by punitive parenting taught as "godly" parenting ideas. However, my mom did do extended nursing! I always really admire her for that.

[LAS]

Not really the case for me.

I'm interested in AP because what we were doing with our daughter (punitive, spankings) WASN'T WORKING!!!! For a while I was mired in guilt, thinking it was ALL my fault. My DH was the first to point out that maybe we should take a closer look at the methods.

Although I did have to go to daycare until I was ten and would NEVER EVER put my own child in one. But I had a wonderful God-given mother who did the best she could (as a single mom)!! All mom's make lots of mistakes- including ME!

[MarynMunchkins]

I don't know... :/

I do know that I bfed in the beginning because I saw my mom doing it. But she gave me flack for nursing after a year :rolleyes so the extended part isn't because of her. I started baby-wearing because of my mom. I actually have the carrier that she made for me. :cool

But my parents were definitely punitive, and the reason I'm not (or strive not to be) is because of my parents. It didn't work at all, and they were pretty much by the book Dobson fans. :shrug That's pretty much my argument against Dobson. :P

My parents pretty much complained no matter what I chose to do with my kids. I shouldn't have let Doug cry; I shouldn't have co-slept with Ana. I shouldn't have weaned Doug so early; I shouldn't have nursed Ana so long. In fact, my mom flat out told me that there was nothing about me she was proud of. :rolleyes Sorry...I'm rambling now :O

[MamaBeth]

Absolutely.

[shilohmm]

I did not want to parent as my parents did, but I didn't "choose" GBD because it's very different from the way they did things. While as a kid I swore I wasn't going to spank, as an adult I was easily persuaded by the numerous books I read that spanking is Biblical (I read at least a half dozen different books that said as much :( and never read one saying otherwise :cry ). So my initial plan was to follow the same sort of plan as my parents, but to do it "right". :rolleyes So many of the authors I read argued that if you just followed their instructions "correctly" - gave the kid love and praise as well as holding them to high standards - then their methods would work, so I figured my parents must've done something wrong for the system to fail so completely with me.

Mind you, I wasn't the only one who believed my parents methods hadn't worked - my mom always said they never found a punishment that worked on me. ;) But the system didn't work any better on my eldest daughter than it had on me, and when my second son came along it didn't work even that much! :/ My eldest son and second daughter responded roughly as advertised, but I felt it was cutting into their trust of me and adding anger issues.

Plus I'd run across Christians on the Internet who argued - persuasively - that spanking is NOT Biblically mandated. So I slowly quit even trying to apply the Dobson/Fugate sort of approach but I didn're really know what to replace it with. I started using more GBD methods just stumbling around with instinct and the Bible. I still haven't read any AP author but Sears, and his stuff didn't do much for me so I don't know that he was much of an influence, either. I truely believe GBD is the Biblically based approach - it's applying the Golden Rule to your kids. It's treating them as you would any other Christian (or non-Christian, sometimes).

I do think Jeff VanVonderen's books Tired of Trying to Measure Up and Families Where Grace is in Place helped me to really SEE what my parents had done (and what I was trying to do), and recognize how wrong it was. And I suspect my parents think my parenting is a form of rebellion against them, or reactionary at the least. I don't think it is, though, because I started out pretty much imitating them. My mom gave me The Christian Family, which out-Ezzos Ezzo, and I know they read and liked Dobson, which is why I read him. So I started out imitating their methods - except when it became clear that it wasn't working, instead of "buckling down and trying harder" the way my parents did, I gave up. :P

But not really - I gave up on that approach and went searching for something better. I think the GBD approach is much broader - it's a lifestyle, and requires far more application in conversation than Ezzo's system, for instance - and in that sense requires more effort; but it's also more effective. The real tragedy is that my mom was bound and determined that her kids would feel loved - she'd never felt her mother truly loved her - but I was in my forties before I really believed my parents loved me (and I still question it some days). I kinda think my mom did a lot of things that would make most kids feel loved - my brother and sister felt loved - and even as a kid I could see she did more than the parents of many of my friends, but I still didn't believe she loved me. The punitive parenting practices overshadowed all that, for me. I believed all her kindnesses were born out of duty, not love, and that she didn't really even like me, much less love me. :(

