Why I would say spanking is not....

[TheJAngelsMom]

Spanking is not biblical.

I would say this...

Most mothers spank thier children when they have lost control, ran out of patience. Right there are two fruits of the holy Spirit not being used. At that point they are no longer being kind, gentle or loving for the momment. Again another 3 fruits not being used of the Holy Spirit. They probly feel awful after spanking but go into denial that it was what needed to be done. To me that is being prideful and not wanting to humble themselves before thier children. They are no longer at peace with themselves and thier children are not at peace. Another fruit not being used. There is no joy in hurting your children and definitely no goodness in it. Two more Fruits not being used.

My conclusion is when spanking your children you diminsh the fruits of the Holy Spirit. When you are walking with Christ you bare fruit of the Holy Spirit. How can it be biblical?

This is just what I would say!! :)

[ArmsOfLove]

excellent observation :)

And if you take the analogy into the 1 Corinthians 13 explanation of what Love is (and remember that God IS Love :heart) you can say that when you spank with a regimented plan and you do it immediately and dispassionately you are not being long suffering, or forgiving, not to mention the lack of kindness involved in physically hitting your child. Even if they want to argue that allowing a child to disobey isn't kind, there are kind ways in which to respond--which not only address the issue, but model the way you want them to be.

You could really develop this line of thinking into a full Biblical address of spanking. :clap

[sadie]

I think all those spanking advocates that warn parents to never be angry when they spank are referring to exactly what you said. They figure if the parent is perfectly calm and loving, then it is not a sin.

But the truth is, I don't know who is capable of hurting a child while being perfectly calm and happy. And frankly, I'd be rather frightened to meet that person. :(

[ArmsOfLove]

Sadie, I had a woman share with me one time that she really believed she was spanking without anger until she stopped spanking--and when she didn't simply respond immediately with a spanking she was forced to face the anger she really did have there. She said it scared her.

[TulipMama]

she really believed she was spanking without anger until she stopped spanking--and when she didn't simply respond immediately with a spanking she was forced to face the anger she really did have there.

This was true for me. With the oldest two, I was very calm and collected when I spanked.

In retrospect, I'm able to see that though I was motivated by love, did truly love my children, and affirmed that love in many ways throughout the day--the spanking was NOT loving or showing them love. (Which, for many Christian spanking mamas--they really believe that spanking is loving.)

It's been interesting (and a challenge, to be honest) to address the anger that I've had in life, without the "outlet" of spanking. I didn't think I spanked "out of anger" --but it was an outlet for it. Which is scary, as Crystal reported from the other mama.

[Tamara]

I agree. I know that when I have swatted at Mara it was out of my frustration. I agree that it wasn't a display of the fruit of the spirit.

[erinee]

Sadie, I had a woman share with me one time that she really believed she was spanking without anger until she stopped spanking--and when she didn't simply respond immediately with a spanking she was forced to face the anger she really did have there. She said it scared her.


That's an amazing observation. I can see how that would be the case. With spanking it's not that there is no anger as some spankers claim, but that they have immediate gratification for their anger and no need to really deal with it. :(

[Tamara]

I just wanted to clarify that I know I shouldn't have swatted and that I'm so sorry for having done so. My biggest desire is to find a place where I feel like my convictions in parenting are truly acted out in practice and that I'm not screwing it up so often. :(

[erinee]

I just wanted to clarify that I know I shouldn't have swatted and that I'm so sorry for having done so. My biggest desire is to find a place where I feel like my convictions in parenting are truly acted out in practice and that I'm not screwing it up so often. :(


:hugs Tamara. BTDT, am still there sometimes (I haven't swatted in a long time, but I mess up in other ways). Every day is a new day, and our kids are forgiving.

:hug

[TheJAngelsMom]

I just wanted to say, that when I decided to try and stop spanking this is what came to my mind. I am one to spank when my patience has run out. Because I know there is an alternative and I know its wrong I do at this point get upset and say sorry to them. To me it is so obvious its wrong but I still have resorted back to it. I use my analogy for a tool to stop.
I have never used spanking as a first resort always a last when I am out of control.

I have also come to a conclusion that spanking is more emotional abuse than it is physical. I remember being 16 and my mom gave me the choice of being spanked or grownded. Well I wanted to go to the dance and I chose spanking. She gave me three spankings. It didn't hurt at all I was sixteen!!! But I cried like crazy. It was the fact that my mother hit me that hurt emotionally.
When I have spanked my children I have never spanked them hard enough to hurt physically. But it has the same reaction because it hurts them emotionally which makes me want to stop all the more because emotional hurt I feel is worse than physical.

