Big Feelings

[inesperada]

Ds has just started screaming at the top of his lungs and throwing himself to the floor when I take something he may not have. I reflect feelings and use the 5 steps when it's not something I need to remove immediately (becaue it's dangerous). What else can I do? It's annoying and frustrati :hissyfit

[godsgracegiven]

Something I started at that age, was while I was reflecting my kiddos feelings, I would also pratice with them taking deep breathes and calming down. I would playfully count to three and then take a deep breath myself. Both kiddos now do this on their own. Sometimes, I remind them that mommy can help them better if they take a deep breath. If my kiddos throw themselves on the floor I usally get down on the floor and hold them, still relfecting feelings and still stating why something is off limits. :) :hug

[DogwoodMama]

Liz- it's already happened twice this morning- I'm struggling along with you! One thing I am realizing is that I was saying no or giving a negative response when I didn't mean it, if that makes sense... I'm learning to be more thoughtful with my words and actions, because if I set a limit she is going to MAKE me enforce it, so I need to make sure it is a valid one!

[ArmsOfLove]

A couple of things I'd suggest trying are asking him to hand it to you which includes him in the process and can have him feeling less violated, and what kinds of things are we talking about? Can he actually have some of them but you're in the habit of taking them away? Is he maybe telling you that he's ready for more freedom and more responsibility?

[inesperada]

We're visiting friends right now, and a lot of times it's that he has taken something from her 18 month old, so I take it away from him to give it back to her. Or things that he honestly can't have, like pieces of chocolate, dangerous things, etc.

[Mothering by Heart]

When my kids take something from someone, I tell them that it's x's turn and you need to give it back. If they can't then I tell them that I am going to help them. I reassure them that they can have a turn after so-and-so is done with it.

I do pretty much the same thing with contraband. They either need to put it back, or I help them put it back.

[ArmsOfLove]

Try 5 Stepping the giving it back and see what happens.

[inesperada]

5 Stepping giving it back didn't help. :( One thing that has been suggested is making a big positive deal of taking it from him and saying something like "Oh, Thank you for finding this for me, Buggaboo". Would making him feel like he is "helping" by giving it help? I'm at my wits end. :shrug

[ArmsOfLove]

I do that sometimes.

did the 5 Steps not work in that he wasn't happy about giving it up, or what? Getting to step 4 doesn't mean it didn't work ;) Just means they need more help right now.

It might be one of those things where he's in betweern stages--ready to be upset by losing it but not quite ready for having giving it be a positive thing. It could also be that you're away from home and what will work at home won't work no matter how hard you try now :banghead Sometimes when you're not in your own space, children can cling to *things* out of a desire for permanence.

Another thing to try is trading him for something appropriate.

[inesperada]

WhatI meant by it "not working" was that he still screamed bloody murder and threw himself to the floor. We reflect feelings and bear hug at that point.

Trading for something appropriate works sometimes, not at other times. :shrug

Clinging to "things" for permanence makes some sense. We'll go home tomorrow, so hopefully it will slow down.

[Tengokujin]

I recently started saying "Oh, thank you Jason!!" and putting out my hand to let him give me whatever it is that he had gotten hold of. I am proud to say that I thought it up without GCM :mrgreen over the last couple of weeks. Part of my whole trying to think for myself! :idea

Another route I use is " Give it to Mommy....1...2....3...(giving him an opportunity to give it to me--if no success)OK, mommy will help" as I peel his fingers off whatever. He seems to accept this pretty calmly. I call it the hybrid 5 steps/transition :D

[LadyBird]

:lol Elizabeth has done this little move where she will throw herself down, and arch her back and bounce her legs out while she fusses. I actually just look at her and tell her to cut it out. And she does. lol Maybe I am a tough mama, but I guess I just don't want her to manipulate me. Now there are also instances where there is her disappointment that we need to address, or hurt feelings...and I recognize those as such and deal with them in a totally different manner. With that I am very gentle and don't let her walk off crying when I can tell she is feeling hurt, or if she really wants something and can't have it, and will cry in a certain manner that expresses big hurt feelings over it, then I totally commiserate with her. That does help. But for the times that she throws herself down and gets "whiney-fussy", I tell her to cut it out lol.
Does any of that make sense????? :shrug :think

[Marsha]

I don't know tha tI would tell her to cut it out and I wouldn't see vehemently protesting getting something taken away as a bad thing that needs to stop, you know?
Here's what happens: kids can't play with scissors, you take it away, they are upset and cry about it (or scream or whatever)
I guess now that my child is older it doesn't make me feel bad or manipulated. I do find it annoying, but I am also more used to it, so it doesn't bother me.
(shrug) I'm not the greatest parenting expert out there, but just because a kid throws themself down and screams when contrabadn is taken away or they hear the word "no" isn't necessarily a bad thing.

[LadyBird]

well, I don't have a mean tone in my voice when I say this, but am firm...I also don't make a big deal out of it...as I don't want to get extreme about it....yet at the same time I don't want to ignore the behaviour, because I think that is also not acknowledging her feelings. I guess you have to deal with each situation as it comes and figure out what is behind the behaviour. I was at the store a couple of weeks ago and I walked in and there was a child about 4-5 years old screaming and crying uncontrollably at the checkout, and the mother was completely ignoring him....this went on for about 10 minutes....it was very busy and there were tons of people at the checkout....she didn't do anything. Later after she left I had one lady say to me that the child needed to be spanked, and I just looked at her and said that I didn't believe in hitting children, and then I had the lady at the checkout tell me that this mother comes in with this child all the time and it is the same situation every time...so I said to her that I wondered why the mother was continuing to ignore the child when it obviously wasn't working for her, and also...more importantly in my opinion...is why set the child up for that in the first place if you know that is how they are going to react??? So I guess I try to do this, not set Elizabeth up for a tantrum, but try and address it quickly, firmly if it is appropriate to her feelings. I don't have a problem using the phrases, "cut it out" or "stop it" or "don't do that" or "no" or whatever, as long as there is love and firmness in your voice, and not anger and meanness. I also try not to use the same words too much as to not give her the impression that everything is a "no"....I want her to explore her world and don't see the expression of feelings as a "bad" thing...but I still believe in teaching "self-discipline" and that we can choose how we want to express our feelings.