I see the same thing in some Ezzo parents - great frustration that the techniques aren't working quite right, along with determination to do the "best" for their children. Which I fear in the long run will backfire on them considerably. My parents have a lot of regrets on how they parented me - I have a lot of regrets on how I parented my older ones. But I don't think I've just rebounded to permissive parenting or anything. The kids have much the same responsibilities and chores as they did before - it's just that we approach getting these chores done from a completely different perspective.

OTOH, I do think people who suffered under the standard "Conservative Christian parenting" style are more likely to search for options. I think I was more motivated to question the practices because I could see my eldest daughter was suffering as I had - I suspect that many people who have a more instinctive respect for authority would dismiss her pain as immaterial or as rebellion. I've had a lot of spankers scoff at the idea that child who is loved would find spanking a violation or an attack or in any way "evidence" that their parents don't love them - I suspect because they never responded to a spanking that way. But I suspect I would have found spankings troublesome even if I'd never suffered them personally, and would have rejected that style of parenting no matter how I'd been parented. I think I only embraced it in the first place because it was all I knew - I'd know gentle parents, but never gentle Christian parents, and I really couldn't figure how gentle parents accomplished what they did. :P It's a big change.

Sheryl

[ArmsOfLove]

Yes--because my mom had discovered it by the time she was having my youngest brother :) I grew up going to LLL meetings because my mom was a leader ;)

[Peepsqueak]

I am AP because I did not get much affection as a child. My mom came from a New England background where children should not speak until spoken to, etc. My father was from a southern background that believed in good switchings if you were naughty. Also he spent time in Germany where harsh discipline was a popular techinque. He had Ezzo additudes about scheduling and babies, too. I do not think he read Ezzo, but he was very much into CIO and scheduled feedings, bedtimes, etc.
I cosleep with my kids still today, breast fed and carried them in slings until they were too heavy (around one to two years old). I would have breast fed into toddlerhood but they weaned themselves....
I also coslept because I work full time and even when they were on the breast, I had to work full time and this made up for my time away from them. I am very affectionate and huggy and hold my children a lot. Since they are much older, snuggling is not as much but anytime they want snuggling I am receptive to it. I do miss the baby years....

[malakoa]

I just want to say I am really encouraged by those of you who grew up in abusive homes who are praciticing ap because you want something better for your kids. that's so awesome.

:tu

[Sandy]

There are lots of things I admire about the way my parents raised me, but it was not an "AP" home. They were loving and certainly not abusive, though we were spanked. Actually, I kind of grew up in a "Cleaver" house. I wanted all the good things I found in my parents' parenting...but it just wasn't enough for me. I needed to cuddle more, bf longer, and in general, keep my kids closer.

[Tengokujin]

I am AP for several reasons, and due to several influences. First, my family is really restrained--no hugs and really not affirmation either. We do a lot of teasing which I know is rooted in love, but it really doesn't feel that way. I wanted to have MY family to be physically affectionate with each other and affirming.

Second, the first time I heard of co-sleeping ( which is not a requirement for AP) I made a disparaging remark about it to my boss. Well, he gently responded to me and said that his family had a family bed and this is why., blah, blah, blah.His response was so non-defensive, and I knew his family and their testimony. I knew I had to reconsider stuff. He was the first person to discuss why not CIO., etc. He explained that we don't ignore a hurting, lonely adult, why would we do that to a baby/child? That really stuck with me.

Those are my big reasons. I have had other influences on me which guided me to rethink mainstream thought.

Oh, another one....I can't stand to hear the same parents that WANTED a baby then complain about that baby. I wanted to pareant in a way that said it was ok to enjoy your child.