From experience is where I have come to this conclusion. It is not how hard you hit your child its the fact that you hit them at all that hurts them. You could tap them lightly on the butt, and if they know your mad at them when doing it they cry just the same. I really don't want my children to feel that way you know. :(

[ShowersofBlessings]

Wow! excellent points. Thanks for posting! :)

[BHope]

The *only* times I have felt the urge to spank is when I feel out of control or angry. Knowing that alone helps me to not even go there. I think back on my parents and their spanking and I almost feel bad for THEM! There is growth in gentle disciplining that I have a hard time believe you could have if you relied on spanking as a parenting 'tool.'

[DebraBaker]

It's very hard work to not revert to old bad habits when you're in the thick of an emotional situation.

Mothers, (and I'm talking to the self here) we're doing the work so it's not left for our children to do in the future!!

db

[phermion]

I can identify with Tulip Moma - I spanked calmly - it was what I was "supposed" to do as a Christian mother. :cry I spanked "first offense" (goal being first time obedience) so it wouldn't get out of control. I listened to people who said that it would seem like I was "spanking them all day at first, but after a few days it wouldn't need to be done so often". :eek :cry The problem was that spanking was the first and only resort to be used until your child was too old for it. It was horrid.I've cried and spanked. :cry :cry
I'm so thankful for this board. :heart
Anyway - I LOVE the fruits of the spirit comparison!! Thank you!! :tu :highfive
That deserves chocolate cake!!!..so here's some cyber sustitute! :mrgreen
:cookie :cookie :cookie :hkiss :hkiss :hkiss :cookie :cookie :cookie :cup

[sadie]

Debra, that's exactly how I feel. My main motivation in sticking to GBD is that i dont' want to pass on punitive/anger issues to another generation. I keep telling myself, "It stops here." I will be the last generation damaged by punitive parenting and spanking.

[Sandy]

Me, too. I want my kids to see there's another way. I also want them to understand that they must search Scripture for themselves; it's not enough to just swallow whatever comes from the pulpit. The rod verses are such an excellent example of that!

[Katherine]

What fantastic points you all make. :grouphug I'm teary-eyed. It's been a rotten day and I've been a rotten Mom, and I really needed to hear all these great thoughts. Thank you all! :clap

I was not the person who originally said that to Crystal, but I easily could have been. I rarely got outwardly upset with ds when I was following Pearl, and when I did, I blamed it on myself for not responding quickly or being consistent enough. :rolleyes All my life, I dealt with angry feelings by stuffing them, shaming myself for having them to being with, or explaining and "spiritualizing" them away. (After all, good Christians don't get angry... except at sin, right?)

Gentle Parenting has forced me to grow in ways I never imagined and to deal with issues that probably would have stayed buried forever otherwise.

Great analogy, Steff! (I'm so glad the board is back up!!!! I am soaking up the encouragement!)

[Radosny Matka]

This is so profound. I am copying this to my GBD "folder" on my computer.

[TestifyToLove]

Funny to find this discussion on the anger with parenting. Yes, I feel most tempted to spank when I am ANGRY. And, I find myself angry far more than I want to be as a parent.

I just started reading Love and Logic (recommended by most adoption experts and adoptive families) and the one thing that really struck me about the book is where it talks about removing our own emotions from correcting our children. It talked about how when we get angry, we shut down our children's ability to be receptive to learning and initiate their flight or fight response, which makes learning nearly impossible. The authors are staunch advocates that you should 'lock in the empathy' and remove all other negative emotions from YOU when dealing with your children.

So, knowing that this is accurate information, I decided to start working on removing MY emotions from the equation. Now, I rarely slip up and spank anymore. But, I feel anger while correcting, guiding and parenting my children on a daily basis. When I started actually paying attention to MY anger, and addressing that BEFORE I deal with my children, I've discovered that its a tremendous struggle to remove my own emotions from the equation. I honestly and truly thought I was being emotionally neutral in most of my parenting. And, the truth is that I'm far from it. And, I'm probably creating a negative and defensive response from my children because they can sense my own emotions that are wrapped up in the interactions.

So, I've committed to being conciously aware of my own emotions, and to stop and give myself the time-out needed before approaching the children to avoid taking those emotions into the dealings with them. Strangly, I did it rather well last week (yes, just one week so far) but the children raged most of the week. Then, I realized that the children were projecting their emotions into ME! Yikes, talk about humbling. So, we had a week for purging and everyone seems to be far more emotionally healthy this week. I just never really stopped to think how far my parenting can be influenced by my own emotions, even when I'm not spanking them!

[mummy2boys]

THANK YOU for that post......I never thought of it that way and I feel like my eyes have been opened now..........I thank you from the bottom of my heart :heart


Off to print it off and put it on my fridge ;)