validating and reflecting

[godsgracegiven]

Think I am doing okay with the reflecting, it is the validating, that I was wondering if there was a basic phrase you start with? Also, are validating and reflecting the same or do they have a different purpose?

[ArmsOfLove]

They are two parts of the same act. Reflecting feelings validates them. When you tell a child, "You are angry" and don't add anything on to it, it validates them. It's invalidting to add on why they should cheer up, or anything that minimizes, etc. It is okay to say words of encouragement--things like, "I'm here for you," "I can handle your big feelings," etc. It's also sometimes necessary to add boundaries, but try not to use "but" because it's an invalidating word ;) It minimizes the feelings. Instead, try to keep the two things separate. "You may be angry. You may not hit me."

does that help?

[gamomof2]

I know I'm not the OP but that was really helpful, Crystal. I have been working on this w/ my dd.

[godsgracegiven]

Ahh, yes!! :mrgreen I get it now. I am glad I am asked. :0 Thank you so much Crystal. :)

[Katherine]

I've become more aware of this lately, too. It was mentioned in some recent threads. I was invalidating more than I realized. :/

[cklewis]

"I hear that you are. . . ." is how I start. That works for me and calms me down.

C

[Charlie U]

I sometimes have trouble with this. It comes out wrong. "Rebecca, I understand that you are sad and angry, but you can't have marshmellows." (She's currently obsessed with marshmellows.) That "but" is just too easy to add.

[TulipMama]

I have a question about validating feelings while teaching children to have good attitudes.

Elsewhere I read something that started me pondering. Nann said (http://www.awareparent.net/phpbb2/viewtopic.php?t=100) this,

I think things tend to get a bit "fuzzy" in Ezzo's world. One example is the fact that he apparently sees no difference between attitude - an intellectual choice - and feelings - a heart response.

When my children were small, I often instructed them to "be co-operative," an attitude. And they usually WERE co-operative, but sometimes they were not all that "happy" about it. I always made it clear that feelings needed no justification, and that they were okay, whatever they were.


I think we're doing an okay job of reflecting feelings, and helping our boys identify and recognize their emotions. Personally, I'ld like some ideas on helping them choose good attitudes (like Nann's "be co-operative") while at the same time not invalidating their feelings. Ideas?

[godsgracegiven]

That "but" is just too easy to add. Your right, dh and I have been practicing all day and didn't reliaze we were using it so much. :cry But we talked about some examples of why it would sound invalidting to a child, and WOW!! we started talking about how we could even talk each other better. :)

[musicmama]

I am SOOOO glad I read this thread, and I am gonna camp out here! I want to start using this NOW, especially before we get an older foster child who I'm sure will be testing boundaries all over the place. I'm already retraining my brain (and dh is too!) especially since it's not their fault :(

No "but"'s!

Crystal, you are such a blessing. You have such a gift and I am so thankful that you're part of my life :hug

[Irene]

we are really dealing with this too. I am reading Easy to Love and its really putting it altogether for me. While I have been reading it here for a year and a half I just didnt get it really adn see the big picture. In her book she has a script and I actually think I am going to copy it on a card and keep it in my pocket. For one, when I think about what I am saying, I stay calm, and then she stays calmer (duh).

I have realized I have been doing more invalidating than validating too :cry I realized I am an ignorer. Really, what I want to do is scream SHUT UP! but I dont :( I just dont know why she is screaming most of the time.

I have also been doing this "why are you crying?" thinking I was being helpful or gentle or something... but I read that it makes them think instead of feel. Wow, Im learning so much!!

[ArmsOfLove]

(((((Irene)))))) And thanks, Sara :O

I'ld like some ideas on helping them choose good attitudes (like Nann's "be co-operative") while at the same time not invalidating their feelings. I try to remember that if they are doing what they are told, they can feel however they want about it. They can stomp and even look surly, can even *say* NO IF they are doing what I've told them to do :) Now, this is when they are younger. As they get older I actively teach them about attitude--it's not something that comes natural for every child. I share how I feel when they act certain ways and talk to them about how they feel when others, or even myself, act certain ways. "Do you feel like I really wanted to do what you asked? How did you feel when I did that?" I walk them through it. And when we see other children throwing fits or acting rudely we talk about their obvious feelings. I also reflect feelings and tell them how I knew they were feeling that way. "Thank you for doing what I asked. I can see that you really don't want to do it. Do you know how I can tell? Your eyes are small and squinty and your fists are tight and (etc)" Eventually I might ask them, "How can you look more pleasant while you do that?" Similar to how I assure my children I'm doing something they asked for even if they ask rudely, but will ask them how they can ask me so that I feel respected and want to do it for them. Liam is now 7 and if he takes on a nasty attitude and argues with me or gets rude then I have him sit on the couch until he cas time to change his attitude and is ready to be cooperative and respectful.

