I am ashamed...

[MamaBeth]

I've been up all night with pain from this sinus infection I can't seem to quite kick. About an hour ago, I was sitting in the living room thinking about Sarah and her lack of motivation with SOS these past couple of weeks. Since she had that week's break, she's seemed to pretty much lose the enjoyment she'd had of the program.

Well, DUH! Of course she has! We had set the program to finish an entire school year's worth of work by the end of the school year, even though she was beginning the program with just under half a year left!!! How STUPID and overbearing can I be?! Here I've been pushing her to stay caught up in her work, totally losing sight of some of the very reasons we want to homeschool!!! She's not enjoying this heavy pace of work!!! I don't think I would enjoy it either, and I am not dealing with dyslexia or dysgraphia!!

In the past six weeks that we've had the program, Sarah has completed nearly half a year's worth of work in each subject with A's and B's. She's done a VERY good job with it, but oh, my heart is breaking because I've pushed her so hard. There is not one single letter of law saying that she must complete an entire year's worth of this curriculum in half a year, or that she can't take part of next school year to finish it, or even just do what she can and disregard the rest and begin the fourth grade program in the fall...what am I doing to my poor child?!!

SOMEONE TAKE ME OUT BACK AND FLOG ME for pete's sake! This is NOT what homeschooling is about and I am very ashamed that I have so quickly lost sight of what I believe in.

WHY? Because my mother disapproves of homeschooling? Because my neighbors think I'm crazy for homeschooling? Because the public school system says she was behind?

They are NOT worth losing my daughter's heart or killing her joy of learning over!!! For what?! For the sake of proving some point?! I haven't even really been aware of it, but now that it's hit me upside the head I can see that yes, it's there.

In another disagreement with my mother over homeschooling the other day, she said that she's sorry that I've lost my perspective and have turned so far away from the way I was raised. Here I've been thinking she's wrong, but actually in a way she's right just not in the way she thinks. Yes, I have managed to lose my perspective already, in just six short weeks. I've always felt that there is more to life than academics and grades, and what am I doing already? Pushing my baby to do much more than is realistic or fair.

I feel sick. I owe Sarah such a very HUGE apology, and some time off. We need to do some fun things again...maybe some of her Brownie badges...another field trip into Manhattan. We need to get back to the good stuff of homeschooling.

[Reva]

(((HUGS))) See, I think you're a great mom-you're at least able to realize when you've made a mistake. So go off and have fun! (I'm saying this b/c I can see myself completely in your post! I have those same type of tendencies). Hang in there! This parenting stuff is hard enough, but when you add the hs stuff in too, it gets very interesting.

[icesmom3]

:hug You are not alone Mama!!! I have done that too and then realized no one was having fun and changed our program!!! You are a great mama and you dd is blessed to have you! Set up some fun stuff to get fun back into learning!! :heart

[Charity]

I've felt that same pressure from outsiders to push my kids to accomplish stuff on a set schedule too. It's terrible. I always feel bad when I realize I am doing that.

[ArmsOfLove]

:hug your dd is blessed to have a mother so open to doing the best for her :)

[Tara]

I've felt that same pressure from outsiders to push my kids to accomplish stuff on a set schedule too. It's terrible. I always feel bad when I realize I am doing that.


I feel the same way as Charity a lot of times. If I let Jared work at his own pace, things are SO much better for us. When I push him, he throws fits & everyone gets upset.

[allisonintx]

You do realize that the criticism from your mom is not about you choosing to homeschool, right?

It's about her feeling like you are saying "You were stupid to send us to school, and I think I know better than you do and I'd never be so stupid." So, she's insulted and hurt because she thinks you think she was not a good parent. She may never really be able to verbalize it, but that's the ticket. She's hurt and she is lashing out at you by trying to make you hurt the same way.

The good news is that the Lord can change her heart. I've seen it happen in my own family and they're a really hard headed bunch! :/

As far as being ashamed, repent and get over it! Your dd will forgive you. God already has! Forgive yourself. This is a serious journey and we're all going to make some detours that require u-turns and sometimes scrapping everything and starting over (yes, sometimes with a brand new $2.00 per gallon tank of gas!) Be a gentle mother with yourself. You're doing GREAT! :clap

[MamaBeth]

Thanks. Actually, I did very recently ask my mother if she thought that me making choices different from hers with my parenting and everything was an attack on her choices with my brothers and I somehow and she said she did feel that way. :-(

I don't know quite what to say, because while it IS because of how I was raised, it's not about trying to hurt her in return for hurts I felt as a child. All I could say was that it wasn't an attack on her. Well, she ended up saying she'd be willing to read more about Sarah's curriculum and everything, so I sent those to her, along with an update about her grades with the program and the results of her standardized test. I also arranged to have a demo CD of SOS sent to her.

This conversation (the one that led to me realizing that I'm too hard on Sarah) was the very next conversation after the one where she'd made that admission, which was made in the process of her denigrating all my choices in life - homeschooling and staying married to Paul after his affair, and saying that she thinks I have been brainwashed by some backwoods ultrafundamentalist cult. (This conversation it became "Backwoods Libertarian crud") for homeschooling and everything else.

SIGH. If ever there was two people at opposites, it's my mother and I.

[Radosny Matka]

:hug, Momma. I'm glad you came to this realization. It sounds like you have one very special little girl on your hands. Enjoy your downtime.

[Heather]

:hug