[UltraMother]

For me, the biggest reason is respect. For at least two generations, children in my family were/are considered to be second-class citizens.Children are treated very poorly, in a manner that no one would ever treat another adult. But, it's quite normal, to most peole. I despised it as a kid, and still do. I promised myself that I would not be like that. It's a promise that I have kept. I do mess up sometimes (when I go on auto-parent), but I have this goal in my head as "what not to do", and it keeps me strong.

[eoconnel]

I did grow up in an AP family. Mom extended bf, let us self wean, cloth diapered, made her own baby food, co-slept. I never really remember my parents yelling at us or each other. When they did raise their voice we knew that we were in really big trouble.

[DebraBaker]

Elizabeth,

It must be wonderful to be raised that way.

I can't even say my children could say some of that about us (like we never yelled :O) It must be so nice not to have the bad messages going over and over again especially during stressful moments.

Debra Baker

[button_soup_for_4]

My grandmother obviously didn't bf me and she didn't technicaly co-sleep but I remember sleeping on a cot in her room until I was almost 6 because she didn't like not being able to hear me if I needed her. I was the one who decided to move to the spare bedroom but even then the cot was were I wanted to be if I was sick for years after that. :hearts

She didn't wear me in a sling either but she was nearly 60 so I understand. Most of the time I sat on her lap or in a stroller close by. She had a play pen in the backyard that I played in until I was way to big for a playpen, like 5 :eek. It wasn't used to trap me in so much as to give me a safe place to play while she worked. She gardened and hung clothes outside whenever the weather permitted. She never made me stay in the play pen and I never recall not liking it. She'd tell me what she was going to be doing, leave me with some toys or a snack and get to work. I could hear her working and could have easily climbed out if I had wanted to. But why would I? It was fun. :)

Grandma sang and gave piano lessons too. Her singing wasn't something that would have made her famous but I adored listening to her. When she gave lessons she'd let me know who was coming and what she needed me to do while they were there. She'd let me greet them, then either send me nextdoor to play, to the family room play, to bed for a nap (didn't like that one much) or let me listen if I was quiet.

rambling, sorry.

Cindy

[katiekind]

My stepmother AP'd my younger sisters (my half-sisters, that is) who were born when I was in my pre-teen years. Meanwhile my mother was more of a standard kind of mom for my younger half brothers who were also born when I was in my preteen years. My mother was busy pushing my brothers to independence etc, getting into adversarial situations with them, etc, and my stepmother was busy enjoying her babies. It was kind of a unique situation for me, living with my dad and stepmom during the school year and with my mom and stepdad during the summers, but I saw two ways of parenting young children and I easily saw which way I wanted to go when I had children.

[RosieTook]

I love them and enjoy them on one level, but I still don't think they "get" the real me, kwim?

This is me too...I am not AP because I wanted to be different than my parents, but because I want to do what is best for my dd and to make her feel loved and wanted and special..all the things I "knew" growing up but didn't really feel...KWIM?? :/

Now I know that I would not do it any other way..Thanks GCM for showijng me a better way!! :mrgreen

[mama j]

Yes, I think I am. In my case what drew me to AP was that I don't want to be a yeller and angry with my kids. It's hard for me to talk about my parents because I feel like I am disrespecting them or something, because they weren't that bad of parents. But they got so angry and would yell when I got in trouble. And it was unsuccessful, the yelling and anger did not make me behave. So I choose AP because I want something that is affective and gentle and loving. :D

[expatmom]

Yep, not in spite of my upbringing but because of it. My parents were/are pretty gentle folk. I was breastfed till well over a year when everbody else was bottle feeding. I remember my mom saying that she held us all the time when we were babies just because, and I loved to sleep on my dad's chest when I was a baby. We slept in their room when we were babies, and as older kids we always knew that their door was open & we could go for nighttime snuggles whenever we needed them. My parents weren't perfect & did go thru a punitive phase (related to the church they attended) when we were in our late child/preteen years. But on the whole, they taught us well with regards to gentle discipline. I love to see them now when they interact with my kids. They are awesome grandparents!