[ShangriLewis]

Liam is now 7 and if he takes on a nasty attitude and argues with me or gets rude then I have him sit on the couch until he cas time to change his attitude and is ready to be cooperative and respectful.


Gibran is 8 now and this is something we deal with alot. I try to remember it's the age, but still it's soooooooo annoying. Example...I asked him to get off the computer earlier, so that I could get the chance to read email and then he could play Ages of Empires later. Now, he just asked me for the 4th time when I was getting off. It's getting to be nightime and I've been on for 4 hours. He is whining and pushing. I don't think it's ok. I told him that he couldn't do that. I would let him play later. But, he wasn't to be bossy to me over the computer. I told him he could take a break or finish watching a movie on the couch. I set the computer rules and playing times and that's that. Does he need more that that?

(Sorry for hijacking)

Heather

[ArmsOfLove]

Heather--I think that at 8 he'd do better with specific time guidelines and more information. "Later' is vague and he is asking, essentially, "Is it later yet?" He might do better if you had told him he could play the game at X time and for X time and then you'd need the computer back. I think he's responding to a lack of clear boundary.

[ShangriLewis]

Ok I see. We've been using the timer alot lately for him. He just learned to read time and understand what the numbers mean. But, this morning we lost our power a few times, so I forgot to set the clocks. Usually if he is playing I set the timer so he knows when to get off. I just told him he could play at 7pm. He's going to set the clock on the microwave. That was fun because he's never done it before!

You must be nursing again..lol.

Heather

[ArmsOfLove]

again??? ;)

[MamaJayne]

I gotta say, I've made a conscientious effort to use this not only with my babies, but with adult people in my life as well...what a difference it makes in my communications! People really open up to many more things when they feel they are heard and understood.

[phermion]

I really needed to hear more about the "buts". Thanks everyone for all the examples, etc. :)

[Irene]

I gotta say, I've made a conscientious effort to use this not only with my babies, but with adult people in my life as well...what a difference it makes in my communications! People really open up to many more things when they feel they are heard and understood.

you know, I have been doing this with my husband and WOW :eek what a difference! I cant believe I havent known this all these years :blush we have a great relationship, but this is taking it up even another level.

AND then even when I am in the checkout line or in the store... I havent had the courage to say things out loud yet, but its just starting to creep into my brain "you seem stressed today" or whatever :D and assigning positive intent.... wow what a difference this all has in my looking out at others!!! :wow

One other thing I wanted to add/ask. Like I said I am reading Easy to love, and either I was a really bad parent before and just now realizing it :blush or the enemy is really getting to me or something because since reading the book I actually feel like I am doing a worse job than ever :hissyfit maybe its just brought more realization to my words and tone of voice. sad. my poor kids are going to have to go to therapy :blush

[Katherine]

((((((( Irene )))))))

I felt the same way recently when I finally got around to reading Positive Parenting. :doh

It was like when I first started learning about gentle discipline. I kept having these "Ooooh" reactions and :doh "so THAT's what I'm doing wrong" and :banghead "How could I have DONE that?" :O

I am just trying to think of it as growing pains. I was ready for some new (and review :blush) information, and I am ready to push myself to that next step of PP. It's like training for a marathon, I guess. You don't start out running 26 miles.. you work up to it, and every time you add a little more distance, you go through the strain, struggle, and sore muscles all over again. ;)

I have to add, too. After reading this thread a couple of days ago, I tried NOT saying "but" when I put ds to bed (not traditionally a problem, but lately ds is having HUGE feelings about bedtime). He was screaming and crying, "I don't want to go to bed!" over and over. I sat down with him, hugged and kissed him and said in a very sympathetic voice, "I know you DON'T want to go bed!" every time. After a few repetitions, he stopped crying, snuffled a time or two, and informed me that he wanted to sleep in my bed... and off he went! :highfive