[This Busy Mom]

yes... if nothing else we were ap'ed when we were little.

[Marzipan]

My mama APed me. And she's the best mama ever! Of course, she didn't *call* it AP, and she did some things I don't agree with...but I am AP because that is the wonderful example of mothering I had. :heart

[tui_song]

No. I believed in what my parents did (Dobson style discipline) and intended to do the same. However when I started it with my dd I realised it was destroying our relationship, and I knew I had to change.

[Kaz]

It has been fascinating reading everyone's responses..I feel a lot in common with many of you who love and respect your parents but felt there must be a better way. And its so encouraging to hear of those who are following in their parents footsteps because they appreciate the way they were APed.
I particularly related to a lot of what you said, Stephanie. Having my dd and beinggobsmacked :wow at how precious she was/is I finally twigged :idea that I must also be so precious (and for a while there I was seeing everyone as precious little babies inside too...but that didn't last as long LOL :)). So anyway, I can relate about learning to re-love and parent yourself at the same time as you love your baby. I guess that's what love is at the end of the day; treating others (in this case dd) as I would have wanted to be treated.
Also, I have learned a new love for my mother. Whereas before I'd been a bit critical, I realise now that for all her shortcomings her love for me really made her strive to improve upon her (very abusive) upbringing. I know I will be an imperfect mother too, and hope my dd will love and 'better' my parenting too.
I hope my dd realises all throughout her life how much I love her , that would simply be the best :hearts

[Sanveann]

I don't think my mom really did CIO, but I did get spanked. I also heard the whole "quit crying, or I'll give you something to cry about."

[Lillyma]

I have a mixed answer. My mom was pretty AP: breastfed in the early 70's when it wasn't so acceptable, used a sling, and she co-slept with me until she got married when I was 15 mos. (My stepdad was very un-AP) She even said she never intended to spank, but my stepdad started spanking me, and since the group they were in taught extreme wifely submission, she went along w/ it. I really admired my mom and chose to dothe possitive things I do because of her.

Edited to add: there was a lot of punitiveness & CIO that developed because of the influence my stepdad had on our family. I did start down that road myself, but by God's grace He turned my heart.

[Blue Aurora]

I 'm not really sure. Bf was never an option it was just something that you should do b/c my mom and grandma bf. Cosleeping, slinging and GBD I just happened to stumble across along the way and I'm glad I did! :-)

[mrsramjet]

my dad is a strict passifist. (the card carrying kind) and always believed that violence of any sort for any reason was always wrong. it pained him greatly when my sister had her kids and would do the standard christian smack routine (have a wooden spoon handy type deal. they never 'followed' any particular method though). but we thought "oh well, he's not a christian so he doesn't understand"
he also was a counselor and stuff - some fairly new agey type stuff - so he was big on reframing things positively etc etc with us.
however, mum is a very odd person. she has a lot of trouble with emotional connectedness. her upbringing had a lot to do with that (upperclass british, nannies in the nursery, brought down in the evenings to spend a little time with parents before bed kindof thing....)
i know she really tried hard, but even though i have no memories ever of being smacked, i know that she did leave me to cry a bit in my cot and i felt a lot of sarcasm and disdain from her in my failings as i grew up. we had a really difficult relationship - because along with all of that she also relied on me emotionally a lot. she thought we should be 'friends' and i was her support. we went everywhere with them and they didn't shut us out of their lives. this was a mixed blessing. it was a rich childhood, but they were also very bohemian types so morally there was a lot of questionable stuff/people around us.
so when my sister and i became christians in our late teens we only knew that our upbringing was 'ungodly' so we had to find the 'godly' way.
thankfully after i started to see through ezzo's veneer of godliness i have now found the 'god filled' 'grace filled' way and am so glad (even though i slip up so much) and love aiming to parent how god parents me, rather than how mum and dad tried to.
i actually have a lot of respect for both of them, knowing their stories so well as i do, i think they did the best with the info and resources they had at hand. (both pommy immigrants to australia in the 60's)
mum often tells me that she admires what i do (particularly if it's not the conventional thing - but she likes to think she raised trail blazers lol) but still manages to indirectly put down my every move and now my children's so i am very cautious about how much time i spend with her.
actually i think i have my boundaries pretty secure. but the second her radar picks up on the kids my hackles are up and my defenses start blazing........

ETA stephanie i was very moved by your post, too. thanks for the insights within your recollections.

[Embracing Grace]

I was raised in Russia, during communism. I think that almost every parenting style there was influence by the principles of communism, in a way. According to them, there was no God, people had no souls, eveyone had to conform to the group. So yes, we were left alone to cry (for HOURS AND HOURS), all alone in our cribs. My mother also did not have a problem with locking me (as a toddler) in a room that has been stripped of everything "dangerous" and leaving to go shopping! :eek :( They had all kinds of crazy ideas. All of them were extremely abusive and ditached. Spanking was HUGE. My two older brothers and I would get whipped on the naked butt with a belt. Sometimes you couldn't sit down afterwards for days! I know my parents tried to do their best, they just did not know any better. They came to the Lord when I was little, but their transformation was slow. When my younger brothers were born (six and nine years after me) my parents were much more gentle in their approach. They were barely ever spanked, and my mom breastfed them much longer than she did my older brothers and I. My younger siblings seem to be much better adjusted and stable than the older three. It's very sad, because my mother regrets her parenting style so much. She cries every time she talks of how she handled her first three kids. She is very supportive of my parenting style now. She does not believe in CIO any more, believes in co-sleeping, and extended breastfeeding. She is very gentle now. I love my mom very much, and we have a VERY close relationship (by the grace of God). It's interesting, our entire family is very close despite all the negativity during our child hood. I believe that God redeemed all those experiences. My older brothers and I have very flat heads though!!

Sorry to ramble!

[Sanveann]

Oh, Olga, that is positively heartbreaking!!!

[Punkie]

I am AP because my parents raised me AP, and I can't imagine doing it any other way!

[tree_hugger]

I haven't read all the replies yet, but I just wanted to add, my parents APed my brothers and me. I remember being breastfed and tandem feeding with my younger brothers, and sleeping in our family bed. BUT, my parents were also very permissive, and did not set any boundaries for us as children or teenagers. We children ran the show, so to speak.

So, I have tried to take the AP elements from them, and add my own firm, GBD to the mix. :)

[prayerbear]

My parents were AP. They were great. They were too un-strict though. I feel they did not ever take a stand to say a NO, or to GUIDE us in our path so we all went astray and experienced bad life also... but I am on track now :tu

[righteous mama]

My parents were a strange mix. My mom loved Dobson, still does...but I was only spanked once in my life. I was not breastfed, but my mom delivered me natural using Bradley and left the hospital only hours after I was born (AMA)...according to her she had a very hippy OB/GYN. :tu My mom has said often that she likes her chicks to be near her. They bought the house they did because all the bedroom doors faced each other so she could easily get to us...yet, we were not allowed to come into their room unless we were dying. :/ I spent a lot of time in my sisters room 'cause I was quite the scaredy. My mom and dad were very gentle...my dad more than my mom. He danced with me, rocked me, and I remember the smell of my dad vividly. My mom I mainly remember the smell of her perfume after she took a shower.

So all in all it was a good mix. She disapproves of me not spanking, she wants me to vax (even though she wasn't vax'd), she doesn't like me sleeping with my kids, etc. Suddenly she's turned into almost an anti-AP'er. Although she firmly does not believe in CIO. My sister had a friend over once who made her dd cio in the other room. Both my mom and my mom's friend had to leave because they couldn't take it anymore. :cry

[boonpnutsmom]

I have gone the SEVERE opposite route also. My mom gave birth to both my brother and I in August and was back to school when school started in September (she was a teacher). My Gramma, and Gma & Gpa raised us. Neither my brother or I were breastfed. So here I am almost 8 years after our oldest was born, and I have breasting, co-sleeping, Opihi wearing (opihi's are clingy crustaeans, lol) and the total opposite of my mom. She has told me she is very pruod of me. :heart I'm still a wonderment to my Daddy. :think

[Allison]

I am, definitely. My upbringing is what made AP so attractive. I am determined to spare my boys from the emotional mess that the authoritarian style of parenting left me with.

[Allison]

Oh, Stephanie, your story makes me want to cry. I think it was like that for so many of our parents and they were actually softer to us than their parents were to them and we are softer to our children than our parents were to us. I feel that if we can be attached parents given what our upbringings were like, then our kids are going to be awesome parents! Can you imagine how much less complicated parenting would have been for us had we been "AP'ed"? Wow!

[waremock]

I was spanked and left to CIO and once I had children I didn't know much other then I wanted to raise them the complete opposite as to the way I was raised!! I have always did AP but never really new that there was a name to how I was raising dc until a couple years ago...And I'm feeling that I'm doing a great job thus far :D :D

~Michelle

[Lilly_of the_ Fields]

Yes and No. There were elements of AP in the way I was brought up - cosleeping, baby massage, lots of affection - and my parents really sought to connect with us through play ... :heart

I was a very headstrong child though and clashed a lot with my mum whose boundaries were unclear (what was acceptable one day would be unacceptable the next).

To her credit, mum really tried not to smack us but would often release her frustration verbally and would do so in an explosive fashion which was frightening, used a lot of put downs etc :mad

My parents perhaps relied too heavily on their kids for emotional fulfilment and I often found myself "playing a role" to keep them happy, esp if avoiding my mother's outbursts, and eventually became very passive aggressive towards my parents and other authority figures... :sick

So, there are some wonderful aspects of my childhood that lend themselves to AP, but I'm very aware of the need for predictable boundaries, proper communication of anger & GBD, and being mindful of where my self esteem and sense of worth as a parent is comign from - whether it is firmly anchored in who God is or what my children 'do' externally
:tu

[TheSweetLife]

I don't know if it is because of my upbringing, my parents were pretty laid back but I was spanked and had boundaries - everyone else in our family (cousins and stuff) thought my parents were way too strict, I never felt this way though. Maybe because I went to a private school and chuch where other parents were way more strict than my parents. We AP because that is just what seemed to be right, dh and I have been around kids -dh is from a big family and I did a lot of babysitting while growing up plus have a sis that is 13yrs younger so we just did what seemed natural.

[chelsea]

I was brought up in an authoratarian-style family. My parents were very loving and certainly never abusive but very "by-the-book". As a child, I thought that style was the Godly way and remember criticizing people when their children acted up, saying "They just need a good spank!", or mocking the few people I saw who practiced extended bf'ing behind their backs, etc. It was just my ignorance and total oblivion that there WAS another way. It wasn't until I became pregnant that I swung in the complete opposite direction and thanks to a few supportive friends, some good books and my God-given intuition I changed. I was quite rebellious as a teenager (not outwardly but inwardly) and can see how the authoratarian style was a big factor in it. I just couldn't wait to get out from my parent's home so I could live my own way. I was outwardly submissive but had no personal inward restraints. I dealt with a lot of depression and had a view of God that He was just waiting to punish me for the horrible person I was and I was convinced I would die young. After I finally moved out, I lived like a "wild-woman" for awhile but became pregnant, and it was not until THEN that I got a clear picture of God and His character. I saw His love, patience and mercy and was awestruck. In fact, it was my mother's reaction to the news that I was pregnant (she has changed a lot since I was a child) and her display of mercy and compassion to me that I saw God's compassion for me also. I rememer holding my infant son and feeling my heart bursting with love for him and thinking "Wow, the way I love my son is the way God loves ME, only He loves me even more!" I cried when I thought about it that way because it finally all made sense. Anyways, I feel like a completely different person now and I have chosen to parent my child in a way that emphasizes God's unfailing compassion to us. I want my son to honor and obey God, but also to love Him with all his heart and not to be terrified of Him and have the wrong picture that I once did. I feel like attachment parenting is not only the natural way, but the clearest display of God's love for us.

[Allison]

Chelsea, that was beautifully said!

[Embracing Grace]

Chelsea,

That was very beautiful! I completely understand what you mean. I used to always think that God was out there somewhere waiting to punish me! I was submissive outwardly (it only lasted until I was 14), but inwardly I was a very depressed and angry person.

Thanks for sharing that! :) :hug

[Hermana Linda]

In a sense, yes. My mom was kind of AP, except that she did spank. She wore us in a Japanese Back Carrier in the 1960's in Los Angeles. (I should post that pic to my website, now that I have a scanner. Some day...) She did not co-sleep, because it never occured to her. She thought it was great, when I did it.

Anyway, she was a LLL mom and that is why I joined LLL and that is why I was reading all that AP literature. So, I do have my mom to thank. :mrgreen

[Hermana Linda]

. My mom....wore us in a Japanese Back Carrier in the 1960's in Los Angeles. (I should post that pic to my website, now that I have a scanner. Some day...)
In case anyone is interested, I did scan that pic. It's my avatar now. :D And if I change it, you can still see it at http://www.kjsl.com/~lindav/images/Eva1961.jpg
Edited to add: Or you can see the big version at http://www.kjsl.com/~lindav/images/Eva1961Big.jpg

[sadie]

Linda, that's beautiful. :)

[Hermana Linda]

Linda, that's beautiful. :)

Thanks. Someday, when I have time (yeah right :P) I'll make webpage with more pics of her. Maybe for her Mother's Day Present. :hearts She really was a good mother, especially considering what she had to work with. Her parents were not affectionate at all. :cry

[KingsDaughter76]

Basically yes, I was abused as a child... my parents did the whole spanking thing really poorly. I remember hating them and wishing they were dead as a child. I never want my children to feel that way about me. I know God's grace is why I turned out the way I have..I did not want to continue the cycle of abuse and violence I had grown up with. I chose to AP my children because that is what God put on my heart.... My parents and I have a great relationship now and have sought forgiveness for what happened to me as a child. They are also changed in their beliefs of how to raise children. They are amazed that I can raise my children without hitting or yelling etc.. it has taken them the 2 yrs I have been living with them (since I lost my dh) to realize that this is a better way to parent.. and they have actually committed themselves to becoming gentle grandparents and never hitting/yelling again... they have seen the light per say... amazing and I am thanking God everyday for this miracle.


Kellina

[Kaz]

Kellina, what an inspirational story, awesome. Thank you for sharing. Its amazing how God transforms..what grace and love!

[Soliloquy]

Absolutely! My parents were very inconsistent, had a detached marriage, and used guilt/yelling/spanking/threats to get me to behave. I manipulated them whenever I wanted my way. As a teenager, I learned to tell my mom as little as possible--it was easier than dealing with her hysteria. My mom still doesn't know "who I am."

I knew I wanted to do things differently, that I wanted my kids to trust me and be able to talk to me. I knew I wanted to be consistent and not be a nagging, hysterical housewife. But, I thought I had to spank and punish.

Thankfully, God steered me to The Baby Book when I was pregnant. I had a friend who slept with her babies but I thought that was wimpy. I'd read Ferber's book and really thought it was important to make babies independent :blush.

But, from the moment I saw my daughter, I knew I couldn't let her cry. She's always slept with us, from day 1. I know this is the best way to raise her because I'm becoming a better person, more Christ-like, too. My marriage and all my relationships